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Wednesday, December 4, 2013

The Break Up

Dear Bro Jo,

You may need to read my previous e-mails to you for a refresher on my situation. :)

In my last e-mail to you, I expressed my concern that my boyfriend wasn't kissing me.

It was a very strange thing, because I would have thought that normally the opposite would be true.

Don't girls usually have to keep guys' hands and lips off them?

Anyway, I didn't think it was that bad of a thing, and that maybe I was just blessed with a great guy who respected me.

Well, after 2 months of dating, to the day actually, he finally kissed me 2 weeks ago (after much prodding by me).

I'll admit I came off as a little desperate, but I figured it was time.

Once he made up his mind that he wanted to, he didn't have any problems kissing me every night after that. 

And it was great!

I finally thought things were going well that that he'd decided that he really liked me.

He met my parents that next weekend, and they all had good feelings about him.

I started to think that we were headed toward marriage.

I had such a peaceful feeling about it, and knew that he was a great guy that I could spend the rest of my life with.

The Monday after he'd met my parents, I found out, even though he'd been trying to hide it, that he was fasting.

It crossed my mind that he might be fasting about our relationship, but I couldn't be sure, and didn't think too much about it.

Sunday night he'd come over late in the night to give me some advice since I'd been feeling stressed with school, and that endeared him to me more.

Everything he was doing came across to me as more and more positive.

He kissed me a lot Tuesday night, and I was finally starting to get over the weirdness of kissing and really liking it.

To me that meant that things were good and I didn't have anything to worry about. I didn't see him Wednesday night, but he acted as if he wanted to talk to me but I couldn't because I went to a concert with another friend.

The next day he asked if we could go on a walk, which is what we do when one of us wants to talk.

I was initially worried by it, but he hadn't given me any reason to worry, so I brushed that feeling off.

We went on the walk and talked and joked and laughed like normal for an hour and a half before I made him tell me what he had to say.

He said that he thought our timing had been off and, at least for now, he just wanted to be friends.

I was completely shocked and surprised!

He hadn't given me any sign that this is what he'd been thinking.

I didn't have much to say, except that I wasn't sure I'd be willing to try again in the future like he said we might.

He said he just hadn't been able to put himself fully into the relationship even though he was trying, and basically he didn't want to keep me waiting anymore.

He hadn't seen any red flags in our relationship, which is why he was so surprised when he came to the conclusion to break up with me.

I think it was also in answer to his prayers about us.

I was just so confused because my feelings and impressions had been going in the complete opposite direction.

Why would we be receiving such different answers to our prayers?

It made me start to doubt the feelings I'd been receiving.

But then it also made me wonder if he was just getting scared and this was a cop-out.

So, without rambling on too much more, my question is:  how do I best move on?

I know that I shouldn't hold on to the hope that he'll change his mind. I also want to believe that he doesn't deserve me if he can just drop me like that.

But it's so hard to think clearly when all I want is things to get back to normal.

I've been actually doing pretty well, considering the situation . . . Conference gave me a good boost, and I definitely felt the sustaining power of the Spirit helping to comfort me all weekend.

To add to the complications, we have a class we are taking together, and he wants to continue studying together, because we both need it.

Also, I'm the Relief Society president and he's the Elder's Quorum president in our ward.

My mom tells me that a clean break is best, and she wants me to try as much as I can for that, but it's not possible in our situation.

What do you think the best thing for me to do is?

Sorry to bother you with this, but I am just grasping at all the advice I can get.

Thanks in advance,

- RSP




Dear RSP,

I had something similar happen once. I was dating a girl and I thought everything was going pretty well.

We both worked at the same amusement park and had been dating for about a month. 

We had an after-work go into the amusement park and I'd buy her dinner date planned.

I saw her at work, and we chatted pleasantly for a minute or two about our date that night.

We set a time and location to meet that night since we had slightly different shifts.

Besides, she said, she wanted to run home and change into something nicer for our date.

That was the last time I ever saw her.

She no-call no-showed for our date.

I waited for quite a while, then got pretty worried.

I found a phone and called her house (this is before cell phones, mind you).

Her mom said she was out with friends.

I was pretty upset, but I figured I'd see her the next day and we could talk about it.

She never came to work again.

She never answered my calls.

I went by her house a couple times and no one answered the door.

Finally, this one time, her mom came to the door to tell me that the daughter didn't want to see me again (it had been several weeks since we'd planned our date).  Before her mom opened the door I could hear her encouraging the daughter to come talk to me.

She didn't.

I told her mom I'd been freaking out worried if the daughter was okay, and that if she didn't want to see me again that the least she could do is tell me why.

The mom disagreed, but she did take a letter I'd written for the daughter and promised to give it to her. 

That's it.

Never an explanation.

Nothing.

The last time I saw her, we were a happy couple planning a fun evening. . . .

The only thing that makes stuff like this a little easier to live with is time.

Well . . . time and finding someone else to spend your romantic moments with.

As for your particular situation, I'd spend whatever time you have to with him at Church, but outside of Church I think you should cut him off completely.

I have no idea what this coward's problem is, but you're right: you'll never change his mind.

He might change his own mind, and perhaps if he does he'll beg you to come back to him.

Whether or not you do might depend on how good the begging is, how you feel about him at the time, and whether or not you're still single.

Get a different study buddy.

Tell him that you're not his consolation prize and that he needs to go out and make a new friend; you have no more time to waste waiting around for him to get a clue.

Seriously.

Cut him off.

If you don't he'll continue to use you as his no-commitment companion and you'll continue to be hung up on him.

- Bro Jo




Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks.

That's exactly what I needed to hear.

I didn't want to hear it, but you're right.

I just wanted so badly to be his friend, probably because I'm still holding on to the hope that things will work out again.

I'm realizing now that I need to cut him off because it just hurts too much to see him when things aren't the same.

And I can't be his no-commitment companion anymore.

I see now that's exactly what he wants.

He wants to keep me on the back burner. I need to have more respect for myself than that.

Thanks. So much.

- A




Dear A,

Maybe he'll smarten up one day . . . If he's lucky it will happen while you're still available, and if he's blesses you'll be inspired to give him a second chance . . . if he begs satisfactorily enough! But you're under no obligation to stay available or take him back.

Happy to help any time.

- Bro Jo

1 comment:

Megan said...

I think, from what was shared, he did give several red flags that something was wrong from the very beginning and no one deserves that.

Him not wanting to kiss you signals that he's not really that into you or something is up and he just doesn't want to tell you.

The fact that he didn't tell you from the beginning says a lot too. Sometimes people think that not talking in a relationship means that he doesn't want to hurt you. In some ways that's true, but if he really wanted the relationship to work, the best way for that to happen is if he communicated with you.

But everyone deserves someone who'll respect them and love them. It's not going to be easy, but as long as you stay close to your heavenly father, he'll make you stronger.