Three Reasons to Break Up

Dear Bro. Jo,

Okay this might get long. I'm not sure just yet. I'm 17 and this guy that I'm dating is 18. We are both members of the church and have been our whole lives. I met him at Youth Conference of last year and we became really good friends.

We hit it off and eventually started dating. He is a great guy and was when I met him and for the first many months I knew him. We have kissed and the problem now is that he tries to get really touchy and kiss more deeply and I tell him no and when I try to discuss this with him he gets all defensive.

I'm not sure how to explain to him that it's just plain wrong. He tries to justify it all the time. He does plan on serving a mission in a year because he just turned 18 and we both want to have a temple marriage. I love this guy.

Now is it true love I'm not sure because I love him for who he is. It seems as if he only gets excited now if he is about to kiss me and I push away because it's not right.

I know that he is a great and amazing guy. We've been to the temple numerous times and everything feels so right and I don't want to lose him as a part of my life. He even asked me if I would wait for him on his mission and I told him I would if we get that far.

How can I be the light and tell him that we need to take things more slowly where he won't get offended?

Will we ever get married?

Who knows. Haha.

But if it does get to that point I want to make sure I'm marrying a guy with high standards and I'm scared if I let him go he will go do really bad things with other girls.

Please help.

Thanks.

Sincerely,

Girl who wants to do what is right but help.



Dear CTR Girl,

I don't know what "we've been the the Temple many times" means . . . but I suspect it falls under what I label "bad date ideas for young singles" . . .

You're not going to like this, but you need to break up with this guy.

Sorry.

But here's why:

1) When you tell him he's being more aggressively affectionate than you're comfortable with he, in your words, "gets upset". This is a phenomenally Bad Sign, and no matter how much you regret writing it or feeling it or how much you try to change, twist or justify your worlds now, that won't change the insight your comment gives. Not only does he not care about how you feel, he is trying to talk you into doing things physically that you feel are wrong. THAT, Little Sister, is never good. And THAT is enough to tell me that he's not the "great guy" you think he is. In fact, I think it's an indicator that something else may be going on in his life.

2) He's leaving on a mission soon. Don't, I repeat DO NOT, make any kind of promise or commitment to him. You barely know him, haven't been dating for very long, he's leaving (or should be) in under a year . . . You need to be dating other guys while he's gone (and you should be Casual Group Dating with a bunch of different guys now anyway). You're too young to put yourself into storage.

3) And this, I think, is the most telling of all the things you said: "I'm scared if I let him go he will go do really bad things with other girls". Why, if he's the "great and amazing guy" you say he is would he ever give you cause to think he would do something that would scare you? What about him leads you to believe that you're involvement in his life is the only thing keeping him from throwing morality out the window? Is it because of what he's trying to do (or has already done) with you? Is it because you know things about him you've yet to share with me or won't admit out loud to yourself? And, more importantly than even all of that, why on earth would you cling to a guy that you think will use the dissolution of your relationship as an excuse to go out and be a jerk?

I've got to be honest with you here, and I'm assuming that you wrote me because on some level you know you need me to be, I'm not sure you're the only girl in his life. I think we're dealing with a guy who's hormones, even if understandably so, are out of his control; and I think he's using you to see how much action he can get before he turns in his papers. I think you're not the first girl he's done this stuff with, and I doubt you'll be the last (and from what you said, I think you know it, too).

And I think you're overlooking this stuff because this "relationship" gives you some kind of affirmation or security.

I know that girls see relationships, especially at a young age, as some kind of proof that they have value, that they're pretty. Individual Worth doesn't come from some guy, even after you're married; it comes from God and you're imbued with it for no other reason than that you're his daughter.

It's why great girls will not only go out with loser guys, but why so many of you are willing to . . . do things you know you ought not be doing to keep a guy around.

I know that most girls lose their virginity because they think they must to keep their boyfriend happy (and or there's alcohol involved); and, frankly, the guys that push for their girlfriends to "give in" (or "give up") are only acting the role of boyfriend so they can enjoy the physical benefits.

If you and this guy are no longer an item, you'll still be pretty, you'll still be smart, you'll still be fun and sweet and worth while.

I'm not saying you're a bad girl.

I'm saying you're a good girl that deserves better.

You deserve to marry a guy who's standards you don't have to question.

He'll lay a guilt trip on you, maybe even cry. He'll ask to remain your friend, and if you agree he'll be hoping that means he'll have another shot at doing stuff with you. He may be angry and indignant and demand answers. He' may promise he'll back off on the physical stuff and confess his love for you . . .

Whatever.

If you're not married or engaged when he comes home from the mission, you can consider dating him again then. Tell him that.

And move on.

Good luck.

If it helps, you're not alone. You can read about some whopper breakups on the Facebook Discussion "Break Up Stories".

Good luck. I'd like to hear from you again; keep me posted on how things work out, either way, would ya?

- Bro Jo