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Wednesday, March 5, 2014

Is She Being Shallow?

Dear Bro Jo,

Hello.

I'm 17 and I'm not looking for a boyfriend or anything but lately I've been faced with the situation where these two boys seemed interested in me but I don't feel the same way.

One of them actually asked me out but I told him I just wasn't ready and I also barely knew him.

The other guy tried to be my friend and I actually found him to be very fun to talk to but I pushed him away at the same time.

My friends believe I push them away because I'm shallow and you know what?

I think I am.

I'm not saying I'm the best-looking girl out there or anything in order to look down on people but I also believe a boy should try to at least make an effort to look presentable.

The first boy honestly freaked me out because he followed me around for a while instead of just talking to me.

The second one, as much fun as I had talking to him, there's some things that just bother me, like when he chews... close your mouth dude.

I honestly believe in liking a person for who they are on the inside and I might have actually liked the second guy if he only took a little more care of himself.

I guess my questions really is: am I too shallow and demanding or is it too much to ask for a guy to also try to be presentable?

Thank you and sorry for the long/confusing email.

- Shallow?




Dear S,

Shallow or not, I think you've missed some opportunities.

As my oldest daughter and her friends get closer to dating age I've been giving more and more thought to this concern that you all have : what if a guy asks you out and you don't want to go out with him?

And some of their reasons, like yours, are honest and real.

What if :
He's obnoxious?  
He smells bad?  
He's expecting this to be a relationship, or worse : he's expecting something physical?  
What if he isn't ... well, you know, part if the same social group at school? (Because, let's be honest, if it gets out that you went on a date with some of these guys it could send rumors and have negative social repercussions for years!)  
What if he's a creeper?  
Or a stalker?  
Or what it he's just plain scary? 

Right?

Sister Jo and I think Good Guys, including ours, need to be asking girls on Casual Group Dates, but they have A Lot of control over whom they ask.

Except for using things like Bro Jo's How a Girl Can Get a Guy to Ask Her on a Date, you girls are kind of at the mercy of whomever asks.

But does that mean that you have to go out with every guy that asks, regardless of how much a loser he is?

I think the answer to that can vary with who's asking and why exactly he's a Bad Dude.

Anyone creepy or scary, any kind of stalker, anyone who seriously makes you afraid for your safety (no, not the safety of your social circle) is automatically off the list.

But once we scratch off those guys, I think everyone decent is entitled to a Casual Group Date.

If Mr. Chews with His Mouth Full is willing to put forth the effort and follow the rules and plan something fun with fun people, then you should go.

And there are things you can do to influence the date.

1.  Insist that one of the girls in the group is one of your fun and trusted friends.

2.  Tell him you'll go if he promises to use his manners, including not showing you his food, and treat you well. Heck, you could be preemptive with that habit. The next time he does it tell him "you know, you'd be a lot cuter if you didn't talk with your mouth full ". (Girls have power over boys ...it's true!)

3.  You can also tell boys when the ask for dates what your standards and expectations are.

Be Up-front! 

There's nothing wrong with letting him know that you don't kiss on the first date, or that you'd love to go but you're not interested in having a boyfriend.

At this point in life, look for ways to make dates work, ways to have fun, not excuses not to go.

Because, if you don't change that, little sister, you may find that guys stop asking.

- Bro Jo

1 comment:

emily said...

This is very true, Bro. Jo! Your last 2 lines "At this point in life, look for ways to make dates work, ways to have fun, not excuses not to go. Because, if you don't change that, little sister, you may find that guys stop asking." I know a lot of girls say that no one is asking them on dates, and how upset they are about it (myself included), but the girl really has a lot to do with it as well! Sometimes you really just need to have an open mind with who you choose to go on dates with. If you push everyone away and don't put yourself out there, the guys really will stop coming around. Sometimes I think our expectations/current desires prevent really good friendships, relationships, and experiences from happening, and it's really quite a shame. I speak from experience!