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Friday, September 18, 2015

Her Boyfriend Has an Internet Girlfriend

Dear Bro Jo,

I just found out that my boyfriend had an inappropriate cyber relationship with a 17 year old before we became a couple.

He still talks with her from time to time.

It's not my place to judge him and he seems repentant, but I wonder if I can date someone who has happily accepted child pornography.

- The Worried Girlfriend

Dear Worried,

1. You can date whomever you want, but you're not very bright if you keep dating this guy.

2. This is not an issue of faith in the atonement or "judging" people. You're not judging him, you're judging his foolish, dangerous, criminal behavior. It's called "discernment" and it's a Gift of the Spirit that allows good people to avoid evil.

3. This guy's behavior is evil. There IS NO gray area.

4. I don't think he has stopped virtually raping this girl - not that she cares - I don't think she's the only one, and I don't think you know the full extent of his problems.

The fact that he's still in contact with her makes it clear to me he NOT repentant (repentance includes turning away and forsaking the sin); knowing that and still dating him doesn't say much about your ability to evaluate character.

5. This guy is not worth one more second of your time. No explanation to him is necessary.

6. If you care anything about other human beings you'll tell someone in authority about this creep right away, before he harms more young people. If all of that sounds harsh ... well... it's supposed to.

This is a big deal and your blindness needs to stop.

- Bro Jo

Dear Bro Jo,

Sorry, I was misinformed.

She's actually 18.

I guess it wasn't as serious as I thought it was.

- Worried

Dear Worried,

Are you kidding me???

Whether she's 18 or 17 . . .it doesn't change anything!

He may not be a "child" pornographer ... that we know of ... but he still had a porn problem.

And he LIES to you. (If he's your only source for her age, I wouldn't believe him.)

And, perhaps most importantly, HE'S STILL IN A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER.

You deserve better.

- Bro Jo


Bro Jo said...


I received a comment on this post that I think deserves attention and response. Because the writer used his name and referred to people he knows I don't think it's right to publish it in it's original form.

To that end I've copied the text, as written but excluding his name, and am pasting it below.

My response will follow.

Best to all,

- Bro Jo


Sometimes you just hit the nail on the head. And then like this time you just sound like a egotistical jerk. Get over yourself bro.

You have absolutely no reason to believe he hasn't repented, and I seriously wish you would stop giving people advice if you're going to make claims like this.

You know nothing about this kid. SO he met a girl long-distance, they got a little carried away. That happens. Doesn't mean that is a good thin, bur it doesn't make him a rapist by any means, nor does it mean he has pornography issues.

I had an AP on my mission to confided in me that he did the same thing when he was a freshman in high school. He's happily married now, but by your standards he's not good enough for anyone. You have no evidence that he is lying to her, just what your pop-phychology tells you.

This girl has said nothing about what he has doe to repent. And repenting doesn't mean he still can't have contact with this girl. I can assure you I repented of everything I did before I joined the church, but I still talk to a few of my old girlfriends on Facebook here and there. My wife isn't bothered by it. Nothing inappropriate ever happens.

Bro Jo said...

Dear NW,

I appreciate your comments and concern.

By way of explanation . . .

I think you may have missed that the original writer said that her boyfriend was in an online pornographic "relationship" with this girl AND he has "happily accepted child pornography".

I believe in, and have a strong testimony of the power of, repentance.

As I'm sure you know, the final step of repentance is to turn away, never to sin again.

A woman should be concerned (including your wife, should your previous relationships fall into this category, though I suspect they don't) whenever her boyfriend (even more so her husband) is spending time with girls he used to have a physical relationship with, virtual or otherwise.

It's one thing to have casual contact, perhaps via social media, with previous love interests, but it's quite another to be engaging in lengthy conversations, flirting, reminiscing, . . . or more.

It's even worse to be spending time together.

When the person you're in a relationship with is going outside the relationship to seek something they ought to be getting from you (or not getting at all) it's a sign there's a problem. A BIG SIGN if that person is someone they are attracted to, and an OVER-THE-HEAD-CLUE if it's someone they had a previous physical (and / or romantic) relationship with.

"Happily accepted" and "continuing relationship" are not indications of repentance.


IF the person you've made a Long Term (feel free to read "Eternal") commitment with develops an addiction (or relapses, or you discover it) while you're together, I absolutely think you have a responsibility to try to make things work IF they're seeking help both temporally and spiritually.

HOWEVER, if that person refuses to get help, or is abusive in any way, I can not support you staying in that relationship. I think it's a bad idea.

If there is not a commitment (and I mean Marriage, either Eternal or otherwise) IT IS STUPID to remain in that relationship.

Once the addictive behavior is in control, once repentance has happened, THEN IF you feel confident and secure, I think it's fine to enter into a relationship with this person. (My opinion on this, by the way NW, is why you're totally wrong in your assertion about how I might feel about your former AP.)

While this girl has, as you wrote, said nothing about what her boyfriend has done to repent, she has CLEARLY said that he is continuing the behavior Even Though he "says" he has repented.

See, with all due respect, you're wrong. Repenting will mean that he no longer looks at child pornography, that he no longer engages with the girl he had an on-line pornographic relationship with.

If I might add a word of caution, said with love: righteous indignation a good thing, but when we find ourselves defending sinful behavior, rather than getting upset at those calling it sinful we are better served by looking within, by asking ourselves why are we so defensive and upset.

Do your wife (and yourself) a favor: if you are spending a lot of time chatting with your ex-girlfriends . . . stop. Even online. I promise you she's more bothered by it than you think or than she's letting on.

At the very least, consider how you'd feel if some guy that used to do with her what you used to do with these girls was communicating with her the way you're communicating with them.

As you know, I am certainly not a perfect person. I appreciate you keeping me on my toes and reminding me that I have need of repentance, too.

I hope my response hasn't further offended you.

God bless,

- Bro Jo

Annon said...

You don't get it bro. She said nothing, unless there is stuff you've published here, she has said nothing about him that says he is still having inappropriate contact. Her exact words are "he still talks with her from time to time." Everything you've said about him not repenting is based of your stuck-up opinions that he has somehow lied to her, which is baseless. Not everyone is like you or behaves the way you do or did. When I had girlfriends in high school that I broke up with, anything inappropriate ended then and there. I don't spend very much time at all talking to them online these days, at anyone. I don't really have time for it. And again, she has written that his ex was 18, and you beleive she wasn't because.... Well because of nothing. Again, leave the psychology to those who actually know it. You have no evidence to suggest he is lying. I've had many investigators drop off the face of the planet because of people like you. That's why I am so bothered by this. Please learn to check your ego and keep judgements withheld until you have enough to trully make an informed opinion