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Wednesday, April 22, 2015

Overcoming Her Obsession

Dear Bro Jo,

After banging my head around for ages trying to figure this out, I feel compelled to ask for your advice.

I've sent you letters before on more general topics, but I need some personal advice now.

First, my background: I'm nearly 20 and a girl. I grew up semi-active in the Church with inactive parents. I was never very involved in youth activities growing up because of typical youth issues- didn't get along with the people, too cliquey, etc.

For the past two years, I've gone to college where I was one of 3 members.

With all of this, and other factors of course, I haven't really dated. And while I know I'm not yet ready to be in a serious relationship or get married, I'm tired of never having any romance in my life and painfully aware that never having been kissed at age 20 is not normal.

But, I have hope because I'll be transferring to a Church university next year which, if nothing else, will take away most of my excuses for not dating.

Now, my situation:

Last winter, I was home for a month during the holidays. I go to the YSA ward when I'm home, and it's hard to be really comfortable there, but it's better than going to my "home" ward without my parents.

During this past break it was better because I had a couple friends in the ward with me.

Through one of these friends I started to become friends with a guy who had always been the talk of the girls at church when we were Beehives, but that I had never really spoken to before.

I've always had a mild interest in him because he's so gorgeous, but after starting to actually talk to him, I developed a huge crush. I knew nothing could, or would, happen between us, since I was only home for a month, and he was supposed to be starting his mission papers and leaving in May (He's now nearly 20, as well).

In discussing a situation about a friend, we had both expressed that we were of the opinion that steady dating before a mission wasn't a good idea.

But with my full-blown crush on him, I still had hopes that we might go out on a date or he might be my first kiss.

None of that happened, but I was still overly gratified with the flirting that went on between us... and the one night of holding hands (at FHE, none the less) that he initiated.

I realize that I was stupid about the entire situation... my expectations and hopes for what would go on between us were unrealistic and paradoxical, and there was hanging out, so the relationship was never actually defined.

Toward the end of my break, it became clear that he wasn't just in a flirty relationship with me, but with another girl, too. I was upset, but I knew I couldn't fault him.

I mean if we had actually been going out on dates, that's what casual dating would be, right?

We said goodbye when I went back to school assuming it would be for more than two years, since he was going to leave on his mission in May.

This past semester, I have retained this ridiculous crush on him.

We've talked a few times, although I haven't heard anything else about his mission, I don't even think his papers have been turned in. It's June now, and I'll be going back home soon.

And his Facebook status has just changed to "In a Relationship".

As much as I know that I have no reason to be sad or upset, I am.

I was getting excited to see him again, and entertaining romantic fantasies...

I suppose what I'm asking is how do I get over this huge, irrational crush on him?

I mean, he's obviously unavailable, and even if he wasn't seeing anyone, I guess he's still planning on going on a mission so there is obviously not no kind of a future with us.

I need to get over him.

I'm just not sure what I can do to get him out of my head.

Here's hoping you have some advice, and thanks in advance!

- Obsessed

Dear Obsessed,

I'm sad, too.

It sounds like this guy is putting off missionary service because of a girl. I wish he wasn't.

But I am glad that you're not the girl!

The way to "get over" someone is to be social with other people and let time pass.

Put away all the things that remind you of this "relationship" that isn't going to (and shouldn't) happen.

Spend your time focusing on guys that present possible relationships that might actually lead to the Temple.

Going to a Church-centered school, or at least a school where a strong institute program exists, will help.

Be Patient.

And Be Smart.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,


I know that this is what I need to do, but it helps to hear it.

How do I approach the situation when I go home in a few days, though?

I'd like to be friends with him (at least friendly at Church and stuff), but I'm afraid of being awkward or showing that I like him so much and also still being able to get over that.

- Obsessed

Dear Obsessed,

If you want to be friendly at Church, and you should, then be friendly.

If he figures out you like him, then he figures it out.

If you want to stop obsessing (and I think you should), then focus on other people.

Sorry, but it's really not any more complicated than that.

It may be painful, and it will definitely take time.

Be Patient.

- Bro Jo

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