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Monday, May 8, 2017

Graduating BYU and Still Single?

Dear Bro Jo,

I recently just graduated from BYU-Idaho at 21 and just turned 22.

I feel like almost everyone lately has an opinion on my non existing dating life. I attended BYU-Idaho for a little over 3 years in which I completed my bachelor’s degree.


While I was at BYU-Idaho I went on a total of five dates.

I attended my singles ward and was very social but I simply wasn't asked on very many dates.

I did have a crush on one boy while I attended school but that ended up with me getting led on for almost a year.

I had a love/hate relationship with one of my best guy friends from high school that lasted on and off  for five years and that just ended recently in us  no longer being friends.

One of my first problems is everyone doesn't understand how I graduated with going on around five dates when you are at  one of the "dating capitals of the church".  

I never really dated in high school I didn't go to homecoming or prom the only dances I went to were girl choice dances.

I think I went on a total of three dates that were not dances.


Now that I've graduated I've currently moved in with my parents, for the next year until I attend graduate school.

I'm attending a family ward with my parents and teach in the primary.

I attend the single ward activities whenever I can which mainly includes FHE and occasionally institute.  I feel like my family (aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, parents) and friends are constantly asking me if I'm dating.

When I respond that I haven't gone out recently they explain how dating is something that I need to be doing, and tell me how important it is.


Obviously I know that dating is important.

The Brethren of the Church emphasize dating, and there was a big push on it at BYU-Idaho.


But I don't know what to do when I don't get asked on dates.

I'm being social I go out to the single ward activities.

I have many friends that I hang out with whenever I can.

I currently have a job though which is at an Elementary School which keeps me busy as well.

I've been set up once but there wasn't any more interest there than the first date.


I'm sick of being told that I need to go to the singles ward. I do what I can but I also have a calling and I love being with the youth of the Church.

I don't know how to respond to these questions anymore either.  These questions bring up sadness and frustration.

I admit that it makes me sad I can't get a date but I don't want to dwell on it either. I try to move forward and be happy with my life and not worry about dating.  I would rather have a happy attitude than dwell on the fact that I can't get a date to save my life.


I always say  joke and say I'm done with dating but if you never really started then how can you be done with it?

I know that I'm only 22 and I still have plenty of time in the world. But why doesn't anyone else see it that way?

I know that I obviously can't please everyone.

But how do I get everyone off my back about dating?

I figure that eventually I will start dating it just hasn't happened yet.


Don't we always say there is a time and reason for everything.


I would really like to stop being asked every time I see someone how my dating life is going and why I'm not dating.  

Please any help and advice that you have I could seriously use!


Thanks,

- The Dateless 22 Year Old




Dear Friend,

Yours is not an uncommon story . . . but please allow me to explain what's happening.

Your friends and family look at you and see the beautiful, fun, smart, talented young woman that you are.  They see all that you have to offer and they know, much better than you do, that you would be a great Eternal Companion for many young men; perhaps some they know.

They don't understand how you're not married yet, not because they think anything is wrong with you or that you're a failure in some way . . . but the truth is that they have NO CLUE when it comes to what the Real Dating Culture is . . . even at a Church school.

Yeah, you could be more open to going on dates than you are . . . Sure, you would have more prospects if you were attending the Singles Ward . . . Yes, they are seeing something you don't when they express concern because they know that the longer you wait the more difficult it may be to find someone.

BUT . . .

They also can't accept that any of this is their fault.  As parents and youth leaders, Bishoprics and Stake Representatives, they failed to teach Young Men to date.  They may have complained, but they taught no skills.

You could get more dates.

You could widen your circle . . . hangout less . . . be less afraid of getting married (let's not pretend that's not at least a small issue here, my friend) . . . learn to flirt better . . . learn techniques that get guys to ask girls out . . .

And that stuff might indeed help . . .

Typically does.

Sure, at 22 you still have time . . .

But I'd like you to consider just how fast the last 5 years have gone . . .

The next five aren't going to be any slower . . .

And if you think finding a Good LDS Man to date is tough at 22 and just out of college . . . just talk to the many great sisters that are still single at 27 . . . or 32 . . .

You can choose to be sad and frustrated . . . but I will not sit here and agree that you CAN'T get a date.

I'm sorry, but that's just not true.


I have a problem with my weight.  I don't get to work out much (which might be more excuses than reality), and I love food.  Add to that I get depressed whenever I feel like I'm having "a fat day" . . . and . . . well, let's just say it's a constant challenge.

But the truth is, if I really wanted . . . I mean REALLY WANTED . . . to drop 10 pounds I could change my lifestyle.  More walking.  Fewer cookies.  Less time at work.  It honestly wouldn't take much.


You could date more if you wanted to.  We all can.


If you need some advice with that, I can help.


Whether you're okay your dating life with the way things are (nothing wrong with that, it's your life after all) or not, don't let the concern that others have for you affect you in a negative way.

They mean well.

They think you're awesome!


Let that help you stay more positive.


A positive attitude, by the way, is one of the most attractive features in the world!


Cheers,

- Bro Jo

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Dear Dateless,

Are you sure we're not the same person? Cuz I definitely identified with your story on a spiritual level. Hang in there girl! If it really bothers you, take an honest look at what you can change to make your chances better, but know you're not alone in this struggle. I saw something recently that 51% of the sisters in relief society are single.

You might also try online dating. I bristled at the idea, and I haven't had much success yet, but one of my coworkers said, "Your true love could be just a couple of hours away, and you might never know." It stuck with me, so I'll try it.

Best of luck to you!