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Friday, February 27, 2015

Should the Sealing Be Put Off Until Her Fiance's Brother Comes Home From the Mission?

Dear Bro Jo,

I've read your blog for quite some time now and I also have your book for Young Single Adults.

All your advice is just straightforward and simple, at least that's what it seems like to me.

So I've got a rather frustrating situation.

I am a YSA attending BYU, going into my Junior year.

I have been dating a wonderful guy for almost 8 months now.

The marriage talk has definitely come up and lots of time has been spent in thought, prayer, and conversation.

The conclusion?

Yes. I want to marry him.

He wants to marry me. Spectacular, right??

At first we were planning on being engaged by now and get married in December after Fall semester.

This was decided after 4 months of dating.

We soon realized after a couple of weeks that it would be much too soon to be engaged and that we had a lot still we wanted and needed to get to know about each other.

While I was a bit disappointed, only because the idea of getting a ring, dress, planning a wedding, engagement pictures, etc. just sounded exciting.

We both completely agreed that we definitely needed time.

Well, summer was definitely an eye-opener for us both.

We have spent a lot of time together.

His parents visited.

We visited his parents.

My parents visited.

We visited my parents.

So even both our parents like us together and are excited for us to get married.

Well, I was thinking that we could just get married next summer. Which would still give time for getting to know each other more and allow my parents to get use to the idea of their 19, soon to be 20 year old daughter getting married. (Which in the Utah Valley bubble is pretty average I guess)

He agrees on getting married next summer...but not until August.

Which is more than a year from now.


His only brother doesn't get home from his mission until then.

His brother asked him to wait.

Not only that, his parents have also voiced that we should wait until he gets home.

Now, don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't want his brother to be able to be there when we get married.

It's just, it seems like we are pretty much definite on us wanting to get married.

As well as I feel it's more dangerous to prolong it after coming to the decision and feeling that it's right for us to get married.

I haven't said much except that August just feels far away.

His only comment to the issue is that time will go fast.

How can I argue and fight against what his brother has asked him to do AND his parents?

Perhaps I am being completely unreasonable and just waiting for his brother to come back is what should be done.

All I know is, we are in love and we know we want to get married.

Our relationship is nowhere near perfect and sometimes we just get the most frustrated at each other.

But we know that together, we can help each other become who we are striving to be and we push each other to strive to be better.

Should I stay quiet and hope he will decide on his own to get married earlier or should I try and push for it?

I don't want to cause and rift between his family and I, but if I didn't voice my opinion at least, would I even be who they'd like to join their family? 

Any input is appreciated!

- Confused While Certain

Dear Certain,

First of all, thank you for the kind words.

One year can go by very quickly, and in the grand scheme of eternity, it's just not that long.

However, three points upon which I disagree are:

1. I don't like long engagements, especially within the Church.

Once a couple decides to get married the temptation for them to "no longer be temple worthy" becomes more and more intense.

I think engagements should last about 3 months, so I would have suggested that you two got married this December, not next August.

I do agree that getting to know each other's families is a great idea, and had he asked I'd have advised him not to propose until all of this summer's meetings had taken place.

Talking about marriage is not the same as proposing.

I don't count engagements as official until he proposes, there's a ring, and you've set a date for the Sealing.

I'm a little unclear as to whether or not he's done that yet.

If he has, I think you need to get married within the next three months.

If it's all still just talk, then I'm less worried about the wait. I've known a few couple where waiting has worked, but it's a very small number and they all stayed very far away from each other during that time.

(One couple in particular that I always think of when this topic comes up actually went to colleges in two separate states during their two-year engagement, only seeing each other a couple times a year, and even then being mostly chaperoned. They are the Very Rare Exception, and while they succeeded in waiting, its not something I'd advise.)

2.  While there's certain things I think each of you needs to know before you agree to marry (see "Bro Jo's Five A's of Why Not to Marry THAT Person" and "Bro Jo's List of Things Every Couple Needs to Know", I also think it's unwise to think you need to know Everything about someone before you marry.

I'm not sure you guys are postponing your marriage because you have an unrealistic expectation of that, and I do think 8 months is not an unreasonable time to be dating before a proposal is offered,

I guess what I'm saying is that the 8 months of dating doesn't worry me, but the 14 months of engagement does, and the excuse "then we'll know each other a lot better" doesn't fly with me.

Trust me, there's nothing you could do over any length of time BEFORE you get married that comes anywhere close to how well you'll know someone AFTER you get married.

Not that you would, but even living together doesn't help.

That's why so many couples who live together before they get married end up divorced.

They think they know someone super well and then once they finally get married they realize "oops, it's not the same".

3. I don't think eternal ordinances should get put off for earthly time lines.

A small accommodation for family is fine.

A week or a month.

Sister Jo and I had to postpone an already planned baptism for a month for one of the Jo Kids because Sister Jo's sister's husband died.

Stuff like that makes sense to me.

Putting off a sealing for a year because someone just left on their mission and won't be back until then does not.

It's too much time, too much can happen, and I think its pretty selfish, frankly, and too "of the world" to ask you guys to wait that long.

What if his brother extends his mission?

What if the plane crashes on the way home?

What if someone else is coming home just two weeks after that, and then someone else is coming home the next month, and so on?

How long are we going to keep putting this thing off?

Sorry, but it irritates me to no end when parents delay eternal blessings for their children because they, the parents, are not yet ready for this next phase in life.

Now that the discussion about next August has been had, there's not too much you can do.

But I think you need to, and I mean NEED TO, tell your boyfriend how you feel.

If you can't express your concerns and feelings to the man you're going to marry, if he won't listen to and respect your right to your opinion, then . . . well . . . maybe it’s premature to be discussing marriage at all.

I'm not saying you should demand that you get your way, or be a diva or throw a fit about the whole thing, but as your husband he needs to but your righteous desires (notice that I used "righteous" as the qualifier there) ahead of his own and certainly ahead of his mother's and father's.

Marriage requires that we express our opinions and then agree to compromise.

And, if it means anything, Sister Jo and I are two opinionated people (bet you're not surprised) who argue and get frustrated with each other all the time.

There's no such thing as a "perfect" relationship, only relationships between two people who are willing to work hard at making the relationship work.

Bottom line?

Yes, I think you should tell him how you feel.

No, I don't think you should wait for his brother.

But, heck, I don't think you should wait for next year, either.

Good luck!

Let me know how it goes.

- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

I never realized just how much temptation increases once you are engaged, until I was actually engaged. I had a 3 month engagement, and just that short period of time was HARD to stay temple worthy. We did it, but it took lots of precautions. Waiting 14 months to get married once you KNOW you want to get married seems ridiculous to me. When did the brother ask him to wait anyway? Now that he is on his mission and teaching about eternal families, I bet he might want his brother to go ahead and take that step.

Anonymous said...

My brother got married while I was in the mission field... and the kicker was that he and his wife were sealed a mere 2 months before I got home!! I was a little miffed, but over-all it wasn't a huge deal. Likewise, when I got married I realized just how hart it can be to keep things pure when you know that eventually all rules will go out the window!