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Friday, January 30, 2015

When is it Okay to Date a Non-member? And When is it Not?

Dear Bro Jo,

You are AMAZING, by the way. I am astounded by the amount of time and effort that you take in giving people advice and lending a helping hand to those of us who need it when it comes to that lovely thing called dating. 

I am an 18 year old girl just starting her freshman year of college. AAAND one of the lovely (and sometimes horrible) things about that there are BOYS here!

I'm no stranger to the world of dating. Of course I've never had a boyfriend...because I am just not that age yet, but I've gone on lots of dates and have had a whole lot of fun!

There were times when I was probably too serious than I should've been...but for the most part the dating thing has been fairly smooth sailing.

I've always dated LDS kids....and as far as I understand it's a rule in my house to only date Mormons. 

Well now I've gone and met this really great boy.

He is hilarious and nice and just treats everybody so sweetly.

Even before we started talking to each other we were making faces at each other during choir class and dancing around whenever one of us would look in the direction of the other.

When we did start talking we hit it off super-fast....and we pretty much don't STOP talking.

Everyone said he liked me...and now HE has admitted it to me.

But...he's not a member.

He grew up going to a high school with a huuuge percentage of Mormons before he moved up here to go to our lovely little community college. So he knows A LOT about the LDS faith and can sometimes answer questions about the church faster than I can.

He really respects my standards and does his absolute best (and he does REALLY well) not to swear around me or say anything that would make me feel uncomfortable. And he gets after other people who swear around me.

If they swear and I'm near by he quickly says "Hey don't swear, she doesnt like it".

But then again....I am also pretty sure he drinks beer...and I KNOW he's not a virgin...and that he does swear and talk about gross things when he isn't with me. His family is sorta weird....his brother grows weed....

His mom is apparently really nice though and super Christian.

That's pretty much all I've been able to pick up about his life outside of me.

Sooooo I know he's not good for me... But whenever I'm, around him I just know that I am safe.

I try to be around him as much as I can because I know that I won't have to listen to all the vulgar stuff all the other kids are talking about and that if anyone does start...he puts a stop to it.

And just everything about him just makes me feel better about everything.

He offered to drive me and my friend home (even though it was out of his way) and we sang Christmas songs the whole time.

I don’t think I've been that happy with someone in a long time (and I am a veryyy happy person)! I can't help but like him. and I think he might start asking me about whether or not I have feelings for him....

I've avoided the subject thus far. I am just not sure what to do with this situation!

(even though this is college...not a ship)

Dear SOS,

Missionary Opportunity!

You have no business wasting your time dating a guy that can't take you to the Temple.

So when and if he asks, that's what you should tell him. In a nice way, of course.

For example you might say "you're a great guy, I really wish you were a member of the Church so we COULD go out, but I'm very serious about Temple Marriage when the time is right, and I need to date people that are serious about that, too".

If he says something agreeable, like he thinks that's great, then follow with "then why don't you come to Church with me this Sunday?"

If he argues that you should date him regardless of his faith, then you could respond with "any man who really cares about me will care about how I feel about this".

And let that sink in.

Stick to your standards.

And if I'm too late and you've already started dating, then stop.

Go back to square one. Tell him about your commitment to Temple Marriage, even though your relationship with him may not be at the marriage point yet.

And then invite him to Church.

If he won't go, then you need to move on.

And don't, DON'T, let him use physical stuff to try and persuade you.

Not that you would.

Or he would.

But it needs to be said.

A man can't love a woman he doesn't respect, and you can't respect someone who drops their standards, even if you're the reason they're dropped.

There’s nothing wrong with Casual Group Dating outside of one’s faith (and had a non-LDS teen boy asked, I think you should have gone . . . following "the rules", of course), but when we reach Serious Single Dating age . . . well, while we shouldn’t be taking ourselves or each date too seriously, we certainly should at least limit the dating to people who are Temple Ready.

- Bro Jo

PS:  Thank you for the kind words.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

If you're determined for a temple marriage and the guy can't truly convert rather than just go through thr motions then you also need to let him go. One thing said that kind of bugged me was you knew he wasn't a virgin, I think we as members get hung up on that even more so than marrying an RM. It sucks if you know you aren't their first but you know you should be their last, with very few exceptions, death and remarriage. As long as continuing to have premarital sex is not a current issue and they are "perfect except they aren't a virgin" then you shouldn't write them off. With how many converts there are and how the world treats sex there are probably more nonvirgin single people in the church than what you'd expect. With that said I'm not condoning premarital sex I'm just against judging someone for it.