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Wednesday, September 1, 2010

When the Deck is Stacked Against You

Dear Bro Jo,

I've been reading your blog and the discussion board on your facebook page for a few months now, and I love reading all the advice you give! It's truly inspiring to me, even though most of it doesn't apply at this time in my life.

I'm almost eighteen, and one of only four LDS young adults from my area. One is inactive and attends a secular college several hundred miles away, another recently had a baby with a non-member and stopped attending church, and the other is currently serving his mission. This leaves me very isolated from others of my religion, and although I love my nonmember friends, I often wish I had friends of my own faith in addition to exchanging letters with my friend on a mission. I never went to EFY or any Girls' Camps because my parents are nonmembers and don't really support me, so I have a hard time meeting other Mormon teens. At this age, I'm beginning to really want to date. There's nobody in particular I'm interested in; I'm pretty particular about what guys I'd give my attention to. Too many guys around here do drugs/drinking/casual sex, and I don't want to get into that!

In your opinion, would it be a bad idea to date a nonmember guy, if I can manage to find a generally "good" guy?

Another dating problem I have is that I use a cane, and sometimes a wheelchair, because I was disabled due to a medical mistake as a child. This turns off even the greatest guys I meet, because they get worried about sex. Even the ones who don't want to have sex until after marriage are preoccupied with it now. I'm pretty sure I will be able to have sex, because my problems don't affect any of "that," but I'm not sure how to approach this with the guys. I don't want to go up to any guy I think might be interested but who is hesitant because of my physical problems and tell him I'm fully functional, but sometimes I feel like I should just hang a sign around my neck! ;) I'm not otherwise unattractive, I think... I have a few rather large scars, a bit of acne, and "woman hips," but I don't think I'm ugly or "undateable."

The third and final (for now!) question I have concerns college. I'm currently attending my state's university, but I want to transfer to a college with a high population of Mormons so I can meet more people. I'm considering among BYU, BYU-I, and any other college in Utah (i.e. Utah State). (I know I don't want to go to Southern Virginia because I've had a few incidents with students there and don't want to go someplace I'd be starting out with conflicts with other students!) Do you have any suggestions about this? Would it be a bad idea to apply to transfer just so I can meet an LDS guy? (If you post my email on your blog, please don't include this paragraph with the others.)

Thank you,

Single Sister



Dear Sister,

Thank you for the kind and encouraging words.

If you're still in High School, then Casual Group Dates that include non-members are totally acceptable (in fact, my boys say that CGDs with non-members is often better on several levels).

If you're at a point in your life where you're ready to start Serious and Exclusive Dating (and if you're not now, you will be soon), then that's a different story.

Sure, there are lot's of great non-member guys out there to pick from, but if you believe like I do that marriages (and families) are forever, then choosing someone that has similar convictions is essential.

That's not to say that simply being LDS, or even a Return Missionary, is enough. A label doesn't give us enough insight into the real person. Don't you agree?

You definitely need to meet more like-minded people your age. To that end I think you're on the right track when you write about attending a college or University with a High LDS Student population. To your list I'd add LDS Business College (which boasts yours truly as one of it's alumni), Boise State, Idaho State, San Diego State and Arizona State. I'll post a Discussion on the Facebook Fan Page asking our readers for other schools as well (click HERE).

It's a GREAT IDEA to transfer to a school where you can meet MANY LDS guys!

- Bro Jo

PS - Please let me run the last paragraph. I think it addresses something that could help many. If you want me to change it or strike a particular part, I can do that, but I think your letter is well written as it is.


Dear Bro Jo,

The circumstances in my life have changed that I'm comfortable with it if you want to run my letter as it is. Thank you very much!

- Single Sister


Dear Sister,

You're welcome!

And Good Luck!

- Bro Jo

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