What Makes a Better Relationship: Attraction and Fun or Stability and Tenderness?

Dear Bro Jo,

Hi Bro. Jo,

I've been dating a lot since I've last emailed you, and it's been great! I've been dating a lot of very different guys and it's helping me learn more about myself and how I need to improve in order to progress towards marriage. It's also helping me become more aware of the type of man that I am most compatible with.

This brings me to my current situation. . . .

There are two men that I am currently involved with. By involved I just mean dating, but neither is exclusive. I like them both for different reasons. The first guy is so fun and outgoing, super funny, hardworking, committed to living the gospel and following Christ, and I feel very comfortable around him. We talk about anything and everything. We have SO much fun! We're both the youngest children of huge families, and as a result, are incredibly similar (in good ways, and not so good ways).

The second guy is also very hardworking, committed to the gospel, and so kind. He is a little less outgoing and funny, but has such a kind, tender heart. I feel at ease around him because he is so calm and easygoing. I feel like he mellows me out a bit, which is good for me. We aren't as similar, but I feel our personalities and lifelong goals complement each other well.

So, I ask you: when looking for an eternal partner (as I could easily see myself marrying either down the road), are opposites really best? Or should I look for someone more similar to myself, personality wise? Neither is perfect, they both have their flaws (as do I. . .times a million). I've been reading about "Birth order marriages" and it says two last born children do not a stable marriage make, and I could definitely see that happening if I chose the first guy (we're both very free-spirited). I could also see us having the funnest life ever together. But, with the second guy, I could see us having a very stable, tender relationship.

What do you think? I have never been married and don't quite have your expertise. ;)

Thanks in advance for your help!

- Just Wondering




Dear JW,

Finding a Good Eternal Companion is less about attraction and more about finding someone you can love and serve and whom you can trust will love and serve you.

Sister Jo and I are opposite about somethings, but not very many.

I am very grateful that I married someone I like to hang out with; someone I can trust; someone I can talk to.

Yes, I find her very attractive and we have a ton of fun together, but that doesn't mean we don't fight and argue!

It does mean that when the dust settles I know she's there for me.

I love talking to her more than anything else.

And, perhaps most importantly, I trust her.

Don't put too much stock in things like "birth order","opposites attract" and other random internet quizzes and compatibility studies and stuff.

What we've heard in conference is true:  a couple that makes the Gospel the center of their lives and relationship will do extremely well.

There's lots of possible great companions out there for each person.

As far as these two guys go (they both sound like great guys), trust your instincts; you'll figure out which is the better choice for you.

- Bro Jo