Dealing with Bullies

Dear Bro Jo,

I have been reading your blog for a while now and for the most part I think the advice you give is great, I am even starting to see your point with the whole Girls and guys cannot be close friends thing. Of course, I will always disagree with your views on whether or not it is right for a girl to wait for a guy while he is on his mission. But this has nothing to do with Elder F and I.

Actually this is about my little sister...

Up until two years ago my sister Bekka and I were really close, there is just under a three year age gap with us, She'll be 16 in a couple of months - I guess she isn’t so little anymore. We used to talk about everything! We'd go the cinema together, we'd stay up late at night and we had tones of inside jokes & she was first to know when I met Elder F. anyways you get the point.. It all slowly began to change two years ago & I guess I got so distracted that I didn’t really notice how much we were drifting. These days we fight. It’s gotten to the point where no one can talk to her without it turning into a fight. No one but her school friends.

We recently found out that Bekka has been getting bullied in school - it’s gotten to the point of her skipping class to avoid the bullying, which is really hard for me to sit back and not do anything about, when I was in school with her It was always my job to look out for her, or at least that’s how I saw it, I never had that when my brother was in school, I learned to defend myself by the time I was 13. I now sometimes wonder if I babied her to much? Maybe if I'd let her fight her own battles the way I had to fight my own she'd be able to handle being bullied now?

I'll be honest, I don’t like her friends but they are the only friends she has. Her best friend smokes, takes drugs, drinks and is pregnant (- I know all that as fact because I am friends with her older sister) I worry that the way they act will influence her. I don’t know what to do! Any time I try to talk to her she becomes really moody, tries to hid things, lies and turns every conversation into a shouting match between us. I need to get through to her! I can’t lose my sister the way we lost my brother.

Any Ideas on how I can finally find a way to talk to her?

One-Worried-Sister.

ps - I changed her name



Dear Sister,

Thank you for the name change.

And thanks for sticking with me even though we won't always see eye to eye . . .

Your sister may be going through lots of different things . . . I'd like to know some more specifics on the bullying . . . but I think ultimately what she needs is to spend time with you. I suspect much of what she's going though is that she's lonely.

Do you live at home or nearby?

Can you hang out with her, just sisters, without being condescending or judgmental?

I know that can be hard, especially when you know she could benefit So Much from what you have to say . . . but I think right now she just needs you to be her unconditional friend. Don't give your opinion unless she asks, and even then see if you can guide her to what's right rather than tell her what she should do or change.

If you can do that, if you can simply be her "cool big sister", you may find that it fixes a lot.

For her And for you.


- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

No one knew Bekka was being bullied until two weeks ago when she came home from school with a black eye and crying. That’s the trouble with Bekka, She never asks anyone for help until she can’t handle things anymore. From what she told my mum and me, there is a group of girls in her English class that are making her life a misery.

They call her names, make fun of her for being a Mormon, make inappropriate jokes about her and throw things at her when the teacher is not looking. She's told the teacher what’s been going on, but the teacher hasn't been taking her seriously at all. When the girls found out Bekka had been to the teacher -- they attacked her on her way home from school.

She hasn’t given us the full story. ---but I found out a lot from a few friends of mine that are in her English class, The black eye isn’t the first time the girls have attacked Bekka And from what my friends can tell, some of Bekka's so called friends have been joining in with the fun.

I think your right. I think she is lonely. And more scared than she is willing to let on.

My friends - who are all guys, have promised to keep an eye on things in class and let me know if things carry on or get worse. I hate that someone is hurting her and I can’t do anything about it!

I do still live at home, and I am trying to be there for her as best as I can but she isn't making it easy. I'm going to keep trying though.

- Sister



Dear Sister,

I'm not sure where you live, but physical injury is a crime (assault) around most of the world. Since the teacher isn't doing anything, go to the principal or dean. And call the cops. Get everything documented right away. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be to protect your sister. This is not an issue of little kids on the playground, this is a targeted physical attack, and needs to be taken very seriously. Your parents need to be taking action. If they're hesitant in any way, please have them contact me. If they email me with their phone number and request me to do so, I'll call them.

No one should have to endure physical abuse at the hands of another, LDS or not.

- Bro Jo



Dear Bro Jo,

There is no need to worry on that one, After Bekka went to bed tonight I told my parents everything I found out, They are going to the school tomorrow to talk to Bekka's head of year and the school Police officer - My mum is brutal when it come to talking to teachers, it’s like they have no choice but to listen, take her seriously and actually do something about it. --- The problem is if Bekka refuses to talk to the police they cannot do anything about it.

- Sister


Dear Sister,

Well . . . sort of. A victim need not necessarily testify in the case of an assault. Again, this can depend on where you are . . .

I think confiding in your parents was a Very Good Idea - sounds like your mom will be a big help.

I hope your sister speaks up on her behalf.

Either way, I think you should take her for a treat and a walk.

She's lucky to have a sister like you.

- Bro Jo

PS - Keep me posted, will you, please?