When Someone Makes Us Feel Guilty

Dear Bro Jo,

Hi Bro Jo!

My name is (withheld).

First off let me start by saying that your advice here on Dear Bro Jo has really helped me get through some really tough times lately.

This is my second semester away from home and I just have to say that I love being on my own! It has defiantly been a blessing!

I'm learning new things about myself, good and bad, and I'm trying to improve more and more every day.

Well now that I have beat around the bush long enough I'll get to the problem.

Monday I was getting ready for work when my boss reminded me that it was a holiday and to look at the TRAX schedule to make sure that I was on time for work.

Well I looked and knew that there would be no problem with getting to work but as I looked at the schedule I realized that I would have no way home because the TRAX's closes before I was supposed to get off work.

My roommate has a car and she has always said that if you need a ride at least ask me and I can tell you if I can help you. I called her that morning at around 11 am. Plenty of time for me to get word back from her so that I could possibly get another ride.

Well 8:30 came around and I still hadn't heard anything and I had tried to call her again. She hadn't answered and I was still worried that I would have to walk home and hour and a half away and in a not so great part of town.

I was scared and told my parents after trying to contact everybody I knew that wouldn't be offended if I asked them to pick me up.

My parents got a hold of our family friend that lives here in Utah and we found out that they were actually in Florida on vacation so there was no way that they would be able to come and get me.

At this point I was panicking but I didn't show my parents because I knew that if I did they would only freak out more.

I started silently praying to myself trying to keep calm so that I could continue with my work.

Not two minutes later one of my good friends called me back and was luckily able to come and pick me up. I got home and my roommates call a meeting (we call these meetings so that we are able to get over issues that are bothering us in and adult manner).

After sitting down and talking a bit, the time comes for us to bring up whats bothering us. I turned to my roommate and asked her if she had gotten my message at all.

She responded yes but felt that I wasn't her responsibility so she didn't pick me up. (At this point I hit a huge bottom and almost started crying but held it in knowing that I didn't want to look like a fool.)

I then pointed out to her that I would have been walking home and that it would have taken me over an hour.

She responded saying her exact words "Then you would have walked."

I personally didn't know what to say so I dropped it at that point not wanting to feel more worthless then I already was feeling.

Well fast forward I and my roommate and best friend left the apartment with me.

After getting some alone time I went and found my best friend and talked to her. She said (her exact words) "How dare she. How un-Christlike and selfish."

I listened to what she said but felt no need to say anything to my roommate already feeling lower than dirt. (This is where I started to cry.)

I haven't talked to her since and feel no need to since I feel worthless when I talk to her.

My best friend talked to her and is now on better terms with her and I have no problem with that but now it makes me feel guilty for how I have been treating her.

I don't know what to do!

I feel as if I have been so kind to her this last semester and this semester so far but the way she treats me and how most of the people in this apartment treat me besides

My best friend makes me feel as if I have a right to be angry and not talk to her.

I know it’s un-Christlike and I just want to get rid of the guilt I feel for treating her this way!!

Bro Jo can you help me? 

Love,

- (Name Withheld)




Dear NW,

The three things that I find help me get past guilt feelings are:

1. Apologizing, even if it's not my fault

2. Being of service to others  (that's a Sister Jo favorite)

3. Time.

And sometimes, even after all that, I can still feel a little guilty.

There are things I wish I had done, or not done, many many years ago that I still think about from time to time.

I can't do anything about them specifically any more . . . but they still bother me.

I think the Lord gives us these feelings to remind us to be better today than yesterday, to help us be grateful for the atonement, and to be more forgiving of the follies of others.

Roommates are a challenge to be sure.  I think this situation is an opportunity for you to learn and grow.  Which is not meant to say that I think that you did anything wrong.  Just trying to look on the bright side.

Along those lines, what an amazing testimony of how Heavenly Father answers our prayers!

Best,

- Bro Jo