Finding Happiness

Desr Bro Jo,

I recently stumbled upon your blog, that's awesome. I'm 26. I recently have been going on this LDS chat room. I am very careful and slightly hesitant.

I met a guy about a week ago. I'm a bigger girl and self-conscious about myself.

Two situations:

SITUATION #1

This guy I met, we both agreed to not exchange pictures until we were both comfortable.

I also wanted to get to know the REAL person both ways. We text and email now, but still haven't had a actual conversation on the phone, we each have something we're warming up to. We both like each other so far. He's a great guy, that I know of.

We agreed to meet in Utah in a few weeks for an actual date, he's gonna pay. I'm at BYUI and he's living in AZ, but close to Southern Utah. I don't have a car so it makes it hard. We both miss each other if we don't talk that much. He's very shy and only likes it when I ask him questions. I kind of have feelings for him, but obviously not sure as to what is going to happen.


SITUATION #2
 
Same deal, met this guy online.

We started talking, but I caved and exchanged pics and he thinks I'm gorgeous, that's exactly what he said.

Anyways he and I have only talked for a few hours, and we both are attracted to each other and have a lot of the same values and interests.

Right now he's in Montana working. He says that he eventually/soon wants to come see me and go on a date. Towards the end of the conversation I asked him if we were talking, dating, or just getting to know each other. Without hesitation he said we're dating.

Anywho, I'm happy, but confused, concerned and anxious. Yes I can't wait to see him, but how did this happen so fast?


I like both of these guys, and they both live far. I'm trying to be safe without coming off to them as me not being interested. I've never been in a long distance relationship.

How do I know they won't go after other girls, or if they're both lying to me? 

Help??

- Name Withheld




Dear NW,

When you meet people on line there's no way to know that any of what they say is true unless it's corroborated by a trustworthy mutual friend. 

I'm sorry, but it's just too easy to be dishonest in one's virtual contacts. 

Sister Jo and I laugh about our friends who have never posted an on line picture that hasn't been Photoshopped ("Wow!  that one doesn't look like her At All."), so you're right to be very cautious. 

There are literally hundreds of Young Men at your school that would like to date you, so my preference is that you'd keep your social interactions on campus.  If you do decide to meet either of these guys, and I do think that's worth trying, then:

1.  They need to come to you.  You're worth the trip, so they'll have to make it.

2.  Meet for the first few times in public places, preferably with friends close.  These meetings are not dates, they're meetings, so "pick up" does not apply.  You've got to get a feel for what kind of person someone is before you agree to go somewhere alone with them.

Or at the very least make sure that your first dates are well planned, during daylight, and you have a way to be rescued if needed.


I absolutely think you need to be talking to these men on the phone instead of just texts and chats.


I think they need to do the calling (and so does Sister Jo, by the way), and I think you need to keep BOTH possibilities open; no need to limit yourself to just one of these guys (or even both of them) at this point.  They may be seeing other girls, but there's no reason why you can't be dating other guys!



Now, Dear Sister, if you're self-conscious about your size, and if it's something you can control, then do.  I can tell you from experience that changing one's diet, understanding the body and how food works, and getting a little bit of exercise can do wonders, not just for the physique, but for health and self-confidence.

It took two and a half years, and is a constant battle every day, but I lost 50 pounds by understanding the psychological challenges I have with food (I have to convince myself that the cookie I see now is not the last of its kind - and that's a battle I don't always win), understanding how many calories are in certain foods (I can never eat a Costco muffin again, and I used to eat them 2 at a time), and confessing to myself that simply existing and occasionally going for a walk does not change the fact that I live a sedentary life. 

As I said, it's a constant battle, and I still have a ways to go.  But it's doable!

I've made these changes because I was very unhappy with how I was.  (Still am, a bit.)


If you're not unhappy, you won't be motivated to change.

And if you are happy, if your size does not pose any health risks, then accept who you are!  Embrace your size and say "this is who I am, and there's nothing wrong with that"!

And then you can stop feeling self-conscious.

Self-confidence is attractive, so whatever size you are, or you choose to be, take confidence in the fact that regardless of that you're a great person who deserves to be taken on dates.


Let me know how your on line experiences go, would ya?

- Bro Jo