What is he thinking?

Dear Bro Jo,

I have a problem. Obviously. You see, there's this guy in my student ward. He just moved in this semester and got home from a mission about two months ago. I met him about three weeks ago. To be nice, my roommate and I invited him and a couple of some other new kids in our ward to a birthday party we had for another of our roommates.

The next day at church, he sat by me in Sunday School and then later that week we invited him and his roommate to a movie night we had. He was the only one from his apartment to come, but he sat by me and kept his hand in the awkward sort-of-open-resting-on-thigh position. Everyone else agreed that that was definitely the "hold-my-hand" move, but come on, at this point I had known the guy for exactly 5 days. I didn't really think much of it, but the next day he just randomly came over to my apartment. He stayed for 6 hours. For about half of that time, it was just me and him sitting on my couch talking. We were angled toward each other and sort of close. About halfway through the conversation, he asked me, "Where do we go from here?". I have to say I was taken aback.

I've known him for about a week now and what did he mean "from here"? From where? I didn't know we were anywhere. But then he asked me on a date for two days later. I said yes, and our conversation continued just fine. From then he kept his hand on my knee and left it there for the rest of the conversation, which was probably another hour and a half.
Well, the day of the date came. We doubled with another couple and it was a lot of fun. I had a really good time. And when he dropped me off, he said, "I look forward to doing this again".

Good sign, right? The next day was my birthday and he called me to wish me a happy birthday and then made me brownies. Another good sign, right? We write "nice notes" on Sundays at "Ward Prayer" and I wrote him thanking him for the brownies and for the date. Nothing too weird or clingy.

And then three days go by and I don't hear anything from him. Which, considering how long I've known him isn't really that long. But to me, it felt like FOREVER. My roommates then goaded me into texting him. We talked, for a while and it was just fine. The next day, he texted me, and we talked for a little bit. The day after, we decided to have a movie night and so I invited him. He brought some friends, but he sat next to me, and talked to me for a bit during the movie. Before he left, he gave me a hug. Again, a good sign, am I correct?

That next Sunday, I sat next to him in Sacrament Meeting and again in Sunday School. Conversation with him is easy. But then, on Sunday night at "Ward Prayer", he doesn't come talk to me, he doesn't even, from what I can see, look at me. He and his roommate just talk to this other girl. I had decided to lay off a bit, because in my opinion, the ball was definitely in his court. I wasn't going to seek him out, because I had done enough of that earlier by sitting next to him at church.

The next day we had a ward FHE activity. He's not in my family and was sitting across the room from me, but I was just one person behind him in the food line and he didn't say a word to me. Maybe he didn't notice while he was talking to the girl in front of me, but he was facing me for goodness sake. After a bit, he did say hi and we talked for about five minutes until we both left the line. After the activity, again, he didn't come over to talk to me, or anything. He and his roommate left with that other girl and ended up going to her apartment. (I didn't follow them on purpose, we left at the same time.)

And so now after that ridiculously long explanation, I want to know what the heck is going on. Do I just need to chill? Is he just bad at dating because he's only been home for two months? Does he not care anymore? Is he just taking his time? I know it's only been three weeks, but I'm super confused. I feel like things have progressed super weirdly, but now they aren't really going anywhere. What I should do, if anything?

This was very long. I apologize.

Completely Confused



Dear Completely,

Even when one goes on a mission to one's native country, there's a bit of a culture shock once it's over and you come home. There can be trouble acclimating back into regular life and, to be honest, my opinion is that the LDS Church is full of Young Men and Return Missionaries that have no clue how to date or behave around girls is one of the main reasons I started "Dear Bro Jo" in the first place.

IMHO . . .

Yes, you need to chill.

Yes, he's lousy at dating and yes, his recent missionary service is likely a factor.

I have no idea if he cares anymore, but the truth is that it doesn't sound like he knows either. I can almost guarantee you that if you over pursue him (your roommates were totally wrong to have you text him, and you can tell them I said so) you'll drive him away (guys think that girls who chase them have no value and low self esteem). You NEVER should have hung out with this guy at your apartment (now you know). A park, at school, going for a walk . . . all better choices.  Guys need to DATE you, not hang out at your place.

What he's doing is figuring out how he's supposed to behave. Just a short while ago he wasn't allowed to be alone with a girl; now he feels pressure to get married. Talk about going from 0 to 60!

Things progressed VERY weirdly . . . but not unusually.

Maybe he likes you. Maybe he doesn't. Maybe his friends have told him not to get to serious with anyone so soon after coming back. Maybe he's freaked out by how much he likes you.

Who knows?

Well . . . actually . . . he does.

Which leads us to what you can do, and you can do it because he did it first. The next time you see him, pull him aside and give him a little education.

"Hey, you're the one that asked me where this was going after I'd known you five days. Now you're giving me the cold shoulder. I'm not saying I expect anything from you, but I think you owe me the courtesy and respect of telling me what's going on here."

Even the best guys need to be taught how to talk to and treat a woman.

Communication is the key.

And remember: we guys are simple creatures who, frankly, aren't all that bright. This is all a big deal to you, and rightfully so, but you can't expect that he has any clue how you feel or what you're thinking.

Next month Sister Jo and I will celebrate our 20th anniversary. We talk for hours every day and go on at least one date a week. We know each other better than we know anyone else; Sister Jo has lived with me longer than she lived at home with her parents.

And yet I still have not developed the ability to read her mind.

Don't guess. Don't fall for the drama.

Just talk to the guy.

- Bro Jo