Cheese & Kisses (Non-Hershey's!) - part 2

Ok, Cheese's turn:
"Cheese wants a kiss!"

Dear Bro Jo:

I want a kiss! QT wants to kiss me! I know he shouldn't kiss me because it's inappropriate at this age. (I am 15, he is 16.) But then again I know at this age it's inappropriate for me to like one guy so much more than all the rest. Which doesn't stop me from feeling that way! Ugh!

He also knows he shouldn't kiss me, and that he shouldn't like me exclusively. But that doesn't stop him from feeling that way! So we both spend time with lots of other people, like I tell him he should date other girls (and of course I'm too young to date anyway.) But the fact is, we *do* like each other.

A lot.

And we've talked/texted about kissing, because...well, i'm pretty sure it's fun. And we'd like to. But we don't want to do anything we will regret, even if it is a simple kiss on the cheek. So when does a kiss become ok?

Here's one such conversation: (we play truth or dare a lot)

Qt: T or D
Me: T
Qt: Would you break my nose if I kissed you?
Me: You're a lot bigger than me plus a black belt. I don't think it would work

or this one: (just because it's fun to tell these.)

Me: Make a wish. 11:11 (am...we always say you can make a wish at 11:11.)
Qt: Ok, wish made.
Me: T or D
Qt: T
Me: What did you wish for?
Qt: It won't come true if I tell you.
Me: What if you wish to move to Tajikistan? I wouldn't want that to come true.
Qt: I didn't wish for that, promise!
Me: Pleeeeeeeeeease tell me.
Qt: Okay, I can't believe I'm saying this...I wished...that you would want me to kiss you.
Me: Oh. That already came true a long time ago. But wanting's not good enough if you know you shouldn't. :(

Actually, I'd like to know everything you have to advise on kissing. Is it really a good idea to wait until I'm over the altar? That seems awfully far away. (And I'm not silly enough to think I'll end up across the altar from QT, I know high school loves almost never last forever, plus I would NEVER want to be one of those "waiting for a missionary" girls because it's horrible and stupid for both people.)

But I do want to add in that I think it would be *awkward* if my first kiss were across the altar. Everyone's watching! And suddenly you'd go from Virgin Lips to kissing for a camera. How weird would that be?

I don't know what else to say. Life was so much easier when boys had cooties instead of being cuties. How long do I have to wait for a kiss?

- Mom & Cheese


Dear Cheese,

Of course you want to be kissed! You're a girl over 13, isn't that pretty much par for the course?

Don't all 14+ year old girls who have yet to be smooched obsess a little about that?

(I know 16-year old not-yet kissed boys do . . .)

More to your questions:

No, in my opinion, it definitely IS NOT a good idea to wait to share your first kiss (whether with that particular guy or any guy) over the alter. Understand, please, that I'm telling you this as a guy who used to make his daughters repeat that "Daddies pick out your husbands" and "A First Date is called a Honeymoon", but the reality is that, in addition to so many things, a marriage needs have a little passion, especially at the beginning. Except for some Very Rare Personality Types, I'd say that if two people have no trouble keeping their hands off each other, marriage may not be in the cards.

I often counsel engaged couples to spend the last 2+ weeks of their engagement apart, but at the very least no alone-in-the-dark time together, lest Satan tempt them too strongly to no longer be Temple Worthy.

So, No, I don't think kissing should be saved for the Wedding Day. Sex, yes, wait on that. Heavy petting, yes, save that, too. Anything that over-stimulates genitalia (including what we have witnessed at our local High School, which we call "Dirty Dancing" - dumb, dumb, dumb), between a married couple is fine and encouraged; before marriage is a Very Bad Idea.

Waiting to kiss your husband wouldn't be awkward, I hope, but it IS unrealistic (did you see the recent fan-page postings?).

So . . . when does a girl get to kiss a boy?

Well . . . this may kill your mom, but I think you're old enough now.

HOLD ON!

Before you put down the mouse and run out of the house towards What's-his-name, smearing gloss on your pre-puckered lips, let's talk just a bit more.

I want you to be aware that, in the minds of Most Gals, Kissing is a Commitment, and that in the minds of Most Guys . . . that isn't necessarily so. And whether it is a spoken (or perhaps more correctly stated, unspoken) commitment, it will change your relationship with this boy, and perhaps all other boys . . . forever.

You and your mom have figured out that this group of boys you "pal around" with are not just your buddies. You and "QT" have even tossed out there the "what would it be like if we kissed" question (an excellent play by him, I must say; very smooth; well executed and clearly very effective), and it's clearly on both of your minds, so now what?

Once you actually kiss him, or he you, you'll never be able to pretend that you're "just buddies" again; even if you can, he won't be able to. That's a promise. So you'll either be a girl kissing her boyfriend or a girl kissing some guy she has no commitment with. You tell me, is one worse than another?

And what will happen to your social group once all those guys know that you've kissed QT? (Even if he "promises" to keep it a secret, trust me, they'll know. It will slip out in some way, and even if not, people have radar for that kind of stuff. Heck, Sister Jo and I have our Observe Couples Radar so finely tuned that we can walk through Church or the Local High School and tell you fairly accurately just how physically far some people have gone and with whom. So, believe me, your mutual friends will know.

Some of that may be good, and some bad, but Be Aware that it will happen.

And give a little thought, please, to what will happen after. You're 15. The odds of you marrying this guy are pretty much zero. In fact, I can almost guarantee that you'll each date several other people before you're adults, so . . . (and you said so yourself).

How are you going to feel when the first guy you ever kissed kisses someone else? What if that's all he's waiting for before he moves on? Does it surprise you to know that Many Times a kiss is the end of a relationship?

True story.

How will you feel if he brags to his friends that he kissed you? (Don't tell me that you know he won't, because I can promise you he's going to tell people. We all do.)

What if he tells his friends he kissed you, but they give him a hard time, and he covers by saying you were aggressive and it wasn't that great?

OK. That's a lot to throw at you, I know. And, yes, I do believe that you can't think about everything. And I think that over-thinking can rob much of life's joy. (I hope that makes sense . . .)

I'm not saying "don't kiss him", and while I can't say to a 15-year old girl "Go Kiss That Guy" (over 30 SA's I say that to all the time . . .), I will say that I expect you to . . . kiss him, and that it's not an awful idea . . . but please think it through.

And for Gosh Sakes, please, Please, PLEASE -Be Smart. Nothing Too Long or Too Wet. No cars, bedrooms, sofas, or overly-secluded areas. Keep it simple. Don't have too high of expectations (trust me, it takes years of married life to get it right).

On the porch, under the light, with your parents waiting inside and watching through the windows . . .

I might be comfortable with that.

Smell nice, but dress like a nun, lest we old people who care about you fall over and die.

And, I'm going to use your "Life was so much easier when boys had cooties instead of being cuties" line - very clever!

Have fun.

But not too much.

No melted Cheese, please.

Aloha,

- Bro Jo


PS: After talking to Sister Jo, I realized I need to clarify a couple things. As parents we can't imagine giving any pre-mission boy or pre-graduation girl "permission" to kiss one of our children; after that age, sure, but before? No way! Now we might encourage one of our kids to initiate the kissing, but not likely. And we both think his line about asking your parents is . . . creepy at best.

Regarding Kissing Age (I might have to add this to the "Bro Jo's KISSING APPROPRIATENESS" - - which you should read, by the way) Sister Jo says "preteen = no; 14+ = OK"; and we'd both add to that a consideration of the age gap. It's a personal thing for us, and may need to be culturally adjusted, but Teen Girls should not Kiss Adult Guys (with a 17-year old girl and an 18-year old boy being the exception). When I got your email we had just watched "My Father the Hero" as a family. In it a 16-year old Katherine Heigl plays a 14-year old girl who desperately wants to kiss a 17-year old boy played by then 23-year old Dalton James; neither of those age gaps gives us comfort.

PSS:  You better stop playing "Truth or Dare", even by text.  A lot of trouble comes that way.