Well, I have 2 questions for kind of two topics I’ve been thinking about.
For starters, I was reading 'The Art of Conversation' , [Readers see the original post HERE] and it got me thinking. I read the note you have with the list of stuff to talk about when dancing, but every time this guy asks me to dance, the biggest conversation we really have is him asking how the dance is and my reply, but last week there was another dance and we were actually talking more, but still not a Ton. We both already know each other pretty well, so thinking of questions about each other isn't so easy because we often already know the answer. So, 1) how can we hold a good conversation without trying to ask something we both already know the answer to?
Then to my 2nd question. I've liked this guy for a long time, and sooo much more than I’ve ever liked anyone else. At the last dance he asked me to dance, and when the dance was over I was totally overcome by so many mixed emotions, and I wasn't even in the mood to dance anymore, and at a dance that is definitely not like me. I didn't dance with anyone else until my guy friend (I know, I know, guys and girls can't be friends) eventually convinced me to dance with him after failing at convincing me to dance with anyone else.
He’s pretty close friends with me and the guy I like, and while we were dancing he was asking me what was wrong, so we were talking about it. He says I should just get over him, and that he (guy friend) would be there for me either way. I've been thinking the same thing for weeks, if not months now, but it is so much easier said than done.
So question 2) how can you get over someone you've liked for so long? I’ve been trying to forever it seems but whenever I feel like I’m getting close, he does something to make me fall 'head over heels, madly-in-like' all over again. It's like a cycle that just goes on and on again. Any advice would be great!!
Thanks,
A Little Too Not Over You
(couldn't resist, its David Archuleta haha)
Dear Over,
(Far be it for me to not appreciate a song quote)
Your first question is intriguing because the answer bridges the gap from “Casual Dating Teenager” to “Ready to be Married Young Single Adult”. (No, I’m not saying that you’re ready to get married; what I’m saying is that you’re realizing something Very Mature and Important.)
Most relationships we have in this life are really quite superficial, and by that I don’t mean that they’re based solely on looks, but rather that they’re just not that deep or intimate. You know lots of kids at school; you have dozens of Facebook Friends; you get along with many of the people at work, but so very few of them are Close, Sincere, True and Deep relationships. Even those of use that wear their hearts on their sleeves, you know the kind, that reveal far too much of their personal lives to those whom they hardly know – even those people have few Real and True Friends.
Which is not to say that they’re not good people, nor are they surrounded by not good people, it’s just that Lasting Friendships require us to go deeper than the typical Dance Floor conversation.
Case in point: my wife and I have known each other for nearly 20 years, we talk every day, and we still long to talk to each other. I already know the answers to the basics (favorite color, favorite food, favorite type of music), now we talk about much deeper things: sociology, politics, new experiences, old memories, actions, reactions and opinions.
I don’t know that asking a boy you’re simply dancing with at a youth dance what his opinion is of the latest legislative decision is a good idea, but you can stretch The Art of Conversation to the Next Level.
Ask his opinions about things you have in common. Delve deeper into the things you already know.
Why is Red his Favorite Color?
Why does he want to go to Boise State instead of the University of Utah?
How did he feel about the recent movie he saw? What about it affected him the most?
It’s OK to mature up your conversations a little.
What does he think the Real Message of “All Quiet on the Western Front” is?
What would he do if they tripled the Participation Fee for High School Athletics?
When was the last time he felt the Spirit, and what lead him to that?
Sure, these aren’t “hey, we’ve never met, but let’s go dance to this song” questions, but you asked how to take the conversation deeper, right?
Eventually these are the conversations that become Essential when looking for an Eternal Companion. The answers aren’t as important as the discovery of whether or not you can imagine yourself talking to this person on a regular basis for the next millennia.
The “Art of Conversation” is the process by which we get to know others and ourselves better.
Before I get to question #2, we need to look at that dance you had with the “friend” guy.
[I wonder, Readers, how many of you picked up on what I’m about to mention?]
Sorry, but I just can’t let that moment go by without pointing out to you how your “friend” is willing to be more. The guy essentially told you to shed the first guy and look at him instead. Don’t believe me? Go back and read it!
Ladies and Gentlemen, those of you that doubt and dismiss, are you catching what I’m pitching?
OK, question #2: How do you get over someone?
Time.
And depending on the depth (and intimacy) of the relationship, it can take Lots of Time.
There are things you can do that will help (some of this will no doubt apply to closer relationships than you have in mind, but the principles are the same.)
To that end, here’s:
Bro Jo’s HOW to GET OVER a RELATIONSHIP
Don’t get too intimate. I think one of the many reasons we’re counseled to start of Dating Casually and to save Sex for Marriage is that too much intimacy too soon makes the Breaking Up and Getting Over that much more painful.
Remove the reminders. Get rid of letters, pictures, and any other memorabilia that brings pain. You shouldn’t have too much of this stuff anyway, but cleaning your room can help cleanse your soul.
Replace the relationship. That’s not to say that you should run right out and get a New Love Interest, but replace the time you previously spent thinking of and being with that person with time spent with friends and family.
Be open to new possibilities. Keep dating, or at the very least putting yourself in situations where you can meet possible dates.
Don’t forget the basics. Prayer, Scripture Study, Church Attendance; they worked when you were in Primary and their effectiveness never diminishes.
I should also tell you that some things never go away, and that’s not all bad. The Lord says that he’ll forget, not that we will, and like the lingering reminder that we should avoid sin, the sting of unsuccessful relationships lingering in the back of our memories helps us to make better decisions as we go through life.
And, not to make this worse, but if the two of you are simply at Casual Dating Age, and if he hasn’t done anything to hurt you, perhaps you shouldn’t entirely burn that bridge. A few short years from now, you may feel that the boy you fell “madly-in-like” with over and over again as a teen is someone you’d like to keep falling for eternally.
- Bro Jo
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