Hey Bro Jo,
I would just like to say what amazing advice you give, you have helped me a lot! I always thought when I would need to write to you, and I feel I do now.
My boyfriend and I have been dating for 9 months, and he is preparing for a mission. He is 22 and had some troubles in the past, I dont know the details, I think he thinks its best that I dont know...but that is why now he is going on a mission. It is a slow process for him and our bishop told me he is still struggling with his past.
Lately he has been feeling really down, its not everyday but it is often...and it frustrates me, I am fine for a few hours of him feeling down, but then it just seems to get too much for me, and I want to understand and I try to, but I just seem to break down and get annoyed with him. SOmetimes I feel I can't understand without knowing what he did in his past, but I don't want to pressure him in telling me, he might not ever tell me...how can I get over the feeling that he has to tell me? He told his last girlfriend...and to tell the truth that makes me feel insecure sometimes...but she wasn't a member of the church, so I think (I'm just guessing here) that he doesn't want to tell me because of what I might think of him. Will this effect our relationship? Do I have to know? Sometimes I feel I have to, most of the time it doesn't worry me though.
I dont really know what I am trying to get at, I'm confused and continuously think of these things, so please help.
The other thing is, when he is down, what can I do to help? Should I just let him be, just ignore my frustrations and let him figure it out? It will be hard to do that, but I want to do what is best for him...or should I let out my frustrations? Usually when i do, he seems to go back to his normal self more quickly, but I dont know if thats the best thing.
Thank you for listening, it's actually good just to get this out by writing it down.
- Girl who thinks too much
Dear Thinker,
You're not alone! (Does it surprise you to know that Sister Jo and I "over-analyze" things, too?)
The answer to your questions is . . . "it depends".
Sorry, there's just lots of variables to consider.
Sister Jo and I have been together over 20 years; sometimes we repeat the same stories we have for years, sometimes there's a new take on an old story, and sometimes something new comes up. Factor in that we've now spent more of our lives together than we spend previous to meeting, and you realize that no one ever knows everything about anyone.
You and your guy have some things to work out, especially in the Communication area.
But you also need to decide whether or not it matters.
The guy is trying to set his life in order so he can go on a mission - that's great! Clearly his frustrations and guilt are manifesting themselves as depression, perhaps even anger. And doubtless Satan is working on him. The closer he gets to putting his life right, whether that means a mission or not, the harder the adversary will work to keep hold of him.
Do you have to know? Do you have to ignore your frustrations?
Well that depends on you.
I couldn't. For me the secret keeping would be a deal breaker. I may not know everything about Sister Jo, and she's certainly entitled to some privacy and distance, but I'm comfortable that she shares the big stuff, especially if I ask. And vice-versa.
Clearly it ALREADY has effected your relationship. His unwillingness to speak and your desire to hear are in conflict. That's what you two need to talk about. You need to tell him WHY you feel the way you do, mentioning the ex-girlfriend (Has it ever occurred to you that she may be the "ex" because he told her and he's afraid that if he tells you'll leave, too? And that you just might?) and your frustrations and your desire to help.
Then you two need to come to terms with what will happen if you do leave, or if you can't live with not knowing.
And it doesn't sound to me like you can.
And, frankly, not to switch soapboxes here, I think you two both need to understand that once he goes there's no guarantee that you'll end up together upon his return.
Despite that, if he's allowed to go, he should.
Relationships are full of risks and fears. The best way to reduce those (note that I didn't say "eliminate") is to talk. Sometimes you have to throw it all up in the air and see where things fall.
And when they've fallen you just have to accept that's where they are.
Always here if you need,
- Bro Jo
PS - As far as what to do when he's down, again "it depends". Some people need time and space, others want to be social. I sense that he wants space and you would prefer to be social. Whatever the case, react the way he needs.
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