Asking a Girl to Dance

Dear Bro Jo,

Why do you say that boys need to go to dances? We have a dance coming up and my mom says you say I should go. I don't like dances and I don't want to go. I don't think I should be pushed into doing something I don't want to do.

- Name and Town Widthheld



Dear N.T.,

I'd like to hear from you WHY you don't like dances . . .

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that you're still in "shy around girls" mode - totally understandable! Bro Jo was not always the Cool Cat around the ladies that he is today - I know it's hard to believe.


Confession Time: My first Junior High School Dance (7th Grade, we called them Junior Highs back then, 7th-9th) I was a bundle of sweat and nerves. It was in the Gym (Meridian Jr. High, Meridian, Idaho, back before it burned down) and I sat high up in the bleachers, praying no one would bother me.

One of my friends who was WAY MORE comfortable with girls than I was kept trying to get me to dance, but I kept refusing. Please understand: I liked girls (I REALLY LIKED GIRLS) but they scared the . . . . well . . . they scared me a lot. (I now know that fear is a) real, b) a good sign, and c) a pretty typical interpretation - even if not intirely correct - of ones raging hormones).

He went so far as to go up and ask a girl FOR ME. I threatened to do it, and when I saw him actually go up to her, talk to her and then point back at me (did I mention that she was a knock out?) I did what any rational thirteen-year old would do . . . I ran from the Gym, not caring about the mocking laughter of my friends, and waited at the corner for my mom to come and get me.


So my point is that I bet I know what you're going through. At some point the hormones may just override the fear, but like the fear of riding a bike without training wheels, often the best way to get over it is to just face the fear go dance.


Remember that Church Dances are pretty benign. Most any girl will dance with most any guy, and they all know you're not there to find a bride, so the pressure's off a little. (I do need to remind my readers that after giving my oldest son the "any girl will dance with you at a Church Dance" speech on the way to his first dance, the first girl he asked said "no". She was so shy SHE ran from the Gymnasium; he just looked at me and shrugged "what now?"; the answer is: Go Ask Another Girl.)


OK. The reasons I have the "Dance Every Slow Song at Church Dances" rule are this:

1. It totally sucks to be a girl at a Church Dance and NOT get asked to Dance; it's rejection without even trying, made even worse when there are guys standing around NOT DANCING. Good Guys go out of their way to make Good Girls feel good about themselves.


2. It's excellent practice for asking a girl out, and even later, asking a girl to marry you. Understand this: too many guys have missed wonderful opportunities with excellent women because they were afraid. You think asking a girl to dance is hard, try asking a girl to be your eternal companion, especially if you've never asked a girl to do anything - ain't gonna go well, boys. Get over your fears now with this relatively easy step.


3. This isn't just the asking and the dancing, it's practice Talking to Girls, too. I know that's what mortifies you the most. Again, get over it.

And now, with respect to President Hinckley . . .

Bro Jo's 6 Be's of Dancing

1. BE Clean. Clean Face, Clean Hands (wipe the sweat off somewhere - NOT your shirt), Clean Breath.


2. BE Prepared. The Scout Motto applies to many things in life, including Church Dances. Always be surveying the room, looking for whom to ask the next time a slow song comes on (DON'T do this WHILE you're dancing with another girl, or at least don't make it obvious). Keep them (you should have more than one girl in mind) in relative visual range.


3. BE Swift. Get over there, man! If some other guy beats you to her, ask the nearest girl to where you are standing. He Who Hesitates Looks Lost!


4. BE Kind. No schmaltzy lines necessary. Simply say: "Would you like to dance?" and hold out your hand. Girls are genetically engineered by the creator to take a hand when it's offered, so do it (this also facilitates "Leading her to the Dance Floor" which a) looks way cooler than turning your back on her and walking out there -people who see that may think you're alone; and b) gives you a great excuse to touch a girl's hand - which is really nice - and you're going to have to do that when you dance with her anyway).


5. BE Inquisitive. Ask her questions, and when she responds LISTEN to what she says so you can have an intelligent response. Good opening questions are: "How do you like this dance?", and general questions about school (where does she go? who are her teachers? what are her favorite classes?). Remember to tell her your name and ask her name. Then, when you ask her a question, use her name.


6. BE Grateful. At the end of the song, BEFORE you turn her loose, say "Thank you for the Dance (and use her name again). (The reason you say this BEFORE you turn her loose is so that she can HEAR you).


7. Get ready to do it again, Bubba!

Now, as for your personal situation: Mom's right on this one. Go to the Dance. I typically agree that you shouldn't be "pushed" before you're ready, but if you're over 14, you're ready. Follow my BE's. After the first time it gets a lot better. I know your heart is in your throat even thinking about dancing, but if you trust me this once, I promise you'll thank me.

If that's not enough for you, accept it as a Priesthood Responsibility that Good Guys like You should make certain that Good Girls don't have to sit on the sidelines and watch their friends dance when they'd like to be out there, too.

- Bro Jo