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Wednesday, May 16, 2012

Making Excuses?

Dear Bro Jo

I am a little older than the normal demographic you get emails from.

I'm a SA, who surprisingly is single. I also have a number of single friends who are in a similar age range (31-40).

Now, I live in a country town, with a small ward about an hour’s drive from the stake centre. There are no active YSA/SA men in this ward.

None, not a one.

My friends and I go to SA, Stake and ward activities. We are all temple members, who are trying our best to do the right thing. We are also all looking for a date, just to start with. Just one would be lovely.

Of course we are all looking for Temple Marriage, but a couple of dates would be an awesome start. The problem is, it feels like we don't fit what the SA guys are looking for. It's like guys are looking for the perfect wife, who also happens to be tall, skinny and blonde. A trophy wife.

Now I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with my friends and I, but it is difficult to get the guys to pay us a little attention. We certainly aren't unfortunate looking. We can be totally independent, we can change washers in toilet cisterns, kill spiders and catch mice on our own. Perhaps we are too independent . . . I have been told that I need to act more helpless.

I don't understand what guys our age are looking for in a girl and I don't think it get any easier as you get older. In fact I'm sure it gets harder.

We have all had some attention from guys almost old enough to be our fathers. Which in itself is totally creepy!

We all work hard in our chosen career's, we attend church, we have callings that we perform as best we can, we attend the temple when we can. And if I say so myself, I think we would all make wonderful mothers. But it seems like trying to get someone our age to ask us out on a date is harder and more difficult than pulling teeth. We have all tried to help each other with guys we fancy, but the guys only seem to want to know our slimmer friends.

I think we have tried just about everything, just to be knocked back. Our egos and spirits can't take much more. We were hoping that you might have some other ideas on how we can get some dates. We are all happy to drive to the guy if they ask us out, as it would be a lot to ask them to pick us up, if we lived an hour’s drive away. We are even happy to pay.

So Bro Jo if you have some more ideas we will happily try them out!

Thank you,

Single Sistas

Dear Single,

Oh . . . I have several ideas . . . but you may not like them . . .

First thing you need to do is MOVE.

I just ran some posts on the Facebook page regarding some complaints I have from Single Guys in the 29-37 range who live in Provo. They all say their are "no Single Sisters near their age" in greater Utah County. Even if that's an exaggeration, the axiom holds true: instead of complaining that there's no water in the desert, get yourself to the lake or the ocean or a mountain stream!

If you chose to stay where there's no water, well . . . all I can tell you then is you better get used to being thirsty.

Secondly, you better learn to accept that women in their 30's are not the same as 19-21 year old girls. YSA's and guys who just came home from their missions aren't your target market anymore. If you're 35, then a guy that's 50 isn't too old for you, but a guy that's 25 is too young. Typically.

Third, stop complaining about the stuff you can't change and consider changing the stuff you can.

Fourth, learn how to attract a man. I'm sorry your mothers failed you miserably (or perhaps you just ignored their wise counsel), but let me clue you in: fixing toilets, killing spiders and catching mice are not high on many guy's "I'm looking for that in a woman" list; the two things every guy needs in a girl is someone who appreciates him and someone who encourages him. Whoever told you to "act helpless" is, well . . . to be candid but kind, totally wrong. Guys don't want you to be helpless, but they do want you to care about turning them on.

Look, I wrote this for teens, but it applies to women of all ages - check it out:


No one says you have to look like a Supermodel (who, take it from a guy who dated a few actresses and models, don't really look like everyone thinks they do anyway) but rare is the person who couldn't do a little something to improve their appearance. Stop complaining that guys only like "skinny girls" (not true, by the way - take a good look around the Church, my friend) and Do Something.

If you're out of shape, then go get some exercise! Stop eating processed garbage! Be active!

Feed your "slimmer friends" some Twinkies and go for a run!

Or a hike, or a swim, or take a spinning class.

And never, Never, NEVER pay for a guy to take you out. Don't reimburse him for gas, don't offer to meet him half way . . . make guys EARN time with you, teach them that you're worth the drive, the sacrifice, and the dough.

But, seriously . . . Move.

Oh, and as Sister Jo always says: if you want to feel better about yourself then go be of Selfless Service to someone else.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Okay. Firstly, I do agree with you on all points (can you hear the but coming), but... without giving away personal situations, one of us can't move due to family issues and the other two of us are locked into work contracts right now. I would love to meet some of those single guys in the Provo area! Can you send some of those guys over to OZ? I will admit I personally have thought of moving to more hydrated areas, the timing just has to be right.

I have never chased guys who are younger than me, I always found them to be too immature. I can't remember the last YSA activity I went to, I go to SA things, feel more comfortable there. Another one of us is also looking for older guys, and the last person in the group is open to all ages. At 30, 50 might be pushing the age limit for me just a little. lol

When I was 19, I had no problems attracting men, but now that I'm older the situation seems to be much harder. I will admit I don't know how to attract a man anymore. I'm not as outgoing as I used to be. I think we have become independent, because we have had to, but personally, I know I'm way to independent. I think acting helpless means getting them to help with things, like killing spiders. I do care about turning men on, but how to do that is beyond me now. I don't get the opportunity to show guys that I'm caring, that I will support and encourage them. I don't know how to show them at SA convention. Really I'm totally clueless about men now and I don't think I'm the only one in the group. Do men change as they get older, or am I just expecting them to expect more?

We all take pride in our appearance. We dress nicely, our hair is nicely done. In my opinion, I think we look good. lol (We have had men tell us we look good). Yes, I do personally need to lose some weight! And I'm in the process of doing that. But I still look good. I said guys only like skinny girls because that's the way it appears. Only the skinny girls get dates.

It is not too much to expect a guy to drive over an hour (country drive not city drive) to pick us up and then drive us home? We live just over an hour from our stake centre and many SA live another hour away. I honestly don't mean to make excuses, I just don't know what to do. And I know the other SA feel the same.

I can almost hear your reply. STOP MAKING EXCUSES! Perhaps we are making things more difficult for ourselves without even knowing it. I'm not worried if 'he' is an RM, but he needs to be an active worthy priesthood holder and he must have a job. The rest will come. I will be organizing us girls to go to the temple more often next year. I will make sure I share your list How a Girl can get a Boys attention. That might be enough.

I hope this doesn't seem too disjointed, I blame shift work. :) lol

Thank you,

Single Sistas

Dear Single,

I drove 2-3 hours EACH WAY for most of my dates with Sister Jo. It was worth every mile.

Oh, and lest I forget . . .



- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

Bro Jo...

How do YSA/SA's keep themselves from becoming:
1) bitter about singlehood,
2)cynical about the (young) single adult program, and
3)apathetic towards marriage?

Why do people say that single men over 25 are a menace to society? ... Does that apply to us ladies as well?

I'd hate to think that single people have an expiration date and go sour after a certain age. I don't want that to be my future. ... Erm, present.



Bro Jo said...

Dear Lemons,

1) Service
2) Service
3) Service

"People" are quoting Brigham Young, who said that A LONG time ago. It got more traction a few years ago when Great-Great-how-ever-many-great Grandson Steve said it in an interview. FYI - he was over 25 and single at the time - he's not now.

I'm not certain that the exact age applies now, but I think the sentiment (as I understand it) does: I think President Young meant that anyone who is living their life selfishly putting themselves ahead of others, choosing a lifestyle over service and sacrifice, and that perhaps being manifested as them avoiding marriage or turning off good prospects, doesn't have their heart and head in the right place as a disciple of Christ.

And in that vein, I'd say "yes", it applies to everyone.

I don't think Single People sour, I think many sour people stay single though.

As I've said . . . OFTEN . . . if you don't like the way things are going in your life, don't complain . . . make a change.

Single or married, you have control over your own attitude.

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

You do realize that Brigham Young NEVER actually said that? I've challenged everyone who has ever used this quote to prove it with a reputable source, but as yet nobody has successfully done so.
Perhaps you could be the first Bro Jo?
Apart from that, good comment.