Flirting

Dear Bro Jo,

I am so excited to have found this blog. This is exactly what I need!

I am female, 15 years old, 16 in three months. Confession: I had a serious boyfriend from ages 13 to 14. I was really open about it and nearly everyone in my school knows and remembers. No immorality, but it was still stupid. My parents are really nervous about me reaching the dating age and have even mentioned not letting me date anyway (I guess I deserve that). I've made a serious commitment to keep away from girlfriend-boyfriend situations until afer high school, and my dedication to the church has grown exponentially, but I guess my parents and classmates aren't fazed.

Now here's my problem. I am, by nature, extremely talkative, friendly, and enthusiastic. Also, I grew up entirely with boys/men so I'm perfectly comfortable with them. I don't often flirt intentionally but I guess it comes across that way to a lot of guys. Which would be great, if I were older - but whereas I'm 15, have no interest in a boyfriend, and am still (sigh) remembered as a girl who has dated steady... it creates problems. I've had to turn down several requests this year, requests that I totally didn't see coming. Strangely, guys don't seem to take "No, I promised God I wouldn't" as a rejection. I worry that this problem is going to get much worse after I turn 16 and (maybe) start dating.

Maybe it's a stupid question, but I'd like some of your guidelines - what's flirting? What isn't? What's appropriate for someone who doesn't want a serious relationship - especially for someone in the casual dating stage? How can I be friendly and still send a polite "not interested" signal?

Thanks a bunch, I'm really looking forward to getting some answers!

-The Accidental Flirt


Dear Flirt,

Exactly what you need?!? So you say now, but we'll just see if you stay "excited" . . .

Whew! You've given me a lot to cover here, but I'm glad you wrote.

First of all, I'm glad you've recognized the value of Casual Group Dating (as opposed to the Boyfriend-Girlfriend Thing) for people your age. Very smart.

Secondly, Sister Jo says that knowing how to talk to guys is a skill that every girl should aspire to learn, so Be Grateful! (I get letters constantly from sisters who need and want to learn how to do that which you already know; all of them will say that having to turn guys down for dates is a blessing, not a curse).

Third, guys can be persistent, either because we're dumb or because it works. No excuses here, just know that it's a reality. Keep using the "promise to God" line, though, eventually that will become your new reputation, and it's a good one.

What is flirting?

Anything you say or do that illicits, or trys to illicit, a favorable attractiveness response, whether you intend it to or not.

Too clinical?

OK.

Here's the list (you'll notice a lot of similarities across genders):

Bro Jo's LIST of FLIRTING DO'S and DON'TS for ALL AGES

Pre-teen Guys and Gals (13 and under)

No amount of flirting is a good idea.

Don't touch, hold hands, or hug non-relatives.

Do dress modestly. Be aware of what your clothes reveal and hide (you should have parental approval on everything you wear).

Don't say anything trying to be sexy or suggestive. You may be inviting trouble you definitely don't want in your life.

Do say nice things, use kind words.

Don't compliment another person's body, facial features or body parts.

Do compliment someones attire or over all appearance. "That's a pretty dress" is OK for guys to say; "I like your new tie" is OK for girls to say.

Don't stare at body parts.

Do look people in the eye when you speak to them, as best you can. Be nice and be conversational.


Pre-Dating Age Girls (14-15)

Do go to dances at School and Church (I'm not a big fan of those dances held for teens+ at clubs, recreation centers, fair grounds, etc; the behavior of those in attendance is often much less than respectful.)

Don't hint that you're looking for a boyfriend.

Do practice talking to guys, meeting new people, expanding your circle of friends.

Don't reveal too much personal stuff; you don't want to hang all of your laundry out there for everyone to see.

Do be a little flirty; smile, compliment (in a non-sexual way); that toss-the-hair thing can be very powerful if you can learn how to pull it off.

Don't gossip about who's with whom. While gossiping can get you attention it never earns respect.

Do Be Clean and Smell Good. Sister Jo calls that flirting without much effort.

Don't steal his stuff and get him to chase you to get it back; too juvenile.

Do ask to look at his hat or jacket and try it on. Ask him how you look. We guys eat that stuff up.


Pre-Dating Teen Age Guys (14 -15)

Don't gawk. I know girls your age are starting to be more revealing, and starting to have more to reveal, but don't stare. If she glances your way way you want her to see your eyes, not the top of your head.

Do go to dances, and ask all of the girls to dance. Pay attention to the girls who don't get asked much and even the girls that everyone wants to dance with will notice you.

Don't swear. I know many of you do this, even LDS guys, to try and gain some kind of acceptance, but girls notice, and many of the best ones will put you and your potty mouth on the NO list.

Do play sports. I'm a coach, trust me, even those of you that don't think you're athletic can succeed in one of the many sports out there. Girls like guys in good shape.

Don't skip the shower. Not after PE, not in the morning. Look clean, smell clean (bad smell is the number one complaint I have from girls your age about guys your age), be clean.

Do learn to converse. Learning how to go up and talk to girls you don't know is a skill you'll use until you finally propose.


Casual Dating Age Girls (16 - Adult)

Do look your best; do the best with what you've got. Clean and pretty works wonders.

Don't be a downer. Find a way to be positive. No one wants to hang out with a downer.

Do the flirty stuff: the hair swish, the smile, the look at him and look away . . . I know lots of you practice this stuff; if you don't, you should.

Don't turn down lots of dates. Find a way to go and go with any guy that's not scary. If you earn a reputation as a "no goer" you'll become a "why bother to ask".

Do start to use those "you should ask me out lines" that we've talked about here and on the Facebook page. Practice makes perfect, so start practicing.


Casual Dating Age Guys (16 - Pre-Mission)

Do go on dates; regularly. I know it's not easy, and I know you may get shot down a lot, but learning to ask and learning to deal with the Nos (and the Yeses) will be very valuable training that will not only prepare you for missionary service, but also put you on the right track for when you come back.

Don't become a video game addict. Put down the controller and slowly back away. Even girls that like video games (or pretend to for your sake) want to go out and do stuff, they want guys who live in reality.

Do be respectful. Open doors. Sure, I get comments from girls who say they don't like it, but the list of girls who want to date my boys because they're polite and chivalrous is very long.

Don't whine. Man up. Girls like guys who don't make excuses.

Do have plans. You can change your goals a lot, but girls are attracted to guys who have an idea of where they're going.

Don't be a wall flower. Get out and socialize. Make a commitment to dance every slow song at every Church dance. Don't hesitate to ask, set the tone.


YSA Women

Do NOT announce that you're "tired of the whole dating thing". Even if you are, once you take yourself out of the running it's very difficult to ever get back in.

Do go to institute. Mix up whom you sit by. Talk to everybody. Focus on them, ask guys about themselves. It's time to interview.

Don't get "focused on only your career". Even if you have a great one lined out, guys want to know that they'll fit in there somewhere. We men need attention, too, you know.

Do pour it on. Now's the time! Hand touch, laugh at his jokes, dress nice, smell good, toss your hair . . . all of that stuff. Now is the time, Little Sister, don't wait.

Don't turn down dates or require a chaperon. Your entire teen life you dreamed of having a boyfriend, of going on romantic one-on-one evenings; this is it.


YSA Men (post Mission)

Do date. All the time. A return missionary should be trying to go on 50+ dates per year. Stop whining, it's doable.

Don't make excuses. "I don't know her well enough yet" - what exactly do you think dating is for? "I don't have much money" - be creative! "She's dating so-and-so" - no ring = open game.

Do be physically fit and involved in stuff.

Don't hide. You've got to get out there!


SA Women (30+)

She who can flirt a little wins. You need to give strong consideration to invading his personal space bubble, and if you're ready to be kissed, you better be clear; a Good Guy may not pick up on you being too subtle.

Do touch him. Arm, hand, shoulder. That's how you'll let him know that you find him attractive.

Don't talk about the ex. You may need to spill your guts, but until he's emotionally invested no guy wants to hear it.

Do dress nice.

Don't over make-up or perfume; let him know that you're the real deal.


SA Men (30+)

You brethren in this category need to be very careful not to cross into what's called "The Creeper Zone". No matter how good looking you may be, most girls in their young 20s just think of you as "old". Sorry, but it's true. So . . .

Do be kind and conversational. At your age women want a man that will LISTEN to them. Figure out how, or be prepared to be single for a long time.

Don't talk about your ex-whatever, not until you've reached a point in the relationship where the deepest secrets are coming out. And NO, that's not in the first three dates.

Do be gentlemanly. She wants to be on a pedestal. Don't worship her, that's going too far, but do treat her like a queen.

Don't move too early to initiate physical stuff. You'll want her to be relaxed and comfortable, so if she's not leaning in or fiddling with the keys, hold off.


Married People (any age)

When it comes to Flirting with your spouse, just about anything is OK in private, and most stuff is OK in public, too!

Sisters, remember that your husbands need to feel appreciated and attractive. Touch him, compliment him, thank him. Any wife should be able to get her husband to do anything she wants with gratitude and physical contact.

Brethren, never admire any woman more than you admire your spouse.  Become in tune with when she feels dumpy and when she's put a lot of effort into her appearance, and compliment appropriately.  Realize the many things she does for you and Be Grateful.

Flirting with someone who is not your spouse is not allowed, and an overall selfish, creepy, and dumb idea.


Like all lists, it's a work in progress; I look forward to everyone's input!

While we're on the subject of Public Displays of Affection (PDA) you may also want to check out "Bro Jo's LIST of KISSING APPROPRIATENESS"


 As far as Flirting goes, I wrote a note you may want to check out on the Facebook Fan Page, called "Bro Jo's HOW a GIRL CAN GET a GUY'S ATTENTION"; it's a good place to start.


If you're worried that someone is going to get the wrong idea, back off. Get your flirting in control. Don't be mean, but don't be over friendly, either. Like so much, Honest Communication is the key; be prepared to say "he you're a great guy, but I'm not interested in dating you". Just be careful that you're not burning a bridge you may later want to cross.

- Bro Jo