Things to know

Regularly read by 50,000+ readers in over 140 countries around the world, "Dear Bro Jo" is published every Monday, Wednesday and Friday (with occasional additional posts, too).

This is column is just one guy's opinion, and while he does his best to keep what he thinks, says and writes in-line with the Gospel of Jesus Christ, Bro Jo is not a spokesman or authority for the LDS Church. (And Sister Jo thinks you should know that he's sometimes wrong, and often way too opinionated for his own good.)

Nothing here is meant to take the place of talking with parents, leaders, or Church authorities. Please, if you need serious help, talk to a trusted adult, leader, and / or professional counselor.

Please like our Facebook page, and check it often for Discussions, Notes, Events and just General Good Stuff!

Everything here is copyrighted. If you're going to quote any part of anything here, please get Bro Jo's written permission. You can reach him at dearbrojo@gmail.com.

Wednesday, December 2, 2015

A Bunch of Questions

Dear Bro Jo,

Ok so some background.

I'm 21, female, YSA, Activities CoChair, and outgoing.

I have tons of friends and no issue meeting new people.

Now I use to be inactive and have been back for close to 2 years.

Also I am a little on the heavier side but by no means crazy overweight.


Dating issues:

Why do LDS girls feel like they need to be married by 24?

I'm way mature for my age and could be married but most girls I know are not ready to be married and the ones that are now realize they were ready.


Why is it acceptable to be newly married and live with your parents?


Why is it that LDS guys go for girls out of there league?

Let me explain. In the real non LDS world if a guy rated a 6 out of 1 (ugly) - 10 (hot) he goes for a girl who is around a 5-7.

In the LDS YSA dating ALL men go for a girl who is a size 6 or smaller and is usually way out of their league and they look like the "Molly Mormon" leaving a lot of women who have no chance till they get older and date older men who usually are divorced or finally wise up that they can't get those girls.

Numerous of us YSA have talked about this and the guys don't realize it.


Why won't guys date in the ward or date for fun?


Why do guys friend zone more then girls do?

Girls friend zone mainly due to lack of attraction.


Do guys not like when girls are forward because they say they do but yet it's the shy girls getting married?


Church perspective:

Why is it that they make short garments and long garments?

Shouldn't they be a set modest length?

Why do Mormons stick out like a sore thumb and all of us fit into the stereo type and are shown in Mormon ads as "Molly Mormons"?

Why does the Church make people who have a past write a letter to the first presidency about everything they have done before they are allowed to serve a mission?

The Church teaches if all is handled through the repentance process and priesthood it is a clean slate remembered not and forgiven.

Yet they make you right a letter and where it as though it is still part of you.

Why are girls turning to a mission (not all this way) but they see it as I'm not getting married might as well?

Why are some people disfellowshipped because they had sex but others not?

Even in same situations only thing different was the Bishop?


I will start with these questions and hope to hear back.

I also appreciated a lot of the question answer post but I think it would be neat if you put out a question and posted people's responses.


Such as what is a good cheap date?

Should women ask men out?

How do you show a guy you are interested?

Pros and cons of BYU?

What are activities your YSA Ward has done that you liked?

Pros and cons of moving out? With roommates? With friends?

- Name Withheld




Dear NW,

I'll do my best to address your issues as you've listed them.

Before I do, let me say this: I'm glad you've come back to activity - good for you!

Okay. Here we go!


1. Marriage isn't something that anyone is every truly "ready" for.

There are several things like that in life. You have to live it to really understand it. IMHO too many people put things like this off because they feel the need to know everything . . . to prepare for every contingency . . . and the truth is, there's No Way Anyone can be fully prepared for marriage. I'm not convinced that the push to be "married young" (whatever that means) is necessarily any stronger inside the Church than it is outside. It's a cultural thing. For every study someone finds that says that people should wait until they're older to get married, another one can be found that touts the virtues of being married young.

What I will concede is this: I agree with the prophetic advice that marriage and family should not be delayed for selfish reasons or worldly pursuits


2. .I think there are indeed times when it makes sense for multiple generations to live under one roof, but generally I don't recommend it. I think there's a lot of good from a young couple getting out from under parental wings and struggling to make it on their own. And I think a lot of parents are doing their children a disservice when they, IMHO, over-shelter them. Literally. Barring extenuating circumstances, Sister Jo and I have no intention of letting our children live at home when they're first married.


3. No explanation necessary; I've seen what you're talking about. I blame both the guys AND you girls. First of all, I think all of you (including those of you at home) are being Way Too Shallow. I don't think one should limit themselves to dating only one pre-determined type, and I think there's some truth in understanding that you're going to attract the type of person you are, but I also understand that some people are just universally a little (as my kids say) "a little easier on the eyes" . . . and it's no surprise that those folks get more attention.


4. Many guys do date for fun and within their own ward.


5. I wouldn't say that guys "friend zone" more; I think it's the opposite. I think guys do stick girls in a "back up zone", but guys typically don't spend any "friend time" with girls they have no interest in or attraction towards. Girls, on the other hand, will collect guys as "friends" that boost their ego but they have no intention of every being romantic with.


6. Most "Good Guys" find girls that are too aggressive socially to be a turn off. Lots of guys are lazy. Those guys like it when they can sit around and do nothing while girls "hang out", making them cookies while they play video games. Don't confuse "shy" with "polite" or "attentive".


7. There is no such thing as "long garments and short garments". All garments are a set length relative to the other measurements of the material. Sisters at the distribution center love to laugh at the girls (and guys, now) who come in asking for "garments for shorts". People who alter their garments are in violation of the purpose and spirit of them.


8. I believe that some people carry themselves with the light and attitude that should accompany someone who is a disciple of Christ, and that shows in the way they act and the way they treat others and they things they do, don't do, say and don't say. I see nothing wrong with that.


9. Your "letter" comment isn't entirely accurate.

While there is a part of the application that talks about your testimony, and some things (such as tattoos) need to be documented, a letter outlining every sin ever committed is not part of the application.


10. Doesn't everyone want to feel like they're doing the best things with the time they've been given that they can do?


11. All Church disciplinary action has but one function: to help the member return to full fellowship with the Savior and to know of the blessings of the Atonement. All situations are different, and one of the burdens of the call of Bishop is to know how to help each individual member.

No two different situations can fairly be compared in the way that you're trying to compare them.


All of your other questions (and most of the previous ones as well) have been answered (multiple times) on both the Facebook Page and the Blog site.


Feel free to search both - there's lot's of great stuff in there!


If I've missed anything or you need some clarification, please write again.

- Bro Jo

PS:  It's okay to have doubts and questions, but as the saying goes, Doubt Your Doubts Before You Doubt Your Faith.

6 comments:

Anonymous said...

Every guy is attracted to different things. I had an FHE brother who loved girls who where not size 6. He actually told my now husband I was too skinny. His mother was not small and so he actively looked for someone who was not too skinny. And he married a girl who was bigger and had a personality to match:) And everyone wanted to date this guy because he was a great priesthood holder and very friendly. It is important to focus on HF personal plan of happiness for you. Be real and become your best self. Someone in this world is bound to think you are fantastic!!! PS Don't talk to girls about relationships that is just a downward spiral of negativity.

Bro Jo said...

Readers,

I need to amend the Garment Length comment. There are indeed garments that have various leg lengths. They are designed that way because some people have long legs and some have shorter legs.

The "shorter" length garments are NOT so you can wear them with smaller shorts or skirts. The end of the garment should hit just above the knee. If you're buying "short" garments that hit several inches above that you need to switch to the appropriate size.

- Bro Jo

Anonymous said...

Bro Jo- I can't say if they are still selling them to this day, but my mother had, and I bought a pair, of garments that are ankle length. I'm not sure of why, but maybe for warmth in winter?
I bought mine two years ago and don't know of updates in what is available since then.

Bro Jo said...

That's true!

I have a pair (or two) of "thermal" garments. Tops are long sleeve and the bottoms go to my ankles.

- Bro Jo

J-Dawg Fluffy said...

TO be honest, the garment sizing bothers me a lot. Regular bottoms once fit me; now, they go past my knee, but short sizes go bout halfway between my thigh and knee. I'm 6'1", so I'm not particularity tall. But unless I wanna wear capris, I have to get short length bottoms, and I have to get tall sized tops, otherwise they wont stay tucked in.

My wife could write a book about everything that's ill-fitting about women's garments.

J-Dawg Fluffy said...

I once thought I was an anomaly at BYU-I, with a wife that is not a molly-Mormon. Of all the couples in my ward, about 80% fit the molly-Mormon stereotype. But Student wards usually only include one or two complexes, so looking at your own ward is selection bias because each ward has idiosyncrasies that skew perception. My stake calling requires me to visit other wards in my stake, and I've seen firsthand that overall, there isn't a large trend towards one type of women men are marrying. If you're having trouble with guys not finding you attractive, your personality would be a great place to start. Men talk. If you say something rude or condescending to an elder in your ward, the rest will find out.