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Monday, October 31, 2016

Well . . . There's Always THIS Way to Find Out if He Likes Her . . .

Dear Bro Jo,

Hi. I found your blog today and I can't say thank you enough to the help you are giving YM/YW and YSA, especially for giving them (us) a place to calm our fears and anxieties, and gush a bit when necessary.

I am 25 and have been in singledom for a very long time.

I am sure you get emails every day and likely do not have the ability to respond to them all, but I am keeping my fingers crossed and hoping you will be able to give me some much needed advice.

Let me start by telling you that I am a researcher by nature. If I have an issue with something, whether it be a home appliance, my phone, or a social situation, I research it. I read thoughts and opinions from others, see what has worked and not worked in the past, and my own thinking about how I can apply the "fixes" to my situation.

I have spent too much time "researching" dating advice that doesn't exist.

All the dating advice out there is all about sex, and that is obviously not very helpful for me.

Your blog gives me hope that somehow, someway, I can get the advice I am so desperately searching for.

So.. As I said, I am 25.

I work for a university and have finished my Master’s Degree.

I have never had a steady boyfriend and did not get my first kiss until I was 23 (I was pretty overweight, and although I DO think that played a role in it, I think my self-confidence being so low was the biggest issue).

I am quite shy when it comes to dating and I typically do not do any of the pursuing.

He is 24 and the Elders Quorum President in my ward.

He is pursuing a Master’s Degree and applying to medical school. He has been the EQP for about a year, but I really didn't pay him any attention until about 4 months ago.

I don't know if I can call him shy, but he definitely does not pursue girls regularly.

I know of two girls he has been on dates with in the last 18 months, I believe he went on two dates with each girl.

I told him we should do something sometime, then later (same day) that he should give me a call sometime. I gave it a week and he did not follow up with me.

The following weekend was a ward temple trip and I was hoping he would come, but he was not there.

That Sunday at church I talked to him about his weekend (he had a work issue that prevented him from attending) and told him that I would love the opportunity to get to know him better and that we could do something one on one or plan a group activity that he would want to come to, etc..

He took that as an opportunity to plan something, but our schedules conflicted.

He ended up asking me to accompany him to see a movie he promised he would see with his cousin and his fiancé, then said that he knew that movies aren't a great way to get to know people.

I told him he was right, they're not, so if this worked out, it didn't count.

We went to the movie and had about an hour long conversation beforehand (we got there very early) which made me all the more interested in him. I felt like the date went well, but two weeks later, he hadn't followed up.

So, I took the opportunity at a Church event to tell him that a few weeks before that I told him I wanted to get to know him better and the movie didn't count, and he said "correct, that didn't count, so I was thinking about my schedule this week...".

He took it from there and planned a date.

We went to dinner, a comedy show, and then got frozen yogurt. I had fun and loved talking to him.

The next day I told him I had fun and we should do it again sometime and he immediately told me that the only issue that week was his schedule and the RS President had just taken his only free day, so it would probably have to be on the weekend (he also made sure I knew that the free day she took was for presidency stuff).

I then got hailed by the Stake President and told said boy to give me a call.

He didn't call.

This weekend my stake is having a "girls ask guys" movie in the park.

So, I asked him, and he seemed genuinely happy to come with me. So, we have a date on Saturday night.

Okay, now you are all caught up.

He rarely texts and twice I have texted him without a response (though, to be fair, the texts did not necessarily require a response).

He doesn't seem to like calling at all. This means that the only interaction I have with him is in person, and as he is EQP, pursuing a masters, applying to med school, and has a lot of family responsibilities, combined with my schedule, this really only happens on Sundays or during scheduled events (like the dates).

I cannot tell if he is interested.

I feel confident saying he is not disinterested, but I need that reassurance from him.

My heart is starting to get involved and this is the point that I would typically shut it all down and back away, but I don't want to do that.

This is the first time that I have felt like the guy is worth any heartbreak that could result in pursuing a relationship.

And logically.... we would work!

My head and my heart have to agree, and this is the first time they do, I just don't know how he feels. So, Saturday is technically our third date.

Should I ask him if he is interested?

Should I ask him about what he is looking for?

He seems to be a really slow mover, and I'm afraid of trying to take things too fast and pushing him away.

By this weekend it will have been 6 weeks since our first date, so I have given it time. But, in that time, we haven't had much interaction.

It's that last part that I want to change.

How can I know if there is the potential for more if I only see him outside of a church a few times a month?

I just don't know where to go from here.

I'm sorry this is so long, but if you made it this far, I would be so incredibly grateful for a response.

- Name Withheld

Dear NW,

Third date . . . you're 25 and he's 24 . . . I think there should be some kissing.

You could go about it a couple different ways.

The most common is at the end of the date. He walks you to the door, you hint . . . linger . . . play with your keys . . . flat out tell him "hey, this is the point where you kiss me good night" . . . whatever.

Could be fun!

Could be romantic. 

Could fill the evening with pressure and expectation . . . which isn't always bad.

Another option is to hit him with it at the start of the date!

Unorthodox, I know, but can be very effective.

He's at your door picking you up and after you hug him hello (and before you completely let go) you say something like "I know there's a lot of pressure and expectation to kiss at the end of the third date, and I think you should kiss me now so neither of us has to spend all night waiting, wondering, and hoping".

It certainly changes the tone of the date!

Believe me, not only will the kissing tell you whether or not he's interested, barriers will be dropped, and this guy will get some much needed encouragement and training.

Will he be scared? Yeah . . . but kissing will fix that.


And if he balks . . . well, then you'll know where he stands.

'Cause, let's be honest, you shouldn't be wasting any more time on a guy that has no interest or clue. 

And, whichever option you go with, ramp up the connection with at least some hand holding.

Let me know how it goes!

- Bro Jo


Anonymous said...

You gotta tell us the rest of the story - what happened?

Laura said...

^^^^ Agreed, this needs a follow-up!