Thank you for your message.
I am definitely trying.
Although I feel at times that I do these inconsiderate thoughtless mistakes that ruins it for me.
It's as if I'm building with one hand and tearing down with the other.
I have been apologizing and it's been too much to where she won't accept it.
The thing is I make the same mistakes.
Not exactly the same ones but they're all interrelated and it's been going on for over a year so that is why she won't accept apologies.
I try to tell her that the trust needs to be earned through time and that it won't be easy.
I think I just ruined it.
Let me give you some more details... in 2009 I was engaged to a great girl.
She ended our relationship near the end of the year.
A few months later I found a better girl and we dated and I soon proposed and we were going to be married in August of that year.
She ended it an hour before the wedding and I was let down.
Well we tried to date and it was off and on (she always ended it) and finally in December 2011 I ended it with her because I wasn't seeing any progress with us.
One week later I met the best girl.
I was head-over-heels and smitten by her.
She was amazing.
We dated for about four months.
Then in the summer (2012) I had an internship that was out of date.
Since I was her boyfriend and we wanted to be sure about knowing if we were right for each other we decided to take a break during the time I was gone then see where we were in the fall when I returned.
The thing is since we weren't sure I decided to from a plan B in case it didn't work.
I'm a planner so I figured it'd be good.
But I am very bad with timing.
So right before I left I talked to plan B girl to establish a date for the fall when I returned.
Soon after, the crap hit the fan and she told my girlfriend that and I was in the doghouse.
Also about that same time my ex-girlfriend wanted to talk because she needed some help and she owed me some money and wanted to speak with her about paying me back.
We met and I took her out for dinner because it was her birthday and she had no family in town and I didn't want her to be miserable.
This also did not please my girlfriend.
So fast forward to the fall and even spring of this year and we are dating but not exclusive.
I continue to be friendly with plan B girl and talk every once in a while to the ex because she wanted me back so bad and I was trying to give her closure (I didn't want to be with her anymore).
So I'm trying my best to win over the best girl because she is whom I want but she is unsure still because of my past actions.
Now I am in Jordan (the country) doing an internship for two months.
Our "relationship" is continuing to wither and hang by the edge of a knife as I keep making unintentional mistake after mistake with this amazing girl.
So I don't know what to do.
She says she's done with me and no one has hurt her this bad as I have.
And I just hate what I've done and become.
In the beginning she said I was the best thing to happen to her and I also said I would never be like those "other guys" that treated her bad. When in fact I've become worse than that.
The truth is, no other girl has what she has and no one makes me as happy as she does despite our arguments and hardships because of me.
I've tried my best to cut ties with all the "bad girl influences."
But I did it too late.
I should have stopped months ago.
But yet never did it at all. I was unsure and didn't know.
Now she keeps prying every little detail in our whole dating career to see what really happened.
I don't want to give her every detail because it only makes things worse and I just want her to trust me that I'm not like that anymore (which is a problem because she doesn't trust cuz of what I've done and I don't have any time under my belt for her to see the change).
I'm 26 and getting older.
If I lose her for good then this will be the worst for me.
I can't do anything for the next two months because I'm thousands of miles away and I can barely talk to her because of the time difference and we mostly argue because of my past and we can't resolve it because of how huge the issue is and I need to either go to bed or work so we can't discuss it for hours and hours like she'd lie (plus internet is expensive and I'm poor).
So I try my best out here in the desert and I just hate myself more and more while the war just rages in my head of what I've done.
Is there any hope?
I hope this made sense.
Thank you for listening.
I appreciate it.
- Name Withheld