Getting A Prom Date

Dear Bro Jo,

OK, I'll ask! As the Dad of a Daughter, how can I help her get a date to the Prom?

- Prom Dad in So Cal


Dear Cal,

Hey, some of the most beautiful girls I've ever known have missed out on Prom. I know it can be a huge social bummer, but in the long run not going is not that big of a deal.

I know, I know, try telling a 17 year old girl that.

I hope you're writing me early, while your daughter and her peers are still pre-teens. If you are, you can start now by having Boy/Girl Parties - Movie Parties, Birthday Parties, other excuses for the kids to socialize. This can start at 13 (although we waited until the summer before our oldest was a Freshman in High School). Hopefully other parents will follow suit, but you'll have to set the example and be prepared to be the only dad who's doing anything.

At 14 make Church Dance attendance a requirement. Some teens don't want to go because of shyness; some because they think they're Too Cool for Church Dances. Both of those types of kids NEED to go. Force them if you have to. Reward them for going, make it a Matter-of-Fact thing we as Latter-Day Saints do (just like going to Sacrament meeting), but get them there and get them dancing (at least the slow songs - I tell my boys that if they want a ride home they have to dance every slow song).

Encourage Dating by continuing to date your spouse EVERY WEEK. You don't have to spend a lot of money, but you do need to spend time together.

The point is that you need to create an atmosphere that cross-gender socializing is not just OK, it's encouraged, and that if done with the right perspective and the Gospel in mind it can be fun and Eternally Rewarding. By helping the LDS Teens in your area learn how to Date and how to be comfortable socializing with each other, and by stressing the importance of dating in your own life, the likelihood that your daughter will get asked out will go way up (brace yourself, dad - are you sure you're ready for that?) Plus you'll be creating opportunites for Boys and Girls to meet each other; rare is the Boy that will take a Girl to a Formal Dance that he's never met.

Now if you're a traditional dad, like yours truly, you can do all of that and still not be guaranteed that boys, good boys, will ask out your little girl.

So thus enters the "set up" temptation. How do you let boys know that your high-quality, high-value, beautiful little girl is available without coming across like you're tyring to get them to buy a car?

You could work the Parent Angle. "Hey so, who's your son taking to the Prom?" This works if and only if you come across as genuinely interested in their family. Hopefully they'll ask you the "Who's taking your daughter?" response, to which you can say "I don't think she's been asked yet" if their boy is available (if he's not, an "I'm not sure" will go a long way towards preserving her dignity), but don't, I repeat DON'T come right out and ask them to ask their son to ask your daughter to the Prom - if that gets out (and it probably will) she'll hate you way more than she'll hate not going to the dance.

You may also want to touch base with the Seminary Teacher, often they know who's going with whom and who's dating whom (yet another reason for regular Seminary Attendance). They may give you some insight, and might be a good seed planter as well.

But the best approach to take may be no approach at all. Hold off. Let nature take it's course. As I've said, every year some of the most wonderful girls (smart, pretty, fun, sweet) don't go to the big dance. Let your daughter know that her Individual Worth is in no way tied to the intelligence (or lack thereof) of the boys in her age group.

If it helps, share these two stories from my own spouse's life.

Her Junior Year, the future Sister Jo went with the first boy that asked her. She had been taught that it was the right thing to do (and she and I both still believe it is) and she was tired of waiting for the guy she really wanted to go with to ask. Of course that boy asked just two days later; three days too late.

Her Senior Year she decided that she'd learned her lesson and she was going to wait for the Boy of Choice to ask, turning down a very nice young man in the process. Even though he was a Great Guy (and good lookin' too, from what her sisters have told me - lucky for me it didn't work out) and very nice, she said "No". You've guessed it; the "special guy" never asked and she sat at home on Prom Night.

Go figure.

If I could make one more suggestion it's this: work hard to make Prom Affordable in your area. Limousines, spendy dinners and expensive flowers are a societal thing, not a requirement. Hundreds of dollars on a One-Night Date is Ridiculous. If guys aren't worried about blowing a month's worth of mission money on a formal dance, more Good Guys will ask Good Girls to go.

Oh, and while we're on the topic: don't make a lot of exceptions to your family's dating rules just because it's Prom. No all-night dates. No all-night after-Prom parties. Still date in a group. If you make a lot of exceptions to your rules, you'll be giving your children excuses for making exceptions in their standards.

- Bro Jo