Peek-a-boo

Dear Bro Jo,

There's this girl at work, she's very sweet and very pretty. She goes to one of the other student wards here at school. At work she wears stuff that's not necessarily inappropriate, but she's always bending down and stuff. I can't stop looking down her shirt. She wears low-ride pants too. I like her and want to ask her out, but I feel guilty for checking her out. Other guys here have noticed and they say stuff. I don't like what they say or how they look at her, but I'm looking too. I want to tell her, but then I don't want to tell her, and I'm afraid she'll think I'm a bad guy.

- Can't Stop Looking


Dear Can't,

First of all, it's not that you "can't", it's that you "won't". Right? It's not like you're hiding in a closet every time she comes by. I understand. I've meet with more than one woman where I've had to hold a piece of paper up while I talked to her.

No one expects you to go to an art museum and not notice the sculptures . . .

Secondly, it's OK that you like to look at girls. If it didn't come so naturally, I'd recommend it. Noticing is one thing; gawking is another.

Those feelings and drives are what we call "the natural man", and you may be beginning to understand why he's an enemy to God - not feeling too Holy when you're looking, are you? (Happy, maybe; but Holy? No.)

While it's good to be physically attracted to women, it's not good to use their immodesty for your gratification. You've got to tell her because you need to be able to respect her, and if you care about her in any way you'll want her to be respected by the other guys as well. It's going to be difficult, but if you don't tell her, you're going to have to avoid her, leaving her to associate only with guys who are less quality than you are; and what's that going to get her?

Ask her to have a private conversation. Here's what you say:

"This is difficult and a little embarrassing for me to say, but I want you to know how important it is for me to respect you. I think you're a good person. You often wear clothing at work that encourages guys to look at you in ways that are, well, not professional."

If she doesn't get it, be blunt:

"When you bend over in front of us we can see down your top, and the pants you wear often show us your underwear".

Be honest, but not judgemental or demeaning, and don't add any comments or commentary. We often talk too much, especially when we're embarrassed.

She may be grateful. She may be embarrassed. If she's neither, get the heck out of there!

I don't know why some girls reveal so much. Maybe it's fashionable. Maybe they're clueless. (Sisters, never wear any outfit if you haven't done the "bend-stretch-twist" test in front of a mirror - ask a friend or family member for help if you can't see all the angles)

Some women never get it (I've had to change seats at more than one sporting event because some lady in front of my family "wanted" to show us her thong - the evil side of me wants to carry a roll of pennies to these events to see how many coins can be tossed in before these gals clue in) and some are doing it fully aware and they like the negative attention.

Girls, every guy over ten-years-old that you pass will look at you. Get over it, that's just the way we're wired. Do you want us to think you're slutty or sweet? You'll have much more control over that than we will, and even though you may think it would be fun to be thought of as "sexy" once in a while, know this: no man will ever love you if he doesn't respect you, and no one will respect you if you don't respect yourself.

As for dating this girl, have the conversation first, then wait a couple days. IF the conversation goes well, and her attire adjusts, and she respects you for respecting her, by all means ask her out! By talking and waiting first, then both of you can be assured that you're asking her out because you like her AS A PERSON; yes, she's attractive, but you're not just asking her out to get more peeks at her cleavage.

If she doesn't change (or won't), or whenever you're in this position again (and unless you join a monastery, you will be) master the discipline of looking someone in the eyes when you speak. It's a very valuable skill.

- Bro Jo