Dear Bro Jo
There were a couple (three) guys at my previous job that I could tell were competing for my attention. It was new to me and I didn't quite know how to handle it. The two who told me their feelings I was only honest with, I just had my eye on one.
"Josh" and I joked around and flirted every day. He's the happiest person I know, being around him just made me feel good. He's personable, he's a hard worker, he's dedicated and just a really comfortable person for me to be around. It got to the point where I looked forward to work just to see him. We often made plans but they always fell through for one reason or another, it bummed me out.
One time, he invited me to go to his favorite restaurant with him to meet up with one of his friends. It wasn't a date but it was fun! He picked me up, came in and introduced himself to my roommate and we made plans to go out, just us. That never happened. Nothing ever happened with Josh and it drove me insane.
Josh accepted another job and everyone in my office only ever teases me about him. Why we aren't dating, what happened, etc. One guy pulled me aside and told me that Josh told him how interested he was in me and encouraged me to be more forward with him. It was news to me since Josh never followed through with anything, I thought he was just being friendly. So I texted Josh to hang out three different times. Each time, he said he wanted to do something but always just left me hanging. I deleted every text he sent me and decided I was done, I'd given him enough chances.
Two days ago, he sent me a text and told me he wanted to hang out. It was fun. I met his friend, I went to his apartment, we played some games and talked for a while. I was really hoping to get a good feel of where John was with everything (especially since everyone constantly told me how much he liked me).
I spoke to him pretty (really) openly that night about myself, my past and where I was at. I told him I had feelings for him and that I'd always been interested in him. He didn't say much and stewed around for quit a while. He showed me his baby book, started opening up a bit before he told me he was bi sexual. I was floored.
It felt like something that I hear about happening to someone else but not to me. I didn't know what to say or think, I hardly knew what I was feeling. He was crying and told me he'd only come out to a select few. I know he was worried about what I thought of him.
I told him I respected him and he's still one of the greatest/happiest guys I know. In all honesty, all I could think about was running away from the conversation and forgetting everything he shared with me but I knew I couldn't. Josh continued to tell me details about how growing up, his dad was the high school principal and his bishop and he felt like he had to live a perfect Mormon life, especially when he graduated from BYU and got a job working for the Church.
He told me he had a mental break down and was in the psych ward of the hospital for about a week a year ago because he couldn't handle the pressure he felt. He told me he's into gay porn and more interested in guys then girls.
I felt embarrassed that I started the evening off having a massive crush on this guy. I know the stats, I know how many guys are into porn and I know how many (in my ward at least) struggle with same gender attraction, I just never thought I would be facing it like I was, wrapped up in a conversation with no idea how to direct.
All he wants is love and acceptance. Multiple times, he asked me what I thought he should do, to which, I have no answer. I don't know what to say to him. At first, I wasn't even sure I could handle being friends with him. But now, I know he needs me to be his friend. I just don't know how to be his friend!
Please help.
- Name Withheld
Dear NW,
You can be someone's friend without agreeing with everything they think and do. Simply treat "Josh" as Christ would: with kindness and caring.
For the record, "the stats" aren't as high as you may think. Gay guys aren't "1 in 10" like certain media outlets claim (it may be true in their small slice of the world, perhaps) more like 1 in a thousand . . . if that.
Being effeminate, liking traditionally "girlie" things (like, what I guess, fashion and musical theater?) doesn't mean that a guy is homosexual. Nor does simply confessing that another guy is "good looking". (That could just mean that a guy is honest and comfortable with his own heterosexuality.)
Some people do struggle with same-gender attraction. Some people embrace it. And some people have learned it, even training themselves (or having been trained by others - "groomed", if you will) to respond to same-sex images and activities in a particular way. (It happens Way More than certain segments of society want people to know.)
I have no way of knowing where your friend falls, but it does seem as though he is accepting, perhaps even declaring, that he wants to act out homo-sexually.
That's his right to do so. (So long as he isn't hurting, or grooming, anyone else.)
He's not an animal. He still has agency. And that includes what he chooses to do with his body. (One can be "same-gender attracted" and choose not to identify as a homosexual, partake of gay-porn, or partake in homosexual sex and sex acts. Those are choices that people make.)
(Tangent note: rape, including statutory rape, is not a sex act; it's a violation. Having been raped by someone of the same gender does of itself mean that one is a homosexual.)
Gay or straight this guy clearly suffers from a pornography addiction, and it will mess-up his future relationships.
I think he needs help with that, and recommend the Church's Addiction Recovery Program. If he truly wants your advice about what he should do I think you should recommend that he talk to his Bishop and get enrolled. The choices he's making are clearly bringing him a lot of pain, and mending his relationship with his Savior can help him.
Same-gender attraction may be the burden he has to bear in this life; it may mean that to more closely follow Christ he'll need to choose a life of celibacy. That certainly would be more healthy than the alternative he may be considering.
Lastly, my advice to you is that while you're right to maintain his friendship and show him love and support, you also need to realize for yourself that it would be wrong to allow him to be an anchor in your life. Your association with Josh cannot impede your own spiritual progression, not because of his sexual preference, but because he seems to be dumping all of his problems at your door step.
Being his friend, being a decent person, does not mean he's entitled to treat you as his 24-7 personal therapist.
Don't stop dating other guys, and don't expect Josh to magically be a different person one day.
That's not fair to either of you.
Let Josh be Josh, and you be you.
- Bro Jo
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