Loving the Sinner

Dear Bro. Jo,

One of my very best friends came out as gay a few months ago. He told me that he was really afraid he was going to lose me as a friend when he told me because he knows that the Mormon church doesn't support homosexuality. That statement really shocked and saddened me.

I would never give up our friendship because I don't agree with his sexual orientation, and part of being a good friend includes helping him through hard times. He hasn't told his family yet, he's struggling with figuring this whole thing out. As a friend, he often asks me for advice. It puts me in a sticky situation as personally, I don't agree with homosexuality. However, I am never going to betray him by telling him that the way he feels is wrong.

I don't believe that being gay is a choice as we are sometimes taught. I think it's a choice what we do with those feelings, but it was never a choice to feel sexual attraction to the same sex in the first place. It's a trial, and that took a very long time for me to understand. Everyone has a weakness, and for some it's homosexuality. I can't tell my friend that his feelings are wrong, he is not LDS and quite frankly, I would sound like any other homophobic person to walk the earth. I know that he's going through a really tough time, and I want to be there for him. The problem is that I feel like to give him "advice" is betraying my beliefs in the Church, in a sense. If he gets a boyfriend, I want to be happy for him, but at the same time, I don't agree with it.

So what I'm getting at is . . . to what extent can I be there for him? Remember, he is one of my best friends and he's always been there for me. I don't ever want to let him down, but I don't want to let Heavenly Father down either.

Sincerely,

Lost in Thought.


Dear Lost,

I know this may not be how you've heard it before, but "Homosexual" isn't something someone is. It's something someone does.

Simply finding other people of the same gender attractive is not enough to "make one gay". I'll bet your friend has never been told that.

Some trials just happen to us, like some cancers. Some trials we bring upon ourselves, like smoking being the cause of lung cancer.

So having sex with someone of the same gender (and that's what "homosexuality" means) is a choice.

(For the record, rape is an act of violence and control, so being raped by a same sex person doesn't make you "gay", either.)

Let's not equate homosexuality with race, gender or being stricken with disease; it doesn't qualify.

Heavenly Father loves all of us, and I promise that there are none of us that make him happy with all of our choices. If you want to be a good friend (and let me mention here that I, too, have people in my life that I love and respect, friends, clients and family, that are "gay") then treat him as you wish to be treated by others and by God. Don't mock, belittle, insult, cajole or torment.

If he asks your opinion, then respect him enough to tell him the truth. If he doesn't ask your opinion, keep your mouth closed.

If he asks or expects you to condone or otherwise advise him in a way that makes you uncomfortable, then respectfully decline.

Hate the sin, but love the person.

He can't ask you for more than that.

Now, let me warn you that, as your friendship goes, this is likely the beginning of the end. At the very least it will likely never be the same. If he acts upon his homosexual feelings (and I suspect he already has, or he wouldn't be testing his "coming out" on you) he will probably be headed down a lifestyle path that will include: gratification, pornography, selfishness and disease. It's going to be painful for you to watch him do things that will be of great risk to himself. And, if you hold true to your faith, he may turn on you. Not always. But often.

I'm not telling you that so you'll dump him as a friend, I'm warning you of what may be to come so you're prepared.

No matter how personal he tries to make it, his anger won't be personal.

And for you: don't get sucked into a culture that pulls you away from your own Temple Marriage, Eternal Family, and Spiritual Goals.

It's OK to tell him "I don't agree with what you're planning to do, but I'll always love you".

Keep doing those things that help you feel the Spirit and know of the Savior's love.

- Bro Jo