Dear Bro Jo,
Thank you for the years of advice and encouragement you've provided to so many people. I enjoy reading and pondering almost every post you write.
I wrote to you awhile back complaining and feeling sorry for myself, and you helped me pick myself back up and look forward with faith.
The reason I write to you today is because I have found an amazing guy to date. We have a lot of things in common and identify on many levels. Our minds seem to work in similar ways. He's also very committed to the Gospel and has taught me and caused me to ponder many new perspectives.
I've been dating him for about three weeks. He lives an hour and a half away and doesn't even bat an eyelash when it comes to driving that far to take me on a date. However, with him being so far away, when he comes to go on a date our dates end up being very long. Longer than a normal date. In fact this weekend he rented a hotel in SLC and slept there so he could take me on another date the next day. Should I be honored or freaked out that he cares for me so much he's willing to be this dedicated?
The other day, on our 6th date, he shocked me by telling me he loved me. Everything was going pretty well up to then, except for the fact that he's a little overly expressive about his emotions (for my taste). That sounds so rude, but as much as I'd like to be, I'm not a fluffy words kind of person. Or at least not in this stage of the game. He's always sending me texts thanking me for the best week of his life, or telling me I'm the most amazing girl in the world. It's all coming on a little strong and I'm trying hard to be patient and not let myself be scared off running for the hills. When I'm with him and we talk about real things there are many,many qualities I admire and I do enjoy our time together.
However, I am not in love with him yet. I've expressed this honestly. The thing I hate worst is to lead people on. He's been really understanding and supportive of this, but he still continues to express himself inordinately.
A little background on the story: he's 29 and I'm 22. I have dated a ridiculous amount of guys. I don't tell you that to sound conceited, in fact I'm not proud of the fact that I've dated so many guys. I understand its all for my experience, but I have had so much more than my fair share of heart ache and causing heart ache to others. I have taken periods of time to regroup and figure out how to be happy on my own. In fact, I'm to the point now where I'm a little too independent and happy to be on my own. I'm also very reserved. Though I'm still very young, I'm aware of the fact that if I'm not careful I will fall into the trap of single hood because its so much easier for me than the vulnerability of a relationship. Also I'm a flight attendant, so the opportunities for distraction from loneliness are endless. Being an overly-cautious person about everything in life, love and marriage absolutely terrify me.
To tell you a little background on this man I'm dating, he has only kissed one other girl in his whole life. There's nothing wrong with that, he's just been terrified of girls and women, and is so kindhearted that he's been taken advantage of and hurt countless times. Apparently I've awoken something in him though, because to me he doesn't seem shy at all. We talk for hours and hours and sometimes I get a little annoyed at how much he talks. I'm a kindhearted person as well, and I think its one of Heavenly Father's gifts to me that I'm able to help others feel at ease and confident with themselves. I only say that because its happened numerous times with friends and people I've dated.
Anyway, he reminds me of how I was when I was 18. I fell so easily for people back then because it was all so exciting and new. I wish I could catch his same enthusiasm, but I'm just not there yet, and do not know if I'll ever be. I haven't felt that "over the moon" feeling since I was 18-19, and back then I fell for the guys who treated me absolutely the worst because I didn't have enough confidence to stand on my own two feet.
I like the advice you've given recently and the honesty you share about yours and Sister Jo's relationship. You specify clearly that the "Hollywood" feelings are unrealistic and that people my age are way too picky and quick to throw a relationship out just because it doesn't feel perfect.
Alternately though,my mom tries to tell me that when I fall in love I will be head over heels crazy and never want to be apart from them. But my personality is way different than hers. she is a rose-colored optimist and I'm a pretty even-keel girl. I don't get giddy or excited too often at all. My emotions tend to stay grounded. Though I do feel very deeply and considerate for the people and things that I love about life.
So that's a ridiculously long explanation leading up to my questions for you, but my questions for you are these: in your opinion, do you believe love is always something we "fall into", or is it a choice?
Do you perceive any red flags or concerning desperation from what I've told you about this guy?
Lastly, do you think I should hang on and continue to pray about this relationship to give it its best chance, or should I let him go to be able to find a girl who matches his enthusiasm? I am not to the point that I'm no longer interested in learning more about him, I just need a little space from his excitement.
Thank you so much for reading this, I hope you've had a pleasant Sabbath
Sincerely,
- N.W.
Dear N.W.
I'd like to start by pointing out to you that you began by telling me that you've "found an amazing guy to date".
Some people "fall into" love . . . and some people choose to love. And sometimes it's both. And sometimes we change.
I do believe that, in general, men fall in love with women they're attracted to and women grow attracted to the man they're in love with.
I also think that the Church is full of men and women who have let a rational concern about picking a good eternal companion grow into an unhealthy fear of marriage (and a fear of sex).
And I think we can balance that with the fact that it's a Good Thing that you're not as easily twitter pated now as you were when you were first out of high school.
I understand (and at least one of the Jo Boys would agree) that being overly pursued by someone who is more excited about the relationship than you are at this point can be a turn off.
(Ever seen this clip?)
I dated a girl who, on paper, was quite the catch. Pretty, smart, funny, fun to be with . . . but she did two things that drove me crazy. One was that she was just too smitten too soon. It scared me. (The other was that she used "baby talk" ALL ... THE ... TIME . . . some people may love that, but for me it was really annoying.)
I don't see any Red Flags at this time.
Pink ones, maybe . . .
For example: there's nothing wrong with him getting a hotel room so he can date you twice in one weekend. I think that's very cool, actually. But under no circumstances should you ever be at (and certainly not in) said room with him. Not that you would. But it needs to be said.
And your age differences are on the edges of what I recommend. That might have something to do with the uncomfortable feelings and / or the different perspective you both have on life . . . but it's not big enough to be a Red Flag.
In general I think you should worry a little less about your enthusiasm not matching his and consider yourself lucky. If he's as amazing as you say he is and he's that head over heels for you . . . well, little sister, those are not a bad combination!
You know . . . I wonder if it might help both of you if you were to share with him what you've shared with me. After all, the key to any awesome relationship is communication . . .
What you're perceiving as "over enthusiastic" might be a symptom of his concern that he might lose you. If he knew that you like and care for him, but that you find it a turn off when he gushes as much as he does; that you want to keep dating him and love to see him all the time, but that you'll be more comfortable if he slows down a little . . . perhaps is more sparing and sincere with his compliments . . .
I think that's worth a shot.
Hate to see you miss out on a great guy, especially one that you seem to like so much.
- Bro Jo
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