Dear Bro Jo,
I have been out on my mission for a couple months now, I'm a little under a year, and I suppose like any Missionary -- I have girl problems.
Now I'm not saying I was, how you call, "The Mack Daddy" back home, but I have some 'followers' still. Now maybe it's not a bad thing to have a little fan club or a friend or so who writes you, but I have been asked by one of my followers if I was going to marry them...
It was a very indirect way, the question wasn't upfront, but it was prevalent for sure. That's not good. I did my best to kindly tell this young woman that I needed to focus on my mission, which worked quite well, as I did this in my first month or two and haven't received an email since. I think she got the hint, but I wasn't really interested anyway, making it a little easier to get the guts to do it. I also was probably a little more upfront and blunt than I should have been (?)
Now, my question is, how do I tell the girls I AM interested in to write me less? So I can focus more?
I don't want to hurt feelings but I think it's very easy for girls to take it the wrong way. I don't
want to burn Bridges, but I do want to maybe put a road block sign or something Saying "Hey, Girl, this Bridge is under construction right now and is currently unavailable, stay tuned, it'll open again after the summer"
I'm not trying to sound like I'm a lady slayer, but I get Emails every week from some girls, and I appreciate the thought and sentiment, but I feel like every time I get an email, I feel obligated to write back. And I just don't have the time.
And I feel like once a week is too much. Especially for girls I'm not dating. How do I limit correspondence without sounding like a self-righteous jerk?
But in the end, it's all for not (or so it seems), I'm not even sure anything will come from any of these 'potential investigators', as I will be in college, most likely very different colleges as the other girls, so it seems clear to me to not let this distraction, distract me, as there isn't as much opportunity there anyway
To sum it up, in a quick overview, how do I get girls to write me less without cutting any ties, or having minimal damage? Is once a Month a good period, or once every 2 weeks?
Or am I just a Dingus?
Sincerely,
- On the Lord's Errand
Dear Elder,
I know you may not feel this way, but lots of guys wish they had you problem!
The key is, I think, to not write them back as often as they're writing you. Once a month is the most frequent you should respond, IMHO. If you don't have time, you don't have time.
It's not impolite, and you won't be burning any bridges. Skip a few weeks, particularly with those girls who might be .... "the most annoying" ... and, when you do feel inspired to write back ... perhaps in a month ... or two or three ... from now, lead off with "sorry I'm just now getting back to you; mission life is super busy; it is great hearing from you though!"
They'll feel better, and be learning something valuable as well.
A tough but important lesson that we all need to learn I think, made particularly difficult given the technology of the day, is patience.
Be Kind.
But don't feel as though you have to treat every email as if it's on fire.
Keep up the good work!
- Bro Jo
Friday, March 30, 2018
Wednesday, March 28, 2018
Break Up or Stick It Out? (part 2 of 2)
Dear Bro Jo,
I guess there are a few other factors I may have neglected to mention.
First, we’ve talked about marriage a bit and we are gunning towards it, and it was really nice because we never have had to have that whole “okay, so…where are we going?” talk, it just kind of came up naturally. Her older sister kind of confronted her a little and said “if you guys are gonna get married, why are you waiting?”
So two reasons:
First, she always says “when I’m on my feet, when I have a job, when I have things figured out…” kind of stuff. I can respect that, she wants to feel like she is her own person before she joins lives with another person.
Second, me. I have had some major struggles in the past, before serving a mission, with a pornography addiction. Classic story, it reared its ugly head and I allowed it back into my life after I came home. Today, I am relatively clean. But, I don’t feel like it’s far enough in my past to feel comfortable moving forward with our relationship. She knows about it and is encouraging me and we’re working on it together, and I feel like I’m making huge progress. I just don’t feel like I’m ready yet.
So with that as a backdrop…
I agree, you’re definitely right about me making things more complicated than they are due to my past relationships. I still half believe sometimes that people, not my girlfriend, aren’t being sincere with me about wanting me around or “liking me” or anything. That all makes total sense.
Just to clarify, she visits the foster family at least twice a year, though she did say that after the baby is three or so she’s going to taper off visits, because it would start to get weird. I think being involved has been therapeutic for her, to see that her mistake has turned into a good experience for this family and that the baby girl is doing well. But I agree, it’s kind of a strange situation and it’s weird to think about and try to wrap my mind around at times. Maybe that causes some hesitation.
Anyway, I guess it’s always complicated with me. I appreciate you telling me to stop looking for ways out, this relationship has been nothing but good, and good for me. Regardless of my hesitations and concerns, I should be just grateful that things are working out so well for me, in spite of my own personal failings and weaknesses.
- Clever
Dear Clever,
Sometimes when we are expecting the Lord to tell us "yes; do this; keep going" we miss that he is giving us an answer because he isn't saying "no; don't do it; stop".
Motivation and courage usually need to come from within.
Doubts come from Satan. If the Lord wants you to stop dating her, he'll tell you in a very clear way.
Until you hear that, I say Carry On!
- Bro Jo
I guess there are a few other factors I may have neglected to mention.
First, we’ve talked about marriage a bit and we are gunning towards it, and it was really nice because we never have had to have that whole “okay, so…where are we going?” talk, it just kind of came up naturally. Her older sister kind of confronted her a little and said “if you guys are gonna get married, why are you waiting?”
So two reasons:
First, she always says “when I’m on my feet, when I have a job, when I have things figured out…” kind of stuff. I can respect that, she wants to feel like she is her own person before she joins lives with another person.
Second, me. I have had some major struggles in the past, before serving a mission, with a pornography addiction. Classic story, it reared its ugly head and I allowed it back into my life after I came home. Today, I am relatively clean. But, I don’t feel like it’s far enough in my past to feel comfortable moving forward with our relationship. She knows about it and is encouraging me and we’re working on it together, and I feel like I’m making huge progress. I just don’t feel like I’m ready yet.
So with that as a backdrop…
I agree, you’re definitely right about me making things more complicated than they are due to my past relationships. I still half believe sometimes that people, not my girlfriend, aren’t being sincere with me about wanting me around or “liking me” or anything. That all makes total sense.
Just to clarify, she visits the foster family at least twice a year, though she did say that after the baby is three or so she’s going to taper off visits, because it would start to get weird. I think being involved has been therapeutic for her, to see that her mistake has turned into a good experience for this family and that the baby girl is doing well. But I agree, it’s kind of a strange situation and it’s weird to think about and try to wrap my mind around at times. Maybe that causes some hesitation.
Anyway, I guess it’s always complicated with me. I appreciate you telling me to stop looking for ways out, this relationship has been nothing but good, and good for me. Regardless of my hesitations and concerns, I should be just grateful that things are working out so well for me, in spite of my own personal failings and weaknesses.
- Clever
Dear Clever,
Sometimes when we are expecting the Lord to tell us "yes; do this; keep going" we miss that he is giving us an answer because he isn't saying "no; don't do it; stop".
Motivation and courage usually need to come from within.
Doubts come from Satan. If the Lord wants you to stop dating her, he'll tell you in a very clear way.
Until you hear that, I say Carry On!
- Bro Jo
Monday, March 26, 2018
Break Up or Stick It Out? (part 1 of 2)
Bro Jo,
I've written you a few times in the past and I've always appreciated your advice. It's been helpful and usually spot-on. I just have a question that I hope you'll be able to answer in time. I understand that your inbox gets flooded a lot though, so no pressure :)
Okay, so question in a nutshell. And I do apologize for dumping stuff on you, but I haven't been able to share my concerns with anyone else since there are sensitive details that people that know her shouldn't really know. So I'm going to you anonymously as an outside source kind of deal. I hope that's okay.
I'm still dating the girl I mentioned in my last email, we've been dating long-distance since January and things are going well. You might also remember that this is my first relationship since my failed engagement last year, so I'm nervous about things still. Well, I guess we're at that point where we start deciding if things are going to get serious or not and I guess I'm a bit conflicted.
She is a lovely girl. She's like the other half of me in a lot of ways.
We're super similar personality wise and experience wise, and we match really well in so many ways.
The problem I'm finding is that I'm getting a little bit less attracted to her of late.
We both finished work at (Location Withheld) during the winter holiday season, and I came to school and she went home to work for a while before transferring from (School Name Withheld) to wherever she's going next.
So here we are, 6 months later, and she hasn't found a job yet.
She babysits once or twice a week for people in her ward, but that's about it.
She's 22 years old, hasn't decided where to go to school from here, hasn't gotten a job, and just kind of bums around at home. She's done good before, she went to school and went to work where we met, but now she's just...stuck.
It's kind of not very attractive.
She has recently gone out to get applications and things, but I'm concerned that this might just be who she is. She's never gotten her driver's license, and she also spent two years after high school sitting at home getting into trouble and things.
She's repented of her past and definitely moved on, but I'm worried that she's just one of those floater types. I hear all the time "how come my parents keep harassing me about gaining a little weight or about not getting a job? Can't they recognize that I'm making efforts and that I'm trying?"
Which in my experience is the mantra of a person who can't get their crap together and feels guilty but is trying to make themselves feel better. I've said it, my siblings have all said it, and we were all in the wrong when we did. It's not my job to push her, only to encourage her, but I just do not know if I want to marry someone who is, frankly, a bit lazy and kind of a failure to launch.
But the catch is that I'm kind of basically in love with her and I don't know what to choose.
It's a tough spot, man.
So I'd be content to wait around and see if she follows through on her recent burst of energy and motivation and gets a job and gets crap figured out, but this weekend she wants to make a huge step that I'm not sure if I'm ready for...
So this is the sensitive part.
When she was just out of high school she made a mistake and long story short, she had a kid and gave it up for adoption through LDS family services. T
he interesting part is that the family has kept the adoption open and stays in regular contact with her.
They live a few hours south, and this weekend they're having a birthday party for the baby (she's 2 now), and my girlfriend invited me along.
Literally no one in her life except for her family and 2 of her best friends and myself know about this.
She kept it from literally everyone. She told me a while ago, and now she wants to let me meet the baby and the family.
I would be totally okay with this...if I was sure that I wanted this to last. Can I really go through with it and then, if she keeps up with this whole not getting anywhere in life stuff, break up with her? I'm pretty sure that would be the most devastating thing ever for her, to finally trust someone enough to let them in totally and then have him walk away. I don't want to be that guy.
Honestly Bro Jo, I just don't know where to go from here and I'm not sure how to react to this whole thing. It's a scary, frustrating situation and I don't want to screw things up, and mostly I just don't want to destroy her heart.
She's a really really sweet girl and she wants to be so many things, she's just really really hesitant about stuff and has a hard time making big decisions. She's scared of failure, because she's definitely seen making the wrong choices backfire.
Anyway, enough novel here. Do you have any insights or recommendations for me? Anything you can offer would be amazing!
Thanks, have a great weekend!
- Do I Have To Do A Clever Name?
Dear Clever,
Loving someone, in my book, means taking the good with the bad.
I think because you were hurt so badly before, you're (understandably) afraid of being hurt again. And I think that's leading you to think things are more complicated than they are.
So you go with her to meet the child and adoptive parents. So what?
She's clearly asked you because she trusts you to be her friend during this very scary experience.
You get to take a three-hour (each way) road trip with the woman you love . . .
I'm sorry . . . but I just don't see a negative or risk there.
In fact, I'll argue that this time together is exactly what you need to find out whether or not you're truly ready to take the next step.
During this trip you should do more listening than talking, but I suspect you'll have the opportunity to bring up your concerns about things like her not working and any other concerns you have. If you do so in a loving "help me to understand" non-accusatory way you might really make your relationship stronger.
Now I'm not a big supporter of Open Adoptions, and I don't think it's good for anyone, especially the child, to have the birth-mother show up . . . at all . . . but that's not the point (and not something I think you should tell her, by the way).
You love her. And she loves you.
Be Supportive.
Instead of looking for ways out of this relationship, look for ways to build it.
Be a go-with guy.
- Bro Jo
I've written you a few times in the past and I've always appreciated your advice. It's been helpful and usually spot-on. I just have a question that I hope you'll be able to answer in time. I understand that your inbox gets flooded a lot though, so no pressure :)
Okay, so question in a nutshell. And I do apologize for dumping stuff on you, but I haven't been able to share my concerns with anyone else since there are sensitive details that people that know her shouldn't really know. So I'm going to you anonymously as an outside source kind of deal. I hope that's okay.
I'm still dating the girl I mentioned in my last email, we've been dating long-distance since January and things are going well. You might also remember that this is my first relationship since my failed engagement last year, so I'm nervous about things still. Well, I guess we're at that point where we start deciding if things are going to get serious or not and I guess I'm a bit conflicted.
She is a lovely girl. She's like the other half of me in a lot of ways.
We're super similar personality wise and experience wise, and we match really well in so many ways.
The problem I'm finding is that I'm getting a little bit less attracted to her of late.
We both finished work at (Location Withheld) during the winter holiday season, and I came to school and she went home to work for a while before transferring from (School Name Withheld) to wherever she's going next.
So here we are, 6 months later, and she hasn't found a job yet.
She babysits once or twice a week for people in her ward, but that's about it.
She's 22 years old, hasn't decided where to go to school from here, hasn't gotten a job, and just kind of bums around at home. She's done good before, she went to school and went to work where we met, but now she's just...stuck.
It's kind of not very attractive.
She has recently gone out to get applications and things, but I'm concerned that this might just be who she is. She's never gotten her driver's license, and she also spent two years after high school sitting at home getting into trouble and things.
She's repented of her past and definitely moved on, but I'm worried that she's just one of those floater types. I hear all the time "how come my parents keep harassing me about gaining a little weight or about not getting a job? Can't they recognize that I'm making efforts and that I'm trying?"
Which in my experience is the mantra of a person who can't get their crap together and feels guilty but is trying to make themselves feel better. I've said it, my siblings have all said it, and we were all in the wrong when we did. It's not my job to push her, only to encourage her, but I just do not know if I want to marry someone who is, frankly, a bit lazy and kind of a failure to launch.
But the catch is that I'm kind of basically in love with her and I don't know what to choose.
It's a tough spot, man.
So I'd be content to wait around and see if she follows through on her recent burst of energy and motivation and gets a job and gets crap figured out, but this weekend she wants to make a huge step that I'm not sure if I'm ready for...
So this is the sensitive part.
When she was just out of high school she made a mistake and long story short, she had a kid and gave it up for adoption through LDS family services. T
he interesting part is that the family has kept the adoption open and stays in regular contact with her.
They live a few hours south, and this weekend they're having a birthday party for the baby (she's 2 now), and my girlfriend invited me along.
Literally no one in her life except for her family and 2 of her best friends and myself know about this.
She kept it from literally everyone. She told me a while ago, and now she wants to let me meet the baby and the family.
I would be totally okay with this...if I was sure that I wanted this to last. Can I really go through with it and then, if she keeps up with this whole not getting anywhere in life stuff, break up with her? I'm pretty sure that would be the most devastating thing ever for her, to finally trust someone enough to let them in totally and then have him walk away. I don't want to be that guy.
Honestly Bro Jo, I just don't know where to go from here and I'm not sure how to react to this whole thing. It's a scary, frustrating situation and I don't want to screw things up, and mostly I just don't want to destroy her heart.
She's a really really sweet girl and she wants to be so many things, she's just really really hesitant about stuff and has a hard time making big decisions. She's scared of failure, because she's definitely seen making the wrong choices backfire.
Anyway, enough novel here. Do you have any insights or recommendations for me? Anything you can offer would be amazing!
Thanks, have a great weekend!
- Do I Have To Do A Clever Name?
Dear Clever,
Loving someone, in my book, means taking the good with the bad.
I think because you were hurt so badly before, you're (understandably) afraid of being hurt again. And I think that's leading you to think things are more complicated than they are.
So you go with her to meet the child and adoptive parents. So what?
She's clearly asked you because she trusts you to be her friend during this very scary experience.
You get to take a three-hour (each way) road trip with the woman you love . . .
I'm sorry . . . but I just don't see a negative or risk there.
In fact, I'll argue that this time together is exactly what you need to find out whether or not you're truly ready to take the next step.
During this trip you should do more listening than talking, but I suspect you'll have the opportunity to bring up your concerns about things like her not working and any other concerns you have. If you do so in a loving "help me to understand" non-accusatory way you might really make your relationship stronger.
Now I'm not a big supporter of Open Adoptions, and I don't think it's good for anyone, especially the child, to have the birth-mother show up . . . at all . . . but that's not the point (and not something I think you should tell her, by the way).
You love her. And she loves you.
Be Supportive.
Instead of looking for ways out of this relationship, look for ways to build it.
Be a go-with guy.
- Bro Jo
Friday, March 16, 2018
Getting Motivated to Date Again (part 3 of 3)
Dear Bro Jo,
Very sound advice and a great perspective to take as I attempt to step away for dating as I've imagined it.
Man, you aren't giving me a lot of wiggle room to stop dating a girl. I do see the more grand design behind this idea though. The detailed approach was very helpful, thanks for providing step-by-step instructions. I'll get to work with thinking on potential girls. I haven't made many quality friends in my short time in (location withheld), so I may need to call on my Bishop for some guidance to find some local girls.
Once again, know of my appreciation for your thoughtful and insightful response. I'll be sure to report on my experience.
Thanks again,
- Motivated
Dear Readers,
While I'm not entirely certain, I do think the young man that sent these emails is now married.
Regardless, while we know dating, even when we're old enough to be Serious Single Dating, can be scary and intimidating . . . it doesn't really need to be.
Yes, dating prepares us for many important things, including Eternal Marriage, it's also supposed to be fun!
The key is that while the RESULTS can be serious (meaning important), not to take ourselves OR those First Few Dates too seriously.
Enjoy!
Best,
- Bro Jo
Very sound advice and a great perspective to take as I attempt to step away for dating as I've imagined it.
Man, you aren't giving me a lot of wiggle room to stop dating a girl. I do see the more grand design behind this idea though. The detailed approach was very helpful, thanks for providing step-by-step instructions. I'll get to work with thinking on potential girls. I haven't made many quality friends in my short time in (location withheld), so I may need to call on my Bishop for some guidance to find some local girls.
Once again, know of my appreciation for your thoughtful and insightful response. I'll be sure to report on my experience.
Thanks again,
- Motivated
Dear Readers,
While I'm not entirely certain, I do think the young man that sent these emails is now married.
Regardless, while we know dating, even when we're old enough to be Serious Single Dating, can be scary and intimidating . . . it doesn't really need to be.
Yes, dating prepares us for many important things, including Eternal Marriage, it's also supposed to be fun!
The key is that while the RESULTS can be serious (meaning important), not to take ourselves OR those First Few Dates too seriously.
Enjoy!
Best,
- Bro Jo
Wednesday, March 14, 2018
Getting Motivated to Date Again (part 2 of 3)
Dear Bro Jo,
I appreciate the thoughtful response from you, especially since you are a busy man with many family responsibilities.
To speak briefly on your candid items. I've never experimented with self-stimulation and am not viewing pornography. I believe your wife is wise to point out those things as being a causation for some men to avoid marriage. Also, I do look forward to having sex with my wife someday. The procreation power and bonding mechanism to my wife are things that definitely appeal to me.
The more I've talked with people who are married, the more convinced I am that you need to marry your best friend or someone who ranks high on your friendship list. I'm very analytic by nature and even more so since my job revolves around that mentality. As a result I'm quick to rule out many girls who I don't connect with early on.
I can definitely see that despite the tough times in marriage and family living there are some very rewarding experiences to be gained.
Unfortunately, I may fall under the "....sad" category.
While I was in (location withheld) there were a handful of girls that wanted to date seriously and I passed on them for one reason or another. There was one girl in particular that I talked myself out of seriously dating because she was 5-6 years older than me (31/32 yrs old), established in her career as a senior engineer, and I was just "a kid" with his first job out of college. At the time, I felt justified in not pursuing her, but I look back and fear I made a mistake since she possessed great attributes and was a cute. I let my fear of her age and her dwindling fertility clock keep me away. The older I get in some ways I feel like my bar has to be set higher because I didn't settle down with a girl earlier. I'm not saying this is right, but it's a thought that has crossed my mind.
Your kissing philosophy is a good one and it works, I've seen that through my own experiences. Ha!
Do you believe it's worth my time to date girls that I don't see future potential in for marriage after having a few meaningful conversations with?
I have set a goal to participate in some proxy sealing's this week with the hope it will add to my desire to date and find a wife after being well instructed this weekend during conference.
Thanks for your sound advice while mixing in some humor, I'm grateful for it.
Hope your week starts off well.
Respectfully,
- The More Motivated "Coming Out of Retirement" Dater
Dear Motivated,
So clearly you have had a bad habit of ruling out women too early or that you maybe shouldn't have ruled out at all.
I think part of that is because you don't understand dating and part of it is because you've been doing it wrong altogether. (No offense.)
While dating certainly should lead to Eternal Companionship, and post marriage is one of the things we need to do to keep our marriages strong, it's clear that you're mentally jumping there way too soon.
That's okay. We can fix that.
And we're going to take advantage of your analytical gifts in doing so.
It's called Rifle Dating.
Take a look at all of the single women you know. It's best if you narrow it down to women who live close enough to date and that you could some day, perhaps in the very distant future, take to the Temple. (That means active in the Church in my book, and that's all.)
Friends. Sisters of friends. Friends of friends. Third cousins. Ward members. Friends of ward members. The girl that works at the grocery store.
All of them between ... let's say ... 19 and 35 with "extra consideration" given to those between 23 and 30.
And, using your analytical mind, pick the one that you think would be the most fun to date and that deserves the most to be taken out on some dates.
Whatever that means to you.
She's pretty. She's interesting. You really want to kiss her. She's just so quirky and weird you find her fascinating. She's a great person. You respect your mom and she told you to.
Whatever.
Give yourself one week to pick out this girl.
(And no, do not share your list or criteria with anyone.)
And ask her out.
Not for this weekend, but by this weekend for the following.
Have a fun plan and go into this date with exactly that purpose. You're not looking for the mother of your eternal children, you're having fun and getting to know someone better that you think is great and deserves to be taken out on dates by a Great Guy (that's you).
And then keep taking her out, at least once or twice a week, until there's some MAJOR reason not to.
I'll be specific.
1. You have confirmation during this time that she's been making out with someone else.
2. She says she doesn't want to date you anymore (which, by the way, you will only know because she tells you so - which means you may have to ask her).
3. You fall madly in love with someone else who feels the same way about you.
That's it. Only those three reasons.
Anything else you come up with is to be discarded as invalid. Because it is.
Sometimes, brother, we need to live a principle to gain a testimony of the principle.
And sometimes we lose that testimony or question our beliefs. That's pretty normal. Satan works on us. We have questions. We get discouraged.
But we need to endure. Sticking to what we know to be true from our past experience or prophetic guidance until our testimony is restored.
Date this girl because she deserves to go out and have some fun.
You have the money. You have the time. And you're a decent enough guy to ensure she has an enjoyable experience.
Plus, you know, the leadership of the Church says to.
And that's a pretty good reason.
When you're on your date focus on finding things about her you like. Deep. Superficial. All of the above.
When you talk to her look for things you have in common. Ask her about her. Make her feel cherished and special and attractive.
Be Sincere.
And Be Positive.
Onward Christian Soldier.
And let me know how it goes, would you please?
- Bro Jo
I appreciate the thoughtful response from you, especially since you are a busy man with many family responsibilities.
To speak briefly on your candid items. I've never experimented with self-stimulation and am not viewing pornography. I believe your wife is wise to point out those things as being a causation for some men to avoid marriage. Also, I do look forward to having sex with my wife someday. The procreation power and bonding mechanism to my wife are things that definitely appeal to me.
The more I've talked with people who are married, the more convinced I am that you need to marry your best friend or someone who ranks high on your friendship list. I'm very analytic by nature and even more so since my job revolves around that mentality. As a result I'm quick to rule out many girls who I don't connect with early on.
I can definitely see that despite the tough times in marriage and family living there are some very rewarding experiences to be gained.
Unfortunately, I may fall under the "....sad" category.
While I was in (location withheld) there were a handful of girls that wanted to date seriously and I passed on them for one reason or another. There was one girl in particular that I talked myself out of seriously dating because she was 5-6 years older than me (31/32 yrs old), established in her career as a senior engineer, and I was just "a kid" with his first job out of college. At the time, I felt justified in not pursuing her, but I look back and fear I made a mistake since she possessed great attributes and was a cute. I let my fear of her age and her dwindling fertility clock keep me away. The older I get in some ways I feel like my bar has to be set higher because I didn't settle down with a girl earlier. I'm not saying this is right, but it's a thought that has crossed my mind.
Your kissing philosophy is a good one and it works, I've seen that through my own experiences. Ha!
Do you believe it's worth my time to date girls that I don't see future potential in for marriage after having a few meaningful conversations with?
I have set a goal to participate in some proxy sealing's this week with the hope it will add to my desire to date and find a wife after being well instructed this weekend during conference.
Thanks for your sound advice while mixing in some humor, I'm grateful for it.
Hope your week starts off well.
Respectfully,
- The More Motivated "Coming Out of Retirement" Dater
Dear Motivated,
So clearly you have had a bad habit of ruling out women too early or that you maybe shouldn't have ruled out at all.
I think part of that is because you don't understand dating and part of it is because you've been doing it wrong altogether. (No offense.)
While dating certainly should lead to Eternal Companionship, and post marriage is one of the things we need to do to keep our marriages strong, it's clear that you're mentally jumping there way too soon.
That's okay. We can fix that.
And we're going to take advantage of your analytical gifts in doing so.
It's called Rifle Dating.
Take a look at all of the single women you know. It's best if you narrow it down to women who live close enough to date and that you could some day, perhaps in the very distant future, take to the Temple. (That means active in the Church in my book, and that's all.)
Friends. Sisters of friends. Friends of friends. Third cousins. Ward members. Friends of ward members. The girl that works at the grocery store.
All of them between ... let's say ... 19 and 35 with "extra consideration" given to those between 23 and 30.
And, using your analytical mind, pick the one that you think would be the most fun to date and that deserves the most to be taken out on some dates.
Whatever that means to you.
She's pretty. She's interesting. You really want to kiss her. She's just so quirky and weird you find her fascinating. She's a great person. You respect your mom and she told you to.
Whatever.
Give yourself one week to pick out this girl.
(And no, do not share your list or criteria with anyone.)
And ask her out.
Not for this weekend, but by this weekend for the following.
Have a fun plan and go into this date with exactly that purpose. You're not looking for the mother of your eternal children, you're having fun and getting to know someone better that you think is great and deserves to be taken out on dates by a Great Guy (that's you).
And then keep taking her out, at least once or twice a week, until there's some MAJOR reason not to.
I'll be specific.
1. You have confirmation during this time that she's been making out with someone else.
2. She says she doesn't want to date you anymore (which, by the way, you will only know because she tells you so - which means you may have to ask her).
3. You fall madly in love with someone else who feels the same way about you.
That's it. Only those three reasons.
Anything else you come up with is to be discarded as invalid. Because it is.
Sometimes, brother, we need to live a principle to gain a testimony of the principle.
And sometimes we lose that testimony or question our beliefs. That's pretty normal. Satan works on us. We have questions. We get discouraged.
But we need to endure. Sticking to what we know to be true from our past experience or prophetic guidance until our testimony is restored.
Date this girl because she deserves to go out and have some fun.
You have the money. You have the time. And you're a decent enough guy to ensure she has an enjoyable experience.
Plus, you know, the leadership of the Church says to.
And that's a pretty good reason.
When you're on your date focus on finding things about her you like. Deep. Superficial. All of the above.
When you talk to her look for things you have in common. Ask her about her. Make her feel cherished and special and attractive.
Be Sincere.
And Be Positive.
Onward Christian Soldier.
And let me know how it goes, would you please?
- Bro Jo
Monday, March 12, 2018
Getting Motivated to Date Again (part 1 of 3)
Dear Bro Jo,
I'm hoping you can shed some light into how I can get out of my current dating funk. I'm a 27 year old guy who is on the right path. I have a great job, am financially independent, and strong in my commitment to the Church. One area that I know I am currently weak in, is my desire to find a wife.
I would date somewhat frequently during college and never struggled to ask a girl out. Once I left the college scene unmarried, my struggle to date really began. I spent a few years in Colorado where I was able to date on on occasion and even tried out the online dating scene having some minor success. As of today, I've been on maybe one or two dates in the 12 months... Which of course is well under your prescribed 50 dates/year. My previous Bishop said to me one time while I was counseling with him that there was roughly 5% of the girls in the ward that he thought matched up with. I ended up trying with 3 girls out of the ~30 girls in my ward.
As of a few months ago, I'm back in the "mormon belt" (Idaho) and have really struggled to build up a desire to date. Honestly, I thought a change of scenery would help. From what I can see, I've grown more and more content with the single life which must mean I'm selfish despite my love to serve in my calling, in the temple, and in my home teaching. I have a feeling Satan has me right where he wants me. How do I build back up my desire to date? I've tried to study marriage in my personal study by reading the scriptures and counsel of church leaders, prayed for the desire, and counseled with many of my married friends. None of this has really seemed to help up to this point.
If you have any insight, I'd be eager to hear your perspective.
Sincerely,
- The Unmotivated "Former" Dater
Dear Unmotivated,
Look, to be candid with you I have no idea how an LDS man isn't so eager to finally have sex that he makes it to being unmarried and in his late 20's. Sister Jo is convinced that a lot of you are using porn and self-stimulation. Why get married, she says, if a guy thinks he can take care of all of that on his own?
Now, I'm not saying that's your deal. You've certainly not given any indication that it is. But if those things are a part of your life they could certainly be sapping your motivation, which is one of many reasons to stop.
Just had to get that out there so we can move past it. If appropriate.
You also need to know that there's nothing wrong with being 27 and still single . . . per se. For some marriage just isn't in the cards during the time when they home it will be. The Lord's timing, not ours, right?
But consider this: if the sex thing isn't enough motivation, perhaps you'll be motivated by the joy you're missing out on not having a family, a wife and children, of your own.
Sister Jo and I don't get along every moment of every day. (In fact she's pretty mad at me right now, I think. And no, I'm not really sure why. Fairly certain that I'll be apologizing later tonight, though.)
And we don't have the hots for each other all the time, either.
But I do love her.
I love spending time with her.
I love talking to her.
And I know that my life is undoubtedly better because of my relationship with her.
Marriage isn't easy. It's a lot of work!
But every trial, every decision, every illness, every frustration, every challenge, every new home, new job, new day, is easier because Sister Jo is in my life.
And my life can be pretty stressful from time to time.
I've got a lot going on. Lots of pressure. Lots of expectations.
And lots of things that can distract me from the things that are really important.
Is every day dancing trees and singing flowers?
Not even close.
Despite the joy of this moment, stresses still come.
Tomorrow will be a tough day. Lots to do at work, and lot's expected of me.
But at 8 am I will walk my youngest daughter to school. We will hold hands and talk about little kid things and maybe even sing a Disney song or two.
In that moment I will be reminded of the things that are truly and eternally important.
Family.
And the relationships we form here.
Every year you aren't married those blessings are denied you.
If you're not married because it just hasn't worked out, that's one thing.
But if you're not married because of selfishness, because you have failed to see how wonderful some of the women around you are . . . well that's just sad.
Sister Jo and I got married pretty young. That was difficult. But even then I find myself from time to time wishing I'd married her a year or so earlier.
And you may find yourself having similar thoughts one day. You may find yourself lamenting the lost years and the postponed blessings because you failed to act, because you failed to take advantage of the opportunities and blessings the Lord has for you.
Date because it's fun.
Date because it's good to get to know people better.
Date because Good Sisters deserve to be taken out once in a while by a Good Guy such as yourself.
Date because Good Girls won't let you kiss them until you've taken them out a few times and kissing is awesome!
Enjoy the anticipation, the discovery, the thrill!
Just before I started dating Sister Jo I discovered that if you waited to kiss the girl you took out it could be really fun.
Don't kiss her on the first date and she thinks you're a gentleman.
Don't kiss her on the second date and she thinks you are really interested in her as a person.
By the third date she's thinking "I really hope this guy kisses me!"
It's pretty awesome!
(Okay. I should confess that I tried that successfully with just a couple girls and had every intention of trying that with the future Sister Jo but on the first date she was just so gosh darned cute I couldn't help kissing her. Oh well! Worked out well for me!)
I understand that dating hasn't worked out for you yet, but give your despair and apathy back to Lucifer and Go Have Some Fun!
- Bro Jo
I'm hoping you can shed some light into how I can get out of my current dating funk. I'm a 27 year old guy who is on the right path. I have a great job, am financially independent, and strong in my commitment to the Church. One area that I know I am currently weak in, is my desire to find a wife.
I would date somewhat frequently during college and never struggled to ask a girl out. Once I left the college scene unmarried, my struggle to date really began. I spent a few years in Colorado where I was able to date on on occasion and even tried out the online dating scene having some minor success. As of today, I've been on maybe one or two dates in the 12 months... Which of course is well under your prescribed 50 dates/year. My previous Bishop said to me one time while I was counseling with him that there was roughly 5% of the girls in the ward that he thought matched up with. I ended up trying with 3 girls out of the ~30 girls in my ward.
As of a few months ago, I'm back in the "mormon belt" (Idaho) and have really struggled to build up a desire to date. Honestly, I thought a change of scenery would help. From what I can see, I've grown more and more content with the single life which must mean I'm selfish despite my love to serve in my calling, in the temple, and in my home teaching. I have a feeling Satan has me right where he wants me. How do I build back up my desire to date? I've tried to study marriage in my personal study by reading the scriptures and counsel of church leaders, prayed for the desire, and counseled with many of my married friends. None of this has really seemed to help up to this point.
If you have any insight, I'd be eager to hear your perspective.
Sincerely,
- The Unmotivated "Former" Dater
Dear Unmotivated,
Look, to be candid with you I have no idea how an LDS man isn't so eager to finally have sex that he makes it to being unmarried and in his late 20's. Sister Jo is convinced that a lot of you are using porn and self-stimulation. Why get married, she says, if a guy thinks he can take care of all of that on his own?
Now, I'm not saying that's your deal. You've certainly not given any indication that it is. But if those things are a part of your life they could certainly be sapping your motivation, which is one of many reasons to stop.
Just had to get that out there so we can move past it. If appropriate.
You also need to know that there's nothing wrong with being 27 and still single . . . per se. For some marriage just isn't in the cards during the time when they home it will be. The Lord's timing, not ours, right?
But consider this: if the sex thing isn't enough motivation, perhaps you'll be motivated by the joy you're missing out on not having a family, a wife and children, of your own.
Sister Jo and I don't get along every moment of every day. (In fact she's pretty mad at me right now, I think. And no, I'm not really sure why. Fairly certain that I'll be apologizing later tonight, though.)
And we don't have the hots for each other all the time, either.
But I do love her.
I love spending time with her.
I love talking to her.
And I know that my life is undoubtedly better because of my relationship with her.
Marriage isn't easy. It's a lot of work!
But every trial, every decision, every illness, every frustration, every challenge, every new home, new job, new day, is easier because Sister Jo is in my life.
And my life can be pretty stressful from time to time.
I've got a lot going on. Lots of pressure. Lots of expectations.
And lots of things that can distract me from the things that are really important.
Is every day dancing trees and singing flowers?
Not even close.
Despite the joy of this moment, stresses still come.
Tomorrow will be a tough day. Lots to do at work, and lot's expected of me.
But at 8 am I will walk my youngest daughter to school. We will hold hands and talk about little kid things and maybe even sing a Disney song or two.
In that moment I will be reminded of the things that are truly and eternally important.
Family.
And the relationships we form here.
Every year you aren't married those blessings are denied you.
If you're not married because it just hasn't worked out, that's one thing.
But if you're not married because of selfishness, because you have failed to see how wonderful some of the women around you are . . . well that's just sad.
Sister Jo and I got married pretty young. That was difficult. But even then I find myself from time to time wishing I'd married her a year or so earlier.
And you may find yourself having similar thoughts one day. You may find yourself lamenting the lost years and the postponed blessings because you failed to act, because you failed to take advantage of the opportunities and blessings the Lord has for you.
Date because it's fun.
Date because it's good to get to know people better.
Date because Good Sisters deserve to be taken out once in a while by a Good Guy such as yourself.
Date because Good Girls won't let you kiss them until you've taken them out a few times and kissing is awesome!
Enjoy the anticipation, the discovery, the thrill!
Just before I started dating Sister Jo I discovered that if you waited to kiss the girl you took out it could be really fun.
Don't kiss her on the first date and she thinks you're a gentleman.
Don't kiss her on the second date and she thinks you are really interested in her as a person.
By the third date she's thinking "I really hope this guy kisses me!"
It's pretty awesome!
(Okay. I should confess that I tried that successfully with just a couple girls and had every intention of trying that with the future Sister Jo but on the first date she was just so gosh darned cute I couldn't help kissing her. Oh well! Worked out well for me!)
I understand that dating hasn't worked out for you yet, but give your despair and apathy back to Lucifer and Go Have Some Fun!
- Bro Jo
Friday, March 9, 2018
Is it Time for a DTR? (part 3 of 3)
Dear Bro Jo,
You truly are an inspiring man!
That all makes sense now, and knowing now that those little things are not only appropriate but recommended is even more helpful.
And it worked!
Update: today was successful!
I think we both are on the same page now, which is the confirmation I needed. And I feel the need to thank you again for all you do.
The clueless daters in the world, like me, are so grateful!
THANKS!
- Star
Dear Star,
You just brightened my day!
I don't know that I deserve those kind words, but thank you.
Cheers,
- Bro Jo
You truly are an inspiring man!
That all makes sense now, and knowing now that those little things are not only appropriate but recommended is even more helpful.
And it worked!
Update: today was successful!
I think we both are on the same page now, which is the confirmation I needed. And I feel the need to thank you again for all you do.
The clueless daters in the world, like me, are so grateful!
THANKS!
- Star
Dear Star,
You just brightened my day!
I don't know that I deserve those kind words, but thank you.
Cheers,
- Bro Jo
Wednesday, March 7, 2018
Is it Time for a DTR? (part 2 of 3)
Dear Bro Jo,
Thanks for the quick response! Your guidance is so helpful!
One more thing... How might I show him that I am interested, in ways both verbal and non-verbal? I wouldn't say I'm bad at flirting but I don't exactly know how I can tell him I think of him as more than a friend.
I have even asked some of my girl friends and roommates how they think I could give an unmistakable green light (because guys usually don't get hints) and we are all stumped.
What should I do?
- Star
Dear Star,
Have you kissed him?
That's usually a dead give-away.
And I strongly recommend it.
If you're too shy, then do things like taking his arm when you walk places. Look in his eyes when you're talking. Invade his personal space. Touch his arm, shoulder, knee when you're saying something to him.
Even the densest of RM's will clue in.
As for the verbal stuff . . . I find that nothing works better than talking.
Does that help?
- Bro Jo
Thanks for the quick response! Your guidance is so helpful!
One more thing... How might I show him that I am interested, in ways both verbal and non-verbal? I wouldn't say I'm bad at flirting but I don't exactly know how I can tell him I think of him as more than a friend.
I have even asked some of my girl friends and roommates how they think I could give an unmistakable green light (because guys usually don't get hints) and we are all stumped.
What should I do?
- Star
Dear Star,
Have you kissed him?
That's usually a dead give-away.
And I strongly recommend it.
If you're too shy, then do things like taking his arm when you walk places. Look in his eyes when you're talking. Invade his personal space. Touch his arm, shoulder, knee when you're saying something to him.
Even the densest of RM's will clue in.
As for the verbal stuff . . . I find that nothing works better than talking.
Does that help?
- Bro Jo
Monday, March 5, 2018
Is it Time for a DTR? (part 1 of 3)
Dear Bro Jo,
Hey there Bro Jo!
I have a question for you that I hope you can help me with.
I'll keep it simple.
I just started my first semester at BYU and recently I have been dating an RM that I met over the summer. He's musically talented, and our skills are pretty compatible to each other (he's on the cello, I'm on the piano, Piano Guys style!) and we performed a few musical numbers together in our YSA ward and got to know each other pretty well in a really good casual setting. Right now I would say it's nothing serious, in fact on our first date I expressed my concern that so many young adults just go out and get married without really dating around. But he's asked me on a few dates since. And as we both spend more time together, I feel like I have fallen hard. I mean, he's such a great guy. I kid you not, he is literally the best guy I have ever had the privilege of meeting.
In fact, I honestly wouldn't mind if we took our relationship to the next level... and I think he might have the same feelings. But maybe I have confused him because of the comment that I made on our first date? Do you think he's having reservations because he's 4 years older than me? I wouldn't say that age means a whole lot to me, but, alas, I can't read his mind. I really really want to "upgrade" our relationship to the level where I can call him my main squeeze, you know? We haven't really kissed or held hands or anything but I feel like that could happen any day. I don't think either of us want to rush into things that we want to last for eternity but if my senses are right, both of us are seriously interested. But maybe we just don't know how to express our feelings for each other??
Soooo, I think eventually we might need to have a DTR talk, as dreadful as that sounds.
How does one "define the relationship"? Maybe you can give an example walk-through conversation? A list of do's and don'ts? I have read up on most of your other lists (which I love) but I haven't found one that quite fits this situation. Obviously I would wait until I feel it is right to have this conversation, but I would really hate to like... mess it up. Or say the wrong thing.
I have never done this before because I am fairly new to the serious dating world, and I would guess that I am not the only one who would benefit from this kind of advice.
You're seriously the best, Bro Jo. Thanks for everything.
Sincerely,
- Star-crossed
Dear Star,
Thank you for the email.
The one list you may have missed is "Bro Jo's Levels of a Relationship".
You can find it HERE.
DTR's are an interesting thing. You know Sister Jo and I never really had one?
Well not in the beginning anyway.
See, we knew we were in a relationship that was exclusive and going somewhere because we were spending all of our available time together and that time consisted of a lot of kissing and hand holding.
For the record, I think many of us have made the mistake of proclaiming what we think we want at the wrong time.
Quick story.
I had gotten in the habit of doing my homework in the Library during lunch. One day there was this stunning girl sitting all by herself. I sat down at her table and struck up a conversation. She was amazing! We laughed, bonded . . . it was going great! I was just about to ask for her phone number and then somewhere I got the stupid idea that because she was in the Library she probably hated cheerleaders (as do many jealous girls in High School) so I said something derogatory, thinking that she'd really think I was great. Problem was . . . you guessed it . . . she was on cheer. That one ignorant and snarky comment killed the conversation and ruined my chances.
Look around your college. It's full of people (mostly women fall into this category, I'm afraid) who miss amazing Eternal Companion opportunities because they announce (and exemplify by action) that they're not ready for anything that might one day lead to an Eternal Marriage.
Huge mistake.
But in your case, not something that can't be overcome. After all, he IS still dating you, isn't he?
If you feel the need to take back what you said, to let him know you may no longer hold that opinion, then do.
Trust the Spirit. You'll be fine.
And ENJOY this time!
Young relationships can be a lot of fun.
Thanks for the kind words,
- Bro Jo
Hey there Bro Jo!
I have a question for you that I hope you can help me with.
I'll keep it simple.
I just started my first semester at BYU and recently I have been dating an RM that I met over the summer. He's musically talented, and our skills are pretty compatible to each other (he's on the cello, I'm on the piano, Piano Guys style!) and we performed a few musical numbers together in our YSA ward and got to know each other pretty well in a really good casual setting. Right now I would say it's nothing serious, in fact on our first date I expressed my concern that so many young adults just go out and get married without really dating around. But he's asked me on a few dates since. And as we both spend more time together, I feel like I have fallen hard. I mean, he's such a great guy. I kid you not, he is literally the best guy I have ever had the privilege of meeting.
In fact, I honestly wouldn't mind if we took our relationship to the next level... and I think he might have the same feelings. But maybe I have confused him because of the comment that I made on our first date? Do you think he's having reservations because he's 4 years older than me? I wouldn't say that age means a whole lot to me, but, alas, I can't read his mind. I really really want to "upgrade" our relationship to the level where I can call him my main squeeze, you know? We haven't really kissed or held hands or anything but I feel like that could happen any day. I don't think either of us want to rush into things that we want to last for eternity but if my senses are right, both of us are seriously interested. But maybe we just don't know how to express our feelings for each other??
Soooo, I think eventually we might need to have a DTR talk, as dreadful as that sounds.
How does one "define the relationship"? Maybe you can give an example walk-through conversation? A list of do's and don'ts? I have read up on most of your other lists (which I love) but I haven't found one that quite fits this situation. Obviously I would wait until I feel it is right to have this conversation, but I would really hate to like... mess it up. Or say the wrong thing.
I have never done this before because I am fairly new to the serious dating world, and I would guess that I am not the only one who would benefit from this kind of advice.
You're seriously the best, Bro Jo. Thanks for everything.
Sincerely,
- Star-crossed
Dear Star,
Thank you for the email.
The one list you may have missed is "Bro Jo's Levels of a Relationship".
You can find it HERE.
DTR's are an interesting thing. You know Sister Jo and I never really had one?
Well not in the beginning anyway.
See, we knew we were in a relationship that was exclusive and going somewhere because we were spending all of our available time together and that time consisted of a lot of kissing and hand holding.
For the record, I think many of us have made the mistake of proclaiming what we think we want at the wrong time.
Quick story.
I had gotten in the habit of doing my homework in the Library during lunch. One day there was this stunning girl sitting all by herself. I sat down at her table and struck up a conversation. She was amazing! We laughed, bonded . . . it was going great! I was just about to ask for her phone number and then somewhere I got the stupid idea that because she was in the Library she probably hated cheerleaders (as do many jealous girls in High School) so I said something derogatory, thinking that she'd really think I was great. Problem was . . . you guessed it . . . she was on cheer. That one ignorant and snarky comment killed the conversation and ruined my chances.
Look around your college. It's full of people (mostly women fall into this category, I'm afraid) who miss amazing Eternal Companion opportunities because they announce (and exemplify by action) that they're not ready for anything that might one day lead to an Eternal Marriage.
Huge mistake.
But in your case, not something that can't be overcome. After all, he IS still dating you, isn't he?
If you feel the need to take back what you said, to let him know you may no longer hold that opinion, then do.
Trust the Spirit. You'll be fine.
And ENJOY this time!
Young relationships can be a lot of fun.
Thanks for the kind words,
- Bro Jo
Friday, March 2, 2018
Can Snarkiness Get You a Boyfriend?
Dear Bro Jo,
Hi. I live with 5 other girls at a religious university. As part of our religious culture, one girl apartment gets paired up with one boy apartment to meet once a week.
Yeah, we both know where this is going.
I'm going to call him "Seth".
When Seth and I met, we hit it off immediately. We have a few interests in common. We talked a lot, mainly only to each other.
Seth and I aren't very nice to each other. Actually, we are downright awful. I tease him and he teases me. It's a nice arrangement.
Naturally, my roommates hopped on the "OMG HE LIKES YOU EEEEEEE" train. Unfortunately, I was on the "Wow what a nice friend he doesn't like me" train. Our trains are going completely different directions. Mine is going to Cincinnati and theirs is going to like Jupiter or something.
Sunday, our apartments met for a Sunday dinner. Seth and I bickered like usual. I ended up getting his number and he and I ended up texting the rest of the evening. He persuaded me to go Tunnel Singing (a strange, weekly tradition at my university. We stand in a tunnel, reach into our deepest, cultish selves, and sing hymns for an hour) that night. My roommate joined me so I wouldn't be alone. Seth found us and pulled us over to his group. While we were singing, Seth and I didn't make any physical contact, or whatever. I occasionally bumped into him to see the hymnbook better, but I wouldn't stay there. After tunnel singing, Seth told me to bring the rest of my roommates with me next time.
The next day, Seth and I were texting again. He kept asking me what my roommates think of him.
So that's the story. A real thriller, I know (perhaps it will be made into a movie.... Jennifer Lawrence would play me and Matt Bomer would play Seth). I think that Seth and I are just friends. I even think that he has a crush on one of my roommates and is using me to get to her. My roommates think he likes me.
Help.
Love,
- I Just Like Fighting With Him
Dear Fighting,
And your question is . . . ???
Does he like you?
Probably.
Does he like one of your roommates?
Maybe.
If you like him and want to date him and kiss him should you stop the elementary-school playground garbage and start speaking to him with kindness?
Absolutely.
Look, sarcasm can only go so far. You're both putting up a wall because you lack the maturity to be vulnerable.
Love is a risk. A risk worth taking.
If this is ever going to go somewhere you're going to have to find moments where you allow you something deeper and richer than snarkiness.
Often potential relationships never happen at all because snarkiness and sarcasm, frankly, aren't endearing; they're immature and annoying.
Consider this: can a relationship of substance ever be built between two people who mock each other for fun?
Sure, teasing can be part of the fun, but at some point we have to grow beyond that if we want something more than a kindergarten sandbox type relationship.
- Bro Jo
Hi. I live with 5 other girls at a religious university. As part of our religious culture, one girl apartment gets paired up with one boy apartment to meet once a week.
Yeah, we both know where this is going.
I'm going to call him "Seth".
When Seth and I met, we hit it off immediately. We have a few interests in common. We talked a lot, mainly only to each other.
Seth and I aren't very nice to each other. Actually, we are downright awful. I tease him and he teases me. It's a nice arrangement.
Naturally, my roommates hopped on the "OMG HE LIKES YOU EEEEEEE" train. Unfortunately, I was on the "Wow what a nice friend he doesn't like me" train. Our trains are going completely different directions. Mine is going to Cincinnati and theirs is going to like Jupiter or something.
Sunday, our apartments met for a Sunday dinner. Seth and I bickered like usual. I ended up getting his number and he and I ended up texting the rest of the evening. He persuaded me to go Tunnel Singing (a strange, weekly tradition at my university. We stand in a tunnel, reach into our deepest, cultish selves, and sing hymns for an hour) that night. My roommate joined me so I wouldn't be alone. Seth found us and pulled us over to his group. While we were singing, Seth and I didn't make any physical contact, or whatever. I occasionally bumped into him to see the hymnbook better, but I wouldn't stay there. After tunnel singing, Seth told me to bring the rest of my roommates with me next time.
The next day, Seth and I were texting again. He kept asking me what my roommates think of him.
So that's the story. A real thriller, I know (perhaps it will be made into a movie.... Jennifer Lawrence would play me and Matt Bomer would play Seth). I think that Seth and I are just friends. I even think that he has a crush on one of my roommates and is using me to get to her. My roommates think he likes me.
Help.
Love,
- I Just Like Fighting With Him
Dear Fighting,
And your question is . . . ???
Does he like you?
Probably.
Does he like one of your roommates?
Maybe.
If you like him and want to date him and kiss him should you stop the elementary-school playground garbage and start speaking to him with kindness?
Absolutely.
Look, sarcasm can only go so far. You're both putting up a wall because you lack the maturity to be vulnerable.
Love is a risk. A risk worth taking.
If this is ever going to go somewhere you're going to have to find moments where you allow you something deeper and richer than snarkiness.
Often potential relationships never happen at all because snarkiness and sarcasm, frankly, aren't endearing; they're immature and annoying.
Consider this: can a relationship of substance ever be built between two people who mock each other for fun?
Sure, teasing can be part of the fun, but at some point we have to grow beyond that if we want something more than a kindergarten sandbox type relationship.
- Bro Jo
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