Hi Bro Jo!
First, I must say that I really love reading your page and have learned a lot from the advice you post.
So, I'm in a situation that is probably similar to many other people my age right now; I'm a senior girl in high school preparing to go off to college next year and fully immerse myself in the YSA social and dating scene.
However, the boys in my stake are not the best at getting group dates together, so I haven't really been on any.
I was wondering if you had any tips for transitioning more smoothly from high school group dating to the single dating that YSA should be doing, when I haven't really even done any group dating before?
Thanks a lot for your time and help!
Dear In Transition,
I ain't gonna lie: it's going to be a touch more difficult for you than those that dated a bit.
The first thing I'd like you to do, please, is read the riot act to your Stake and Ward Priesthood leaders.
It's their responsibility to teach these young men how to date and that each of you young women deserves a few chances to be taken out.
If you've been active, going to Church Dances, being friendly and fun, looking and doing your best, and if they were doing their job, then you should have had a few dates.
Secondly, teach the younger sisters that you're leaving behind what they could do better than you did.
Tell them to host movie parties and game nights, teach them the value of talking to the guys - In A Nice Way - and testify to them of the value of Casual Group Dating.
Tell them that their insistence on "having a boyfriend" is driving Good Guys away and limiting their dating opportunities.
You're not alone; too many great girls never get the dating experience in high school that they should.
We need a major culture shift, and I think it's going to take a long time.
Now, as for you: despite everything I wrote above, don't freak out.
Some of the most amazing women date little or not at all in high school, and they've turned out fine.
Like anything in life, look back at your experiences and use them to improve on the next go.
Here's a Quick List:
Bro Jo's THINGS a GIRL CAN DO to GET MORE DATES as a YSA
1. Put yourself out there. Go to everything, pursue your interests, be involved. It doesn't matter really which clubs or activities you enjoy, but do stuff. Get involved. Meet people.
2. Show genuine interest in other people. Yes, of course, guys, but girls too; you never know when some girl is going to say "you're so nice, you should date my brother!" The key to that is to Listen to other people when you talk to them. Ask people about themselves and take an interest in what they have to say
3. Be domestic and girly. Don't change who you are, but understand that Guys (in general) like girls that are, well, girls. Especially Church Guys. If you don't know the tricks to Good Makeup, Clothing and Perfume, figure them out. Learn how to make one heck of a cake, cookie or brownie if you don't already, and be prepared to randomly give treats you make to guys that you want to have take you out. My apologies to the neo-nazi-woman-hating-"feminists" out there, but this stuff works.
4. Date every halfway decent guy that asks. You want to be known as the nice girl that is open to dating, not the snob that no one can get dates with.
5. Don't be a buddy. No guys over at your place, and you don't hang out at theirs. Heck, make it a habit not to "hang out" at all. Guys are for dating, not for hanging out with. And you need to know this: guys are lazy by nature. Even the hard-working ones. Guys are the ones that invented drive-throughs, fast food, and the TV remote. If he can have you delivered to his place to watch a video with him while his rear-end is still on the sofa, there's no need for him to ever invite you to go anywhere.
6. Do the best you can with what you've got. Always try to be the "best you" you can be. Pajamas, and that includes sweats, shouldn't be worn outside your home. Not even to the gym. Change into gym clothes while you're there, then shower do your hair and makeup and get dressed nice before you leave to go home. Too many of your sisters are blowing it because they have an attitude of "I don't care how I look" (What the heck is this think with the nasty "jeggings" and sloppy bun???); if you don't care how you look, then no one else will either. And that's bad. There's more, but you get the idea. Have fun!
7. Don't make First Dates out to be a bigger deal than they are. (Or second or third dates, either for that matter.) Guys, especially RMs, often (and correctly so, I might add) take girls out as a way to get to know them better. Yes, they probably like that girl on some level, but it doesn't mean that they're in love . . . so relax. Let any relationship that might grow happen naturally . . . but don't expect that anything is going to grow at all. If it does, great! And if it doesn't, well . . . hopefully you had a nice time, a fun time, and got to know someone a little better.
- Bro Jo
Dear Bro Jo,
I guess in our area it is harder to date because everyone in the stake lives so far apart, but you're right the guys should be asking more.
Actually, recently I had an experience that proves what you said about getting casual get-togethers planned.
I organized a group of friends, boys and girls, to go bowling together.
A couple weeks after we started planning it, I got asked on a date by one of the boys in the group!
Also, I totally plan on being involved next year, and I think it will really help.
Thanks again for your advice and I'll definitely work on implementing it more!
- Excited for the future
Good for you!
I'm glad to hear that the Activity Setup thing worked for you.
Keep it up!
And hopefully others will learn from your example.
- Bro Jo