When Flirting Becomes Abusive

Dear Bro Jo,

There's this guy at my school that I'm sort of friends with. We joke around, shove each other, and tease just like siblings.

Sometimes, anything and everything I say offends him, because he's colored and I'm white. The other day, after I had grabbed his hood to slow him down, he pushed me down so roughly, that I fell and scraped/bruised my knee on the football field during PE.

Later that day, my friend looked up the n word on her phone because I had commented on how I had heard that it meant 'black' or 'stupid.' 'I turned out to be wrong, and I said "Oh, well, I thought it meant 'stupid' or black.'" The guy was there and he said "Of which you're neither!" in an insulting way.

Me and my friend started laughing, because he'd just called me smart and white. He grabbed my backpack and threw it in the trash. He'd done it before, and my knee still hurts, even now, so I retrieved my bag and shoved the trash can on his head.

I know we are both at fault, I'm not saying I'm innocent, but should I stay away from him? My councilor and my mom say that I should, and I've prayed, but I really want to help him out. What should I do? confused but wanting to help

- Confused but Wanting to Help


Dear Wanting to Help,

Um . . . first of all . . . "tease just like siblings"? Yeah, I don't think so! We call that "flirting". Not very sophisticated flirting, but that's what it is.

The pushing is just an excuse to touch each other.

The problem is that your flirting has taken on an aggressive edge (you're getting hurt) and the "teasing" has escalated to bullying (your back pack being put in the trash). We get shy and don't know how to communicate how we feel, so we act out in inappropriate ways.

I don't think the solution is to cut off all communication. If this boy is typical, and I think he is, he'll be hurt and confused, and probably respond by being more aggressive. What the two of you need to do is TALK.

You're probably going to have to make the first move. Invite him to talk to you one on one. In that conversation tell him how you feel. The trick is to not be judgemental or confrontational. Don't use accusing language like "you do this" or "you said this", instead say "when my backpack was put in the trash I felt annoyed" or "when I'm accused of being racist it hurts my feelings because I think I ignore skin color".

If you choose words that depersonalize a situation, being less accusatory, you remove the defensiveness that can keep real communication from happening.

Once you begin real communication, especially if you both LISTEN, and are open to accepting responsibility for changing your behavior, then you'll find that choosing to feel offended will stop.

It is possible that this boy is not ready for a mature conversation. There's nothing you can do about that. If you make an honest effort to communicate your feelings about his behavior and he's unwilling to talk, or more likely, unwilling to listen, then it's time to move on.

If he continues the negative attention, don't get caught up in retaliation, that will only escalate the situation. Rise above it. If you can show that his negative behavior doesn't get your attention, he'll likely stop. If he doesn't, and it increasingly takes an annoying or violent tone, you must go to a school authority. Keep your parents in the loop, and if you know his parents, talk to them and ask for help.

What can start out as relatively harmless can escalate to dangerous if communication doesn't happen, first with him, then with others if necessary.

- Bro Jo