Fence Sitter - Letter 4 - Now What?

Letter 4

Dear Bro Jo,

I'm guessing you pray about what to say, because what you said really hit me hard. I've told a couple friends about my problem, and none of them got even close to the truth like you did.
As for why he's fat, he's told me he doesn't like to exercise (which a lot of people don't) and I know he doesn't really watch what he eats. He knows it would be good for him to lose a couple pounds, but he says he's fine with the way he is.

I don't know how I'd feel if he lost weight. I think some people (me included) define a cute person by the look of their face. So if he lost enough weight for it to affect how his face looks, I still throw my hands up in the air, because I don't know how he'd look. And I have no clue as to how to encourage him to slim down without offending him.

Talking about this more and more with you makes me think that I'm too judgemental for this guy anyways.

I would like to hope that after I'm married, I won't be as concerned about looks like I am now. That I'll be more accepting and supportive.

I hope.

Maybe I'm being unrealistic.

And you've identified my real problem, as much as I tried to hide it, that I'm worried about what others will think. Is there a way to get over my insecurities and superficiality?

Thank you so much for your advice! It helped a lot.

- Sitter

Dear Sitter,

I do pray . . . a lot.

You're a wise young woman to recognize some of the things you have, like him being happy with his shape and realizing that the two of you aren't a good (no pun intended) fit.

Your original question was about how to preserve his feelings and not lead him on any further.

Be kind, but clear.

When we men set our sites on a woman, our I.Q. points dissipate like Koolaid in a lake. You have to tell him exactly what you mean.

If we ask a girl out and she doesn't want to go, if she says she's not available, we hear "but if you keep asking incessantly I may change my mind".

The hard reality is that the two of you can never be friends. He'll always want it to be something more. Even after you're married to someone else. Every fight with your husband will give him a glimmer of hope that you might change your mind.

And, let's face it: no guy is going to be happy with his wife paling around with her ex-boyfriend.

So be nice, but firm. "You're a nice guy, and I'm sure you'll make someone a wonderful husband, but I know I'm not that someone".

You may indeed be a tad unrealistic.

I'm compelled to mention the adage "Women marry men hoping to change them, and men marry women hoping they'll never change. Both are fantastically wrong".

Ultimately I think it may just be that you've yet to fall In Love. When you do you won't care if he has oozing pustules (OK, perhaps you will, but you get my point, right?)

To get over your own insecurities is to gain a testimony of our Divine Nature and Individual Worth. Look: we all have moments of insecurity (even someone as undeniably awesome as myself), and that, with the humility that it brings, is not always a bad thing, but never for get that you are a Daughter of Our Heavenly Father, who Loves us.

Then begin to recognize the Divine Nature of others. Realize that everyone has gifts and talents and worth and ability. Seek it out. Seek out those gifts in others.

And yours too.

Lastly, and this is for everyone, being "fine" with destructive behavior (and if this guy is fat to the point of morbid obesity, that's destructive), is a Bad Sign. No different than anorexia, overeating, like any unhealthy, addictive behavior, can destroy lives and relationships.

Keep dating. Keep repenting and improving.

And never give up.

Never surrender.

Always a pleasure,

- Bro Jo