The A's of Why Not To Marry

Dear Bro Jo,

I overheard you a while back listing for some youth your "reasons to not get married", will you repeat those here, please?
- Local Mom


Dear Mom,

I think I remember that very conversation (surprisingly I don't get asked this very often). To give credit where due, I came up with this answer years ago when I first heard Dr. Laura Schlesinger on the radio talking about her "acceptable reasons for divorce" (which I think are: Abuse, Adultery, Addiction and Abandonment), some of which I've overlapped here.

I was thinking "OK, that makes sense for Divorce, but how do you keep from being in that place to begin with?" Few things are life-disasters (especially for children) than the dissolution of a marriage, so why not help people as best we can from entering into relationships with that inevitability; help them to know what to look for so they can avoid that path?

So here are my (in alphabetical order)


"Five A's of Why to Not Get Married in the First Place"

Abuse. We don't recite the Traditional Vows in the LDS Church, but in most wedding ceremonies the bride and groom vow to Cherish each other. Some abusers mask this tendency until after marriage, but most will give you the signs early on. Are they physically aggressive? Do they use insulting language and think putting-down their friends is fun? Are they bossy and demanding all (or even "most") of the time? Do they flip out when confronted? And, perhaps most importantly, do they scare you?

Absolutism. Are they NEVER wrong? Confidence is attractive; we seek out those that are self-assured, and if a self-assured person tells us we're handsome or beautiful, we love them even more! But there's a line here of dangerous extremism. Both people in a marriage are going to make mistakes; you may not want someone who's wishy-washy Charlie Brown, but marriage is an act of compromise; you don't want to spend the next 50 years (not to mention Eternity) with someone who sees themselves as above reproach and apology. Marriage means saying you're sorry, even if you're not, or not sure why, if simply for no other reason than the fact that you love your spouse and want them to be happy. Smooching is good, but stay away from someone who lectures you all the time because their opinion is so much more valuable then yours because it's the talking, not the smooching, that will get you through some of life's biggest turmoils.

Addiction. Chemical, emotional, genetic or psychological, Addiction is a character flaw. It doesn't matter if it's pornography or alcohol or drugs or gambling or adrenaline, whatever the addiction, at some point the addict is going to place it ahead of you. Now, people can recover from and overcome addictions and make fabulous spouses, but that needs to happen BEFORE you get married. If you're willing to wait for the addict to conquer their demons, good for you, but if you're not seeing serious commitment and progress it's time to date someone else. You need to know that addictions never go entirely away; that's why we say addicts are "recovering" not "recovered" - it's an on-going process - but if a decent amount of time (and by that I mean months, plural, not days) has gone by without the behavior, and true repentance has been a part of that process, then you can move forward.

Anger. One of my good friends says that he proposed because the girl he was dating always seemed happy and he wanted someone with that kind of positive outlook in his life every day. I'm grateful my wife wasn't looking for someone that was Anger-free, but that's not the same as Angry-all-the-time. Watch out for that. And watch how they deal with things that are stressful and upsetting. Do they shut down? Do they totally explode? Does the anger hit the atmosphere and then calmly dissipate or does it fester and stir for days waiting for the moment of retribution? We all get upset (beware the person who seems NEVER angry), how we deal with that needs to be evaluated by a potential spouse. If you can't deal with their anger (and especially if they can't either), move on.

Apathy. I think this one, while it sounds benign, is just as bad as everything else on the list. Won't get a job, won't do their homework, won't work hard at anything . . . it's a recipe for disaster. One of the most valuable things spouses can do for each other is to encourage them in good things. Where would I be if my wife didn't support and sustain my efforts to work and to coach and to write? Even the most motivating person will accomplish nothing with someone who's totally lacking in self-motivation. Depression is real, and during the course of any marriage bad stuff is going to happen. It's OK to be sad, and miserable and depressed once in a while, but the person that's Apathetic is already pretty close to Pathetic, and this is one of those things that has to change from inside.


Now many of you may look at this list and be thinking "Well, Duh! Why would anyone pick a spouse with these traits?" but people do ALL THE TIME. See, when we're dating, especially if we grow up in a culture that encourages marriage and family (which IS good) that marriage pressure can blind people to the True Nature of the person they're dating.

If you're not sure, and you suspect that you may not be seeing clearly (which is the case of all of us when we're in love, is it not?), have an open-minded heart-to-heart talk with a mature person you love and respect. Ask them to give you a frank evaluation of the good and bad about the person you're dating. Give them a safe harbor, with no resentment or judgement or rebuttal from you, so they can give you a clear picture.

There are no guarantees. Marriage is a risk, albeit a very worthwhile one. You wouldn't buy a car without doing a little research, would you? Do your Due Diligence with a Potential Spouse as well. There is a short list of things in life for which no book or lecture or class or activity can fully prepare you; marriage is definitely on that list. However, as a friend and mentor says: "Information Precedes Revelation"; before you pray about marrying a particular person (and you should pray both on your own and together BEFORE AND AFTER marriage), get as many of the facts as you can.

People change over time, but don't go into a marriage banking on your ability to change them; that's a recipe for failure.

- Bro Jo