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Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Cheese Update - Part 3 (Cheese Checking In and Telling It Like It Is)

Dear Readers,

Three days of "Cheese" updates, three days in a row. 

This is Part 3.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Guess what!

I've been 16 for WEEKS now, and have been on actual, live dates! Hooray!

Most of them have been amazing and fun and wonderful and praiseworthy and of good report and lovely. In the course of such dates, though, I've had a few "stinkers" from which I've learned some things that you might want to share with your readers, particularly the young men. So, without further is:

Cheese's List of 
"What not to do when going out on a date with Mac, Cheese, or any other high school girl"

1. Don't lie! One guy asked me on a date by whining to my mom that he had asked me out every weekend for a month and claimed I had told him I was busy every time. In reality he had asked me to "hang out" once, and I couldn't because I had a game to cheer at. Um...first off, I don't "hang out' with guys. (Bro Jo says not to.) But second, and more important, just don't lie. Not cool. (And bonus uncool points for crying to Mommy about it. Seriously!)

2. Have a plan. Bro Jo says to.  A guy once showed up at my house with no double and no plan, and said he wanted to "spend some time, just the two of us alone." I guess he *may* have had a plan in mind, but not one that *I* was ok with. I walked him to the door and said "If you can get a double in the next few minutes, I'd love to still go out with you." Funny thing...within about 20 minutes he managed to find one. Miracles can happen for the motivated.

3. Don't change plans. But if you must change plans, let me know! One kid showed up for the date TWO HOURS early! It was for a day date, too, so he arrived at ten a.m. instead of noon. PLEASE! I want to look nice for you! I need time to get "cutified" (as my little sister would say.) Which brings me to #4....

4. Personal Hygiene . . . get some. The guy who showed up in an undershirt, who had come straight from the gym... uh... Y'all, I don't care how much you work out and how many abs you have...I DO NOT want to smell you right after the workout! (Ok...I maybe *do* care a little about how much you work out, and the abs and stuff...but SHOWER!)

It's really best if your car is clean, too--not just tidy and vacuumed, but also keep the music clean and at a volume where we can hear each other. It's hard for me to keep you smiling and laughing if we can't have a conversation.

5. Don't ditch me for another girl in the middle of the date. This hasn't actually happened to me, but it happened to my friend. If you don't want to go out with me, DON'T ASK! I promise I'll spend the whole date paying attention to you. You should return the favor.

6. Hand will know if I want to. Promise. If I am sitting on my hands, don't make a grab for them! Kissing...uh, yeah, again, you will know. But if you're not sure, ask. It's sweet and adorable. Making out...not with me, not with the girl you ditched me for. And certainly not with the candy bar you bought from a vending machine to demonstrate your patented technique. You have ruined snickers bars for me forever.

7. Don't confess your sins to me. I do not need or want to know that you are a porn addict, or gay, or what you have done with previous girls, or...any of that. It makes me want to run away screaming! Tell it to your bishop and/or parents. That's what I'm gonna try to convince you to do anyway.

8. Don't ask me to be your girlfriend, wait for you while you're on your mission, or marry you. (Seriously, Bro Jo, I've had all of these things happen to me in the last few weeks; what is WRONG with these guys? Why would they do that? Why do they turn crazy/stupid when talking to girls?)

The answer's gonna be "NO!" and then my friends, mother, and I will mock you mercilessly behind your back for weeks. I'm SIXTEEN! Why would I waste my most fun dating years by putting myself in some kind of lockdown? Casual group dates are awesome! I love them! Girls in "relationships" never get to go on them. If for some reason you find yourself uncontrollably, madly in love with me, take a deep breath and...go out with someone else. We can always go out again later when you've got it under control.

That's pretty much it. I'll get you a list of all the GREAT things that guys have done WELL soon, too. Because there are lots of them, and good stuff is worth copying/stealing, right?

I hope everything's going great for you & your family & that y'all have a merry christmas!


Dear Cheese,

As I know you know, sometimes I get letters from young people who are struggling with what, in a spiritual sense, we might call "big ticket items". I don't mind, and hope I'm being helpful, but it can be a bit . . . well, let's just say that some of them weigh pretty heavy on the soul. You're email brought some much appreciated joy and laughter!

A brilliantly written and humorous dose of reality that I hope many boys AND girls will enjoy and learn from. Thank you for sharing it with me, and for allowing me to share it with my readers.

Merry Christmas!

Best to you and your family,

(Tell Chunka I hope he's paying attention!)

- Bro Jo

PS:  For the record, I have NO IDEA what the heck is wrong with some of these guys (see esp. #8, above) other than their fathers and YM leaders have done a lousy job of training them (or, perhaps, haven't trained them at all).


Jdawg, aka "Der Schwarzhund" said...

While this had me chuckling, it baffles me that guys actually do this stuff. I'm 22 now, but even when I was 16, I would have never done these things on a date. I think these boys need what I had- older sisters who make sure they know better. I have had dozens of lectures from my two sisters about how to treat girls, and I'm quite frankly glad they did.

Big Sis said...

I agree with Jdawg. I think us sisters of brothers (big and small, they all need it) need to help them realize that a man does not need to do any of these things. He is hot- rockin'-socks -awesome enough just for being a real man. I'm trying to be a good sister to my brothers. Why don't we all try it?

Kate said...

Haha, my younger brother calls me his Dating and Texting Coach. I'm happy to say he's had a winning first season.

Anonymous said...

#6 Cracked me up! Loved it! These are awesome! More guys need to see this.