The Nervous Missionary

Dear Bro Jo,

Your advice was simply AWESOME last time, and so I'm back! Here goes round two!

I have NEVER been interested in a missionary until about a month ago. I actually used to take pride in the fact that I took no interest in them whatsoever--I wouldn't even check them out like some of the younger girls in my ward did!

But then, guess what, the week after I turn 19, I become smitten with a missionary. I saw him waiting for his companion out in the church parking lot, and decided to chat with him for a bit. It was probably at most a two minute conversation, but during that time he kind of stumbled and fumbled over his words. And he seemed kind of embarrassed about it--I think he blushed. Which I thought was rather odd, because he's been out on his mission over for a year. So you'd think by now he would've had plenty of practice talking to people, even girls. At this point his companion arrived, and we went our separate ways.

I thought about his reaction a lot, and why it happened. A week or so later, my family had the missionaries over for dinner. There were a couple minutes before dinner was served, and he seemed fidgety. During dinner he wouldn't look at me or talk to me.
I started over analyzing why he was behaving so weird. I wondered if he liked me. I guess because I thought about him so much, I ended up forming a crush on him (he's good-looking too). But, since he's a missionary, nothing else has happened like that (I suddenly became too nervous to talk to him at church).

I recently found out that he's been transferred. I'll admit it, I was disappointed. Next week I leave for school (BYU-I to be exact). I was thinking about writing him a letter once I'm up at school (because then I won't be in his mission, and breaking the rules by writing him). In the letter I just planned on asking him when he got home, and asking for his email address so I could talk to him after his mission. I really don't want to write him otherwise on his mission.

Do you think this is wrong of me to do? Is it too forward? Would it be best to leave it in his hands, and if he was interested, he would take the proper action? I heard that after some missionaries get home, they Facebook people they remember on their missions.
I don't want to distract him from his mission, but I do want to get to know him afterwards.


Sincerely,

Falling for a Missionary

Dear Falling,

Yes and yes.

It's wrong AND it's too forward.

I think writing a guy you met while he was on his mission, even though you've now moved out of the mission area, is a stretch of the mission rules at the very least . . .

Acting nervous when a 19 year old girl corners him is EXACTLY how a Good Missionary (who is perhaps a bit on the shy side) is supposed to act. You cornered him in the parking lot away from his companion! He may be an Experienced Elder, but you put him in a very awkward situation. Seriously: how was he supposed to act?

This infatuation is superficial at best. All you have to go on is his appearance, one short conversation, and his reaction upon realizing that he was scheduled to have dinner at the home of the girl that hit on him at church.

Of course he was nervous! That doesn't mean he was Falling for You.

It may mean . . . wait for it . . . he was nervous.

I'm an Old Married Guy, and if a pretty 19-year old girl cornered me alone in the Church Parking lot and was too close and a little flirty, I'd be nervous too! (Flattered, stunned, and concerned for her mental well-being - and physical safety lest Sister Jo be in a territorial mood - not that I'd think she was actually hitting on me - let's be real - but at the very least It Would Look Bad - you'd see me backing up and trying to restore my Personal Space Bubble)

What I'm saying is: I think you may have mis-interpreted his reaction and the fact that he's probably a nice guy. And clue into the fact that when he was at your home (which I bet surprised the heck out of him) HE AVOIDED YOU. That, my young friend, is NOT a sign of interest.

Plus, and Young Sisters this is VERY IMPORTANT: the Personality you meet when a guy is on his Mission is only a very small slice of who the guy really is off his mission. (Brethren, back me up on this)

You're headed to BYU-I, for gosh sakes; land of Many Eligible Mormon Men; be open to the Thousands of Possibilities there. Rather than pining away for the non-existent lost love, look to meet new friends where you actually live. Focus on making guys nervous that actually have the availablility to take you out.

Trust me: if this Missionary of which you speak IS in-love with you, after his mission he'll try to contact you. We guys can be a little obsessive that way. Know this, though, if he were to ask me if he should contact you after his mission, I'd probably tell him no. That's no disparagement against you, at all, I just think developing an obsession during one's mission is generally a bad idea and shouldn't be pursued. If he was sincere I might give him a Yellow "proceed with caution" light, but I'd warn him incessantly.

So don't wait around for it to happen.

Let me tangent here to something I'm not sure I've often (if ever) discussed in this column: the idea that there's only One Perfect Person out there for each of us is a M-Y-T-H; not true in every sense of the word. A Good Marriage can be made between any Man and Woman that put God first, and are Good, Unselfish people. Attraction is important, as is Integrity, the Willingness to Work Hard, and having things in common that you can do and discuss. You need not search the world over for that one and only being promised to you before the world began, because there is no such person. What you need to do is work at becoming the best, most decent person you can be, to learn how to put another's needs before your own, and then find someone who's willing to treat you the same way.

Looks fade, kids, but inner beauty lasts forever.

And I do mean the "Time and All Eternity" kind of forever.


- Bro Jo

PS - Thanks for the kind words!