Too Aggressive = Turn Off

OK Bro Jo.

I am sorry for bothering you again, so soon... but I need some reassurance, well that is what I am hoping for. Thank you so much for your feedback and your blog, not only is it helpful... but entertaining to boot! So here is my scenario:

I went to a rodeo this past weekend, so much fun! I helped in the back, suiting up the riders with helmets and vests. I met a guy there, we spoke a bit, but I didn't think anything of it. Later, after everyone had rode, he came up and we talked for a bit.

When we had cleaned up all the garbage in back we headed out into the arena (we being my friend and I, not this guy-we'll call him Derek). I was standing in a circle of friends just shooting the breeze, I believe I was quoting some Bryan Regan... and Derek came up randomly and joined in the conversation. He only talked to me though, it was kind of funny.

He listened to everything I said and kept asking me questions, even when my friends said something or tried to interject. My friends and I were headed to a dance so we asked if he was coming, he said no. We tried to convince him but to no avail; he said we should go do something else, I asked what we were going to do. He invited me to a car show (I LOVE cars) I was so excited. So we decided to meet back up at this car show the following day. I brought my friend with me for moral support haha... we saw Derek at the show, he was working so he was with us when he wasn't busy. It was fun, he kept trying to get information out of me... wanting to know more about me.

When he was busy with his job and my friend and I were just hanging out, I kept catching him looking over at me and smiling. Anyway, we were getting ready to leave and my friend grabbed a piece of paper and put my number on it, telling him to call me, and gave it to his co-worker.

Later that day I got a call from him but missed it, he left a message telling me to call him back. I did and left a message asking him to do the same. I am not the clingy type, but I thought he seemed interested. It's been 5 days and no call... why? I don't understand, I thought we really hit it off.... am I wrong? I understand he has a life and I respect that, I'm not the least busy person myself.... but 5 days? Did I read his signals wrong?

I planned a group thing and called him to invite him; I left a message and told him to call me or shoot me a text. He text me back to say he had to work. I said "Thats too bad... We should do something sometime. Have fun at work!" And nothing, am I too forward? Did he just up and decide he was no longer interested? It's kinda frustrating...

Signed,

Perplexed



OK Perplexed.

No, I don't think you read his signals wrong.

Yes, you weren't just too forward, you were aggressive.

You may have killed any romantic feelings he had by taking away any need to pursue you.

It's no fun to go hunting if the deer are just going to walk up to the truck.

What you should have done is not called him back when he left the message to do so, or at the very most called and quickly said "look, I don't want to be rude, but I don't call guys; if you want to talk to me you'll have to do the calling; and, believe me, I'm worth the effort" and

HUNG THE HECK UP!

No texting. No invitations. No calls.

If he's not willing to make the manly effort, he's not worth your time.

You've GOT to change your ways.

But . . .

All is not lost in this particular situation. Of course you can't make any more moves towards him, but you can use a friend to communicate a message for you, perhaps the phone number giving one. Have her go see him, if possible, or call (no texting or emails - WAY too impersonal, and too easy for him to think you did it) and say "Hey, I wanted to tell you that you've probably lost your chance with (she inserts your name here). She typically doesn't call guys, but she made an exception for you. Since you didn't make an effort to call her back she's figured you're not interested. So won't call you again, so if you don't want to miss your shot with her you better make a move soon."

And that's it. No extra words from her. No advice on what he should do. He can figure it out on his own.

If he doesn't, or won't, it probably wasn't going to happen anyway.

Yes, it's perfectly "legal" to use ones friends to help in romantic situations (her giving him your number was brilliant, but it may have set up the whole "aggressive" tone).

Don't let it bother you, just learn and move on.

- Bro Jo


Bro Jo...

Aw man!!! Dang it! Well I'm going to have to work on that, thanks for the help! I'll let you know if anything happens :/

-P

Wait... quick question. How do I let him know I am interested if I don't see him very often? Should I not invite him to group things, but let him invite me?
thanks

-P


Dear Perplexed,

YES!!!

Don't invite him to ANYTHING.

(Duh)

Look, there are things you can do with out robbing him of his manhood.

Get one of your friends to invite him.

And if you haven't already, check out:

Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a BOY'S ATTENTION"

Bro Jo’s "TEN WAYS a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to CALL"

and

Bro Jo's "HOW a GIRL CAN GET a GUY to ASK HER on a DATE"


Good luck.

- Bro Jo