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Wednesday, April 15, 2015

How Does a Near-30 Single Have More Dating Success?

Dear Bro Jo,

So I've read through your blog and there's some good advice here and there, but not enough specifics.

I'll just put it out there, I'm 29 and not to boast in myself but I am attractive as far as looks go, I dress modestly, but not still wear flattering clothes and wear a small amount of makeup (enough to enhance but not overdo it) and perfume.

So I'm able to get guys initial attention at least.

I regularly attend Church events and other places where there are LDS single men and I mingle, talk to and otherwise flirt (so I'm not just sitting in the corner pouting).

I always try to be open and have tried multiple flirting "techniques" that you and other relationship advice people have said and all to no avail.

Despite trying for years I have not gotten anywhere with dating.

Guys have no problems being friends with me and seem to always prefer that, but I cannot get a date at all.

It's been 8 months since a guy has even hinted at a date.

I have never said no to a first date and I'm not unapproachable, so I just don't get it.

What am I doing wrong and how in the world do I get a guy to ask me out?

What more can I do than I am already doing?

How does someone become "dateable"?

And yes I have tried to avoid the whole friend zone thing by avoiding just hanging out.

But honestly that has just turned into me sitting at home alone rather than at least having something social to do when there are no activities or other socials going on.

It's more than a little frustrating for me.

I don't like the idea of asking a guy out (and I see you don't either) and I've tried blind dates and set ups (I have yet to have one go anywhere past an awkward dinner) along with online dating (I did not enjoy it at all and found it to be not so fruitful).

I'm running out of ideas here.

 Please help me out

- Looking for tips

Dear Looking,

You're not alone.

Us Old People often say that we have no idea how a great catch (such as yourself) could still be single in their late 20's and early 30's . . . but it does happen.

We blame the guys saying they're too into themselves, too shy or inexperienced, not motivated (though we can't fathom how or why), or holding out for some fantasy girl who

  A) doesn't really exist,


   B) would never date them anyway.

We blame the girls . . . typically saying the same things: she scared guys away when she was "marrying age" (whatever that means) by proclaiming her desire to go on a mission or "focus on her schooling / career / whatever", she's too shy or inexperienced . . . or holding out for some fantasy guy who

   A) doesn't really exist,


   B) would never ask her out anyway.

Unlike guys girls do seem to be motivated . . . and don't seem to be as into themselves.

See, when you're an Old Married Person it's as easy to look past the garbage reasons that y'all give for not being married (or not even seriously dating) as it is to forget how hard it was when we were there.
In our efforts to understand, and even to help, we can be a bit insensitive . . . even though we're probably correct.

I get PILES of emails from Women Your Age who feel exactly as you do; great sisters who would make a super spouse and just don't seem to be getting pursued the way they should; and PILES of emails from Great Guys, in the 26-37 range who just can't seem to find a decent woman to date.

I look up some of you on Facebook and I think "wow, he's really handsome; hey, she's really pretty; what the heck is wrong here!" How is it possible that these great LDS Singles are still unmarried??? 

And then I wonder "wouldn't it be easier if all of these people could be in the same Stake Center on the Same Day . . . perhaps a convention of sorts . . . (I'll bet we could fill the Conference Center with no problem) . . . and then some old married people who have no biases and nothing to fear or risk could go around interviewing all of you and then pair you off . . . HA!

I've even had people your age write to me with some seriousness and ask me to set it up . . . though I think y'all'd be much better off with someone several levels of revelation above me doing the pairing!

The truth is, little sister, there's no way I know what you're doing wrong.

I do have some suggestions for you, though. But before I get to those, let me invite you to do a little self-examination; I have a suspicion that deep down you do have, on some level, some ideas of what you need to be doing or not doing.

It seems like we always know . . . but we're not comfortable with the answer.

Information precedes Revelation, and in this situation you have more information than I do.

And you could also get some very valuable information from those around you that know you well and love you enough to tell you the truth.

As undoubtedly great as you are, we're very rarely the best at evaluating ourselves and yet our friends and family always seem to have a very good sense of what we could be doing better or different.

So ask them.

Ask the guys you know.

Don't be whiny.

Be Sincere.

One on one or in a group, ask a couple guys "hey, why aren't guys asking me out?"

The goal isn't to make them feel guilty (although it may be interesting to say to one or two, or more, of them whom you'd like to go out with "how come you've never asked me out?"), but to gather information. I seriously recommend trying that.

Perhaps several times.

The other thing that seems to be lacking in your approach is what I call "the push"; you know them, you're friends, you're looking and smelling good, you're flirting instead of being a wallflower, so do what we in sales call "closing the deal".

I've written about it often.

There's a Facebook note called:

that may be helpful, but the point is that I think that at some point in your Flirty Conversations with these guys you need to say something like "so, this is the part where you ask me out on a date" and then touch his arm, bat your eyes, smile . . . AND SAY NOTHING.

You've got to do something that gets these guys to make the move, and I think you're missing that one little but important step.

But I'm curious what the people who know you will say.

- Bro Jo

PS: There are tons of things on the Column Page and Facebook page that speak to your topic very specifically. Check out the Notes on the Facebook page and try clicking on the Blog tags "Serious Single Dating", "Single Adults", and "Getting a Date".

Dear Readers,

I'm not certain what this original writer decided to do . . . but I noticed the other day, as I was preparing this post to publish, that she is now happily sealed for time and all eternity.

Thought you might like to know that.

- Bro Jo

1 comment:

Becky said...

I have found that a lot of my friends have been in the same boat. One solution is to get together with some friends and set each other up with other friends. We made a deal where the person they were being set up with was someone they themselves would consider relationship quality. We came up with a fun activity with plenty of interaction (no lame movie nights where all you do is watch a movie and leave). Work with good friends who know you to expand your group of friend ship and possible dating relationships. there are lots of good ideas, just show some initiative and work together to make something happen. In our group of friends we have people with all sorts of talents and one of them put the party together, one offered the house for the party, food was randomly assigned, and music was provided. It was fun and we have done it several times. Our group of friends keeps expanding and several couples are dating from it. In several of these parties we have had whole conversations about the dating / non-dating in our area and it has improved. Be proactive - it's the best advice I can give!