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Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Lost in a Relationship with a Non-member Girl - Part 2

Dear Bro Jo,

I appreciate what you have to say. I'll hold unto this and read it often so I can really ingest it... Let me make sure we're on the same page... Does cuddling include having my arm around her, holding her, head on shoulder? I don't know all the boundaries... I want to make sure I have it clear...

Second, I haven't ever kissed her, nor have I ever cuddled with her under blankets in the dark. In all honesty, there were two occasions that Satan and lust had influence on our interactions, but we used those experiences to prevent lust from entering again and all other occasions have just been fun and emotions-involved physical interaction, instead of sexually involved physical interaction... I want to know how bad of shape I'm in. We've never taken off clothes or anything, but I know some of interactions were definitely... lustful...

Third, I've talked to her about this somewhat already and we've established a little distance, but... I guess I've gotten into a habit of having claim to her and being able to hold her... This is very hard... I feel a missing spot where she was, and I'm used to the physical comfort and caring I felt with her... I'll turn from this, but I need help.

How do I fill the spaces? How do I feel better?

I know she's hurting and it's hurting me and sometimes I wonder what the heck I'm doing.

Help me... I don't know what to do.

This is very hard.

I see her at school and wish I could let the other guys know that are flirting with her that she's mine... I know I need to let go of these emotions, but it is so hard.

The world teaches that this love is one of the few things to be truly valued in life. I'm feeling all sorts of emotions right now. Anger, hurt, sorrow, and just too much pain... I've tried to alleviate some of this pain by playing card games with a different girl, who is LDS, but I'm usually just 'hanging out' with (Girl #1) one and one, as well... I don't know what to do.

I'm probably being illogical and unreasonable, but emotions aren't usually either. I'll pray for comfort, protection, and strength, please pray for me. I want to give you a name to pray for. My name is (withheld).

Part of me wants some sort of physical closeness and finds comfort in that and in the one on one time I have with this other girl, (Girl #2) ... I thought my relationship with Girl #2 was healthy and happy, but I 'hang out' with her, one-on-one sometimes, just playing cards games.

Will I be able to feel whole in Casual Group Dating?

I don't know what to do with my anger or frustration either. I know you're not a therapist, but the last therapist I had gave me counsel against church doctrine anyway.

You are a parent, a faithful member, and a inspired seminary teacher, and I want your perspective.

I'm extremely attracted to her and sometimes that probably gets in the way of my better judgment, but what am I supposed to do with that attraction?

It seems so stupid... I just want to stay away from her altogether so I don't have to deal with it. I text her and miss the closeness we could have. I know she's being hurt, too, and she doesn't even have the truth of the gospel to help her. I'm kind sick of this world. It's interesting to think we jumped for joy to come here, but I guess it's worth it, in the end... I just want to be married with a family already, have all this teenage stuff be over with.

I'm willing to be completely faithful to my wife, whoever she is, but sometimes I just wish I was married already... I'm ready for the happiness of a family. I'm ready for that life.

Why do I have to mess around in this in-between age of immaturity and stupid decisions? I don't know. It's God's plan. He knows best. Life is just... life.

I think this is bad, and I'm a young man born in the covenant to a family with the truth. I have the priesthood and the Holy Ghost, and yet my life is hard. What about all those who've never known the truth?

Some mess, huh?

I was going to go hang out with Girl #2 and just play card games like I have before, but now I'm worried that I'm doing something wrong in my relationship with her... We've read scriptures and gone to the temple together on occasions, for goodness sake. I'll just pray and read my scriptures and do my homework, and see if that lifts my spirits.

How do I help people that don't know the specific dating standards as well as you do? Many a friend I have that's heart is damaged and they sacrifice their soul, not knowing the true damage of what they're doing. Teenagers need the standards of the church... for their own happiness. They need them bad, but if they don't accept it, I guess they'll learn things on their own. How many souls will we lose because of it?

What do I do about Girl #1? Just give her up?

Why does the world place love on such a high pedestal?

Why are there so many songs, movies, and books about it?

Some seem to call it the pinnacle of human experience and the only thing worth chasing, yet I went horribly wrong while lending an ear to my heart. I'm just ready for that to actually be allowed. For love and emotional intimacy to be acceptable and encouraged with a girl. I can't wait to go on my mission, but that's still... 3 years from now? It seems like a long wait...

It's frustrating...

Thank you for letting me talk to you.

This has done more good for me than... a lot of other things...


Dear Lost,

At your age, in my opinion, anything more than a quick standing-up hug to say hello or good bye is too much. The holding should stop.

Believe me, I totally understand how cool it is but, for all the reasons you've mentioned, no more holding.

I don't think you're in that bad of shape; what you're feeling is not only real, it's totally normal. But on some levels you're using her as an emotional crutch (and she's probably using you too) - that's why you feel so attached. It's reassuring and . . . as I said, it feels nice. But, as you know, while you haven't done anything yet, the emotions cloud the morality line. Over time, if not checked, that line will get even more difficult to see.

If you look and listen closely, the world doesn't push love, it pushes sex.

You'll have plenty of time for love, as you mentioned, just a few short years from now. (Look at it this way: sure 3-5 years seems far, but look at how fast the last 5 years of gone!)

It's not THAT big of a mess. Take a deep breath. You'll be fine.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

There are two different girls, Girl #1 and Girl #2...

Girl #1 is the non-member who I've cuddled with too much and such...

Girl #2 is a member that I know pretty well...

The other question I was wondering about... is it okay to 'hang out' and play card games with Girl #2?

That seems to help me feel better...

All we do is play cards and talk... it is one-on-one, but her family's home...

Is this is a problem, or are casual dates just better?



Dear Lost,

Got it. Two girls.

At your age the "hang out" isn't too bad (not recommended for YSAs). Yeah, Casual Group Dates are better. Even Group Game Night Parties are better than the one-on-one hang out.

Does that make sense?

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Yep, that helps a lot.

- No Longer Lost


Anonymous said...

Honestly, I think the best thing you can do when you're a teen is figure out the type of person you want to be- that's not connected to someone else. You have most of your life to be close to one other person, but you have right now to worry about you. There's a lot of freedom in that. Play sports, join clubs, read interesting novels, be involved in church activities, build your relationship with your immediate family, and once in a while, go out on a group date and don't take it too seriously. You have the rest of your life for that and you'll have a lot less time to explore your own interests.

The most boring people in high school are the ones with a steady girl/boyfriend who don't have anything else to talk about. Not saying you're that guy, but you could be.

Dave Johnston said...

Great points!

"You're not bored . . . you're boring" - Bro Jo