Marriage and Living Together

Dear Bro Jo,

Any recommendations for a couple that is about to start pre-marriage counseling and whose pastor will likely be telling them that they can't be living together (as they currently are) during the pre-marriage counseling?

We had actually hoped to not move in together until after we were married. Economic realities dictated otherwise and it really is quite the living marriage lesson - better than any counseling could be.

- Married Soon in Mississippi



Dear Soon -

First off, I appreciate the letter, even though you're not LDS (somethings are universal).

Secondly, I can tell you that statistically couples that live together before marriage are more likely to divorce. Even couples who believe that marriage is "nothing more than a piece of paper" and live together for years before getting married find that that little piece of paper does change things. (And I have a suspicion that the two of you are taking marriage very seriously, and that's good)

I understand the logic behind living together to save money, but if that was the supreme goal, either of you could have found roommates or moved back home. Heck, if you really wanted to save money you could live in your car and shower at the YMCA.

So, while I'm sure you're saving more money than if you were each living in your own place, ultimately the point is that you're "playing house", which of course includes sex. And this is why I suspect that your Pastor will council you to live apart until after the wedding. He's not naive, or even prudish, he's trying to help you build a lasting marriage. Sex clouds our judgement: it's a powerful, emotional thing.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not accusing you of having bad judgement, but I agree with your Pastor that if you remove the cohabitation and sexual components from your relationship until after you're married, you'll be able to more clearly focus on the love you two share.

With that, let me give you some additional, albeit unsolicited, marriage advice:

• most couples fight about money more than anything else, regardless of how much they have or don't have


• most fighting goes away somewhere in the 7-10 years of marriage range


• the number one reason marriages struggle is selfishness on the part of the individuals - everything else "wrong" grows out of that

I can also tell you that marriage is on the very short list of things that no book, course, lesson or lecture can really prepare you for; you won't really know what it's like until you live it, and living together is not the same (because "Cohabitation" does not equal "Commitment").

If you both always put your partner before yourself, talk a lot, continue to date each other (especially AFTER you're married), and pray together daily (out loud and alternating turns every other day) for each other and your marriage, you'll have a pretty good shot.

What your pastor will probably also tell you is to think of your marriage as a triangle, with you and your wife at the bottom corners and God at the top. As you grow closer together, you draw closer to God - likewise, as you draw closer to God you'll draw closer together. (which is very true, BTW - my 18 year anniversary is this month).

As the husband you need to learn to apologize quickly and often and mean it. The wife needs to learn how to make her husband feel appreciated on a regular basis, and mean it.

I wish you the best of luck. Marriage is the most difficult and rewarding job you'll ever have - work hard!

And listen to your Pastor. If he tells you to move out for the next few weeks, find a way to do it. Heck, you can always camp out in your mom's back yard! The few weeks living apart will only make your marriage that much stronger, and when you've been married for a long time you'll realize that those few weeks didn't really take that long.

- Bro Jo