Bro Jo,
I've written you a few times in the past and I've always appreciated your advice. It's been helpful and usually spot-on. I just have a question that I hope you'll be able to answer in time. I understand that your inbox gets flooded a lot though, so no pressure :)
Okay, so question in a nutshell. And I do apologize for dumping stuff on you, but I haven't been able to share my concerns with anyone else since there are sensitive details that people that know her shouldn't really know. So I'm going to you anonymously as an outside source kind of deal. I hope that's okay.
I'm still dating the girl I mentioned in my last email, we've been dating long-distance since January and things are going well. You might also remember that this is my first relationship since my failed engagement last year, so I'm nervous about things still. Well, I guess we're at that point where we start deciding if things are going to get serious or not and I guess I'm a bit conflicted.
She is a lovely girl. She's like the other half of me in a lot of ways.
We're super similar personality wise and experience wise, and we match really well in so many ways.
The problem I'm finding is that I'm getting a little bit less attracted to her of late.
We both finished work at (Location Withheld) during the winter holiday season, and I came to school and she went home to work for a while before transferring from (School Name Withheld) to wherever she's going next.
So here we are, 6 months later, and she hasn't found a job yet.
She babysits once or twice a week for people in her ward, but that's about it.
She's 22 years old, hasn't decided where to go to school from here, hasn't gotten a job, and just kind of bums around at home. She's done good before, she went to school and went to work where we met, but now she's just...stuck.
It's kind of not very attractive.
She has recently gone out to get applications and things, but I'm concerned that this might just be who she is. She's never gotten her driver's license, and she also spent two years after high school sitting at home getting into trouble and things.
She's repented of her past and definitely moved on, but I'm worried that she's just one of those floater types. I hear all the time "how come my parents keep harassing me about gaining a little weight or about not getting a job? Can't they recognize that I'm making efforts and that I'm trying?"
Which in my experience is the mantra of a person who can't get their crap together and feels guilty but is trying to make themselves feel better. I've said it, my siblings have all said it, and we were all in the wrong when we did. It's not my job to push her, only to encourage her, but I just do not know if I want to marry someone who is, frankly, a bit lazy and kind of a failure to launch.
But the catch is that I'm kind of basically in love with her and I don't know what to choose.
It's a tough spot, man.
So I'd be content to wait around and see if she follows through on her recent burst of energy and motivation and gets a job and gets crap figured out, but this weekend she wants to make a huge step that I'm not sure if I'm ready for...
So this is the sensitive part.
When she was just out of high school she made a mistake and long story short, she had a kid and gave it up for adoption through LDS family services. T
he interesting part is that the family has kept the adoption open and stays in regular contact with her.
They live a few hours south, and this weekend they're having a birthday party for the baby (she's 2 now), and my girlfriend invited me along.
Literally no one in her life except for her family and 2 of her best friends and myself know about this.
She kept it from literally everyone. She told me a while ago, and now she wants to let me meet the baby and the family.
I would be totally okay with this...if I was sure that I wanted this to last. Can I really go through with it and then, if she keeps up with this whole not getting anywhere in life stuff, break up with her? I'm pretty sure that would be the most devastating thing ever for her, to finally trust someone enough to let them in totally and then have him walk away. I don't want to be that guy.
Honestly Bro Jo, I just don't know where to go from here and I'm not sure how to react to this whole thing. It's a scary, frustrating situation and I don't want to screw things up, and mostly I just don't want to destroy her heart.
She's a really really sweet girl and she wants to be so many things, she's just really really hesitant about stuff and has a hard time making big decisions. She's scared of failure, because she's definitely seen making the wrong choices backfire.
Anyway, enough novel here. Do you have any insights or recommendations for me? Anything you can offer would be amazing!
Thanks, have a great weekend!
- Do I Have To Do A Clever Name?
Dear Clever,
Loving someone, in my book, means taking the good with the bad.
I think because you were hurt so badly before, you're (understandably) afraid of being hurt again. And I think that's leading you to think things are more complicated than they are.
So you go with her to meet the child and adoptive parents. So what?
She's clearly asked you because she trusts you to be her friend during this very scary experience.
You get to take a three-hour (each way) road trip with the woman you love . . .
I'm sorry . . . but I just don't see a negative or risk there.
In fact, I'll argue that this time together is exactly what you need to find out whether or not you're truly ready to take the next step.
During this trip you should do more listening than talking, but I suspect you'll have the opportunity to bring up your concerns about things like her not working and any other concerns you have. If you do so in a loving "help me to understand" non-accusatory way you might really make your relationship stronger.
Now I'm not a big supporter of Open Adoptions, and I don't think it's good for anyone, especially the child, to have the birth-mother show up . . . at all . . . but that's not the point (and not something I think you should tell her, by the way).
You love her. And she loves you.
Be Supportive.
Instead of looking for ways out of this relationship, look for ways to build it.
Be a go-with guy.
- Bro Jo
No comments:
Post a Comment