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Monday, September 5, 2016

Blindsided by the Girl of His Dreams - Part 1

Dear Bro Jo,

Yesterday the girl of my dreams broke up with me.

I played football and don't think I was ever caught off guard like this.

To call me roadkill right now would understate the severity of the trucking I just went through. She said she "just knows it isn't right".

That's the answer she gave me and, apparently, the answer she got from HF.

Also, she did it by text!

My mind has been racing ever since trying to figure out everything. I'm a little mad, extremely sad, and still trying to be happy amidst this trial. I'm just mad because she did it by text actually, but beyond that I'm not mad.

How could I be with her, right?

Here's the thing Bro Jo, I certainly hadn't prayed like she did, mostly because we made things official six days ago (not a real great track record coming off the mission, I know haha), but I felt like it was right!

Heck, I will even go so far as to say that I felt good about moving to Salt Lake from Cali because I met her and that pretty much explained to me why I felt like moving out here anyway!

I figured it was HF's doing.

Maybe it's too soon to call her the girl of my dreams. We have known each other about a month, though, so I felt like we got to know each other pretty well after all the dates we went on. I say girl of my dreams because she served in the same country that I did, speaks the same second language, is down to earth, rational, smart, funny, incredibly good looking, fun, and digs me (kind of a rarity). 

Now that we understand that I'll say this: I realize you've had people ask you this before but I was too lazy to go back 4 years into your blog to look for it, so why, if I felt that it was right, would she get a "not right" answer?

Now I know His thoughts are not our thoughts, and I don't expect an absolute answer, but I would like some outside perspective if you would be so kind.

Also, I do plan in asking Him, but not yet.

Right now it wouldn't help at all with my biased heart and frantic head.

After your response I may have some more questions so, brace yourself.

- Blindsided

Dear Blindsided,

While I do think one month and 6 days of being together are hardly enough investment to be using the "girl of my dreams" label, I can certainly understand the sentiment

Let's tackle the larger philosophical question: when two people are dating and they go to the Lord to ask if this is a relationship they should continue, how is it possible that one could receive confirmation to continue while the other is prompted to call things off?

And the answer is . . . wait for it . . . it isn't possible.

Why then does it seem to happen?


One of them is wrong.

Or, at least, one of them is interpreting the revelation wrong or was asking the wrong questions or doesn't understand the nature of revelation.

In your specific case it's easy because, as you said, you never really asked Heavenly Father anyway. 

But let's say you did.

We'd first have to look at what question you asked.

See, there's a difference between "should I keep dating this girl", "is this THE girl I should marry", and "is this someone for whom I will be a Good Eternal Companion".

I suspect, depending on the situation and the person asking and the person being asked about, one could get what seems like three different answers and yet all still have the same outcome.

For example . . .

You could hear "might as well keep dating her" and think God means "YES!" when he just as well means "until someone else comes along".

You could hear "there's no such thing as THE girl" and think you're being told "nope" when what is meant is "this is a good one, don't blow it".

And you could ask the last example question and get "if you promise to always serve her with all of your heart, might, mind and strength" but think you're hearing "you're not yet worthy of her".

And all of that is possible because personal revelation goes through the filter in our head.

If we read the Doctrine and Covenants carefully we learn that personal revelation has the purpose of helping someone else for whom we have stewardship; that's how we know it's true.

But a lot of the questions we ask are selfish in their motivation and composition, therefore it's difficult for us to understand the answer . . . IF there is an answer.

What you do need to understand is this: she called it off, and whether she's right or wrong, it's off. 

One person wanting the relationship to succeed is not enough.

Maybe she got revelation to that effect.

If she did, what she would have heard was that it's better for YOU that she break up.

If she thinks she got that it was better for HER, well, that's too selfish (even if correct) to be revelation.

Either way, while it won't feel better for some time, it's best you two aren't dating.

I'll share with you one last thought: in business I often get bummed when a regular client decides to try one of my competitors.

Sometimes I feel angry and betrayed.

Sometimes I feel cheated.

What I should be doing is considering whether or not I was giving them the service they required.

If what they needed was something that I can't provide, they're better off elsewhere.

If it's something I can and should have provided, I need to make some improvement and may even try to win them back.

If I can't win them back, then at least the experience should help me improve.

But you know what happens some (maybe even most) of the time?

They try the other business and realize that I am a pretty good value.

When they come back, rather than dwell on my bitter feelings about them leaving, if I show gratitude and do my best to take care of them, they'll be loyal clients for life.

Make sense?

- Bro Jo

1 comment:

Becky said...

I recently broke up with a guy who apparently is still devastated (he says). We had been dating for a longer time but it was a long distance relationship so we both felt that was appropriate. There came a point though, when Heavenly Father said, "You're done" and I broke up with him. It was a tough decision to come to but once I made it, everything smoothed out and I have learned a ton since then.

Here are some of the things I learned:
He is a good guy, just not the right guy for me.
While we got along great about almost everything, there were two core beliefs that we did not agree on. Initially we were both okay with just agreeing to disagree but there came a discussion where he accused me of "Lecturing him" when I was simply sharing my beliefs about something intensely spiritual. It was then I realized that yes, I was done with this relationship.
After the breakup, all sorts of stalker-ish behavior showed up from him and as I analyzed things I realized that he had actually stopped listening to me several months before.
There is a big difference between talking and listening. When I broke up with him he said, "I'm going to pretend that we didn't even have that conversation." Really. "I think I can get you to change your mind." and then he said, "I realized that I was treating you poorly, I just thought we had been in this relationship long enough that I didn't have to work so hard on it." BIG RED FLAG...
Looking back now, I can see more of the times where he put himself before our relationship and I realized more than ever how I want someone who not only values me, but puts Heavenly Father first in his life. I learned a lot, I actually healed a lot, and that is why I think I was encouraged to continue the relationship for a longer time.
I better know now what I want and I can wait to get it because I am worth it and I a positive the wait will be worth it.
So if you were to ask this guy if he prayed about it, he might say yes he did and he can't understand why I would get a different answer. Well, maybe it's because he really was asking a different question, but maybe he isn't listening also.
Thanks Bro Jo for the opportunity we all have to learn from others lives! I appreciate you!