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Monday, December 2, 2013

Should She Ask Him Out?

Dear Bro Jo,

So hey Bro Jo, I’m 18 and have never really been on a date yet (which is not really important) and I really like this guy from my ward.

He’s an RM which I wrote to while on his mission even though at that point I never met him before, but I did it because his family moved into the ward and stake and I figured that because he was new I’d make friends with him before he came back so at least he would feel more at home.

We usually go FHE and other YSA events together normally just us two and while doing that I really developed feelings for him because:

1. I felt the spirit really strongly and when I really talked to him for the first time we were alone, which I’ve never really felt when talking to a guy about general things. 
2. Whenever I tell myself that I should just give up and move on it never happens even how hard I try.
3. He makes me want to become a better person and I’ve realized I’ve matured somewhat because of how he’s made me look at things in a different light.  For example before him I would always like guys who are “hot” which was really shallow and immature of me but with him I don’t really care what he really looks like because his personality what’s really the reason I like him so much.

The question I have for you is should I ask him on a date?

My friends think he likes me too, but I’m not sure because I sometimes think he likes my friend which everyone denies... but on the other hand, as I have said my friends say he likes me and I have sometimes caught him taking cheeky glances at me but I have no idea what’s going on.

Anyway back to the point should I ask him on a date because I know that he can be shy too and also the worst scenario is if I don’t ask him out he might go with another girl...?

Please help.

- Confused British Girl

Dear Briton,


You shouldn't ask him out; you need to get him to ask you.

It’s simple, really.

You just say "hey, are you ever going to ask me out on a date?"

That's it.

And if he doesn't ask you, stop wasting your time with him and move on.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Okay thank you Bro Jo!

May I ask why it is important not to ask a boy out.. is it maybe it's not very lady like?

- Briton

Dear Briton,

It may not be "fair" or "right", but when a girl asks a guy out he immediately labels her as either desperate or aggressive.

For Good Guys being asked out is a huge turn-off; except for a traditional girl-ask-guy event (and even then its better if the girl asks a guy that has already taken her out), otherwise it’s always bad for a girl to do the asking.

Guys need to operate under the illusion that we're in-charge.

Sad game playing?

I don't think so.

I think it's just understanding how guys and girls work.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Hey Bro Jo thanks for the advice and I haven't asked him out, but I did tell him I liked him which lead to him rejecting me and now he doesn't really talk to me.. but life goes on and I'll get over it

- Briton

Dear Briton,

Telling him you like him is not what I suggested you do, but at least now you know where you stand and can move on.

And that's a good thing.

- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

I think it would be very flattering to be asked out by a girl. I don't really believe that makes me a "bad guy," nor do I think it makes the girl desperate or overly aggressive. I think that kind of confidence is very attractive, actually.

Michael said...

I'm an active RM who has always tried to follow the rules, and I've been asked out by girls on several occasions. Every time, I've felt flattered and the attraction level I felt for the girl increased. Maybe I'm weird Brojo, or maybe I'm not very 'manly,' but that's the way my emotions moved.

I've seen you give this advice several times, and each time I feel like you're either 1)discounting men like me or 2)implying that I am somehow inferior for some reason to men who feel less attraction for a girl who asks him out. That's why I, respectfully, request you alter the language of your standard response to be a bit more inclusive.

On the whole, I think that you offer beneficial advice to people who need some guidance. Thanks for that.

Michael said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Bro Jo said...


You're welcome. Thank you for your comments.

You shouldn't concern yourself with what I or anyone else may think of you. You are, by the way, assuming some inferences that aren't necessarily true.

My opinions typically don't change by request, but I appreciate the sentiment.

Curious though: what is it about a girl asking you out that elevates her attractiveness in your eyes?

Bro Jo

Michael said...

I don't know. I've never asked myself that question.

I suppose it's related to the fact that I like ambitious girls. I feel a lot of attraction when I see a girl who takes control of her surroundings and changes them. I think I like that because I instantly respect a person who can do that. I guess, for me, any attraction beyond the physical is closely related to how much I respect a girl and her opinions.

Also, I tend to value pragmatism over tradition in my own life. I suppose I figure that any girl who is willing to ask me out will also be more prone to not sacrifice utility for convention.

It's okay with me if you don't change the way you express that thought (though I do hope you'll at least consider it). The main reason I commented was because I figured you were unaware that men like me existed.

Thank you for responding!

Bro Jo said...

I find ambition and confidence attractive, too. I also like opinionated and outspoken. I think that may be universal.

I submit that when a girl asks a guy out it's not necessarily a sign of ambition or taking control. Often, as evident from the letters I get (like this one posted here), it's an act of desperation, exhibiting a lack of control, and even a frustration with that lack of control, over the situation.

Respect isn't just key in attraction, it's a required prerequisite to love.

I'd further argue that tradition is the definition of being "pragmatic", or rather the result of. I think they can be codependent.

Thank you for your understanding; the world is full of all kinds of people; not agreeing on all things is not a denial or lack of understanding of your existence.

Not in my world, anyway.


- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

I have to say... I am rather offended by the notion that women need to "make men feel like they are in charge" that feels SO offensive. That attitude is what leads to so many girls feeling like they have to give into sex or that keeps girls quiet when they are being sexually abused. They need to be quiet to make the man feel more manly because that is just the way men and women work. That is sick to me. Feeding into the gender complex that currently exists feeds a sick system of abuse. Men don't need to feel like they are in charge. They need to feel like they are equal. If dating is about finding a spouse I wouldn't want to be dating under the pretense that "the man is in charge" because what does that mean for marriage?

Bro Jo said...

I'm sorry that you're offended.

Reminding girls that they have power is not something that leads to them thinking they have to give into sex or be quiet when they are being abused, sexually or any other kind.

I've never told a girl, of any age, to be quiet or to take abuse. Quite the opposite, actually.

There are two types of people that have a problem with this how I feel about this:

women who misunderstand the power that they have and that I'm suggesting they use,

and men who like women to do the asking because they think it's easier.

Both want to weave something into what I'm saying that isn't there.

Women already have power, and when they ask guys out they're not using it, they're giving it away.

Only a weak man or a desperate woman feels that women should have less power.

Sister Jo is in charge, but she let's me think I am. That's equal, my friend.

- Bro Jo