Jail Bait - part 1

Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks for all the great advice you give, I love reading it. There's a situation I wondered if you might be able to shed some light on.

I normally try not to poke my nose into other people's business, however I have a close friend who has another friendship I'm not so sure about. She has a guy friend who she spends a lot of time with- a lot. They text often, and he comes over to her house just to hang out with her. Now, she's about my age- she's not yet 14. However, this guy is a senior in high school.

When he comes over, he hangs out with her, even though she has an older brother closer to his age. He's a great guy, and very strict about no serious relationships before his mission. He hangs out with plenty of other girls too- it just seems a little weird how much time he spends with my friend. I'm certain she likes him, but she's so much younger than he is, is it possible he likes her back? I just can't see what he's gaining from this relationship. I know this is bothering my friend's mom a little as well, and she's keeping an eye on them and always chaperones when he's over. And if they hang out a lot, is it technically dating?

And that's the situation. I was just wondering what your thoughts were on it. My questions were: Is it all right for a senior to spend that much time with a 13-year-old? Could he like her back? And if they don't think it's dating, is it?

Thanks. Any insights would be great. :)

-Perturbed pal


Dear Perturbed,

Yiikes!

And Double Yiikes!

No, it’s NOT ALRIGHT for a Senior boy to spend that much time with a 13 year old girl!

(Please forward this to your friend’s parents - with respect, they need to Clue In . . . NOW. This shouldn’t bother them a little, it should Concern Them a Great Deal – and it needs to stop, right away.)

Talk about C-R-E-E-P-Y . . .

Yes, it’s not only possible he “likes her back”, he likes her front, and sides, and . . .

No, “hanging out” is not technically dating, and in this situation it’s much worse than dating. At least if they were dating it would be out in the public, and everyone would confess to what’s going on.

(Side note: Sisters , I’ll say it a million more times if I have to – Don’t let boys come over and “hang out”; if you’re worth spending time with, you’re worth taking out. But this, given the young age of the girl, is worse.)

Look, you know all those columns I write about “Men and Women Can’t Be Close Friends”? This situation, right here, shows why. You wonder what this boy is getting out of the relationship? Well if it’s not something physical (and, parents, I hope you’re paying attention, because my bet is that it either is, or will be soon), some sort of gratification is happening on some level.

Perhaps his ego is boosted on some level.

Perhaps he sees it as “safe” (a Girlfriend who, because of her age, isn’t expecting as much, isn’t pressuring him).

Perhaps it is something physical, however “innocent” that may currently be.

Perhaps he’s thinking “hey, when I come back from my mission and graduate college she’ll be turning 19 and will be a potential spouse”, but that doesn’t justify laying the groundwork now. (OK, admittedly, the age difference here may not be that big. He could be 17 and she almost 14, but I doubt it.)

Look, Perturbed, clearly you’re a little jealous of the attention this Older Boy is giving your friend, and that’s OK, but therein also lays the trap. If the guy is simply being nice to her, shooting the breeze whilst he waits for her brother, that’s one thing, but if they’re spending any kind of Regular Alone Time Together, then that needs to stop.

Because of the Jealousy, and because that’s the first thing people we decry as your motivation, there’s not too much you can do.

First, see if you can honestly gage how much time they’re really spending together and how much of this may be your friend’s wishful thinking. If it turns out that these two really are “close”, then confide in your parents and, if warranted, your Bishop. If you already know that things have gone farther than they should, as I said, feel free to send this to her parents.

And one more thing: sometimes standing up for what’s right loses us a friend or two along the way. You need to know that’s OK. Better to lose a friend trying to help them, than to lose a friend because you didn’t.

Now, if you were obnoxious, like yours truly, you may just want to go up to him and ask him how his Jail Bait Girlfriend is. It might just scare him into reality.

- Bro Jo