Big Crush, No Dates

Hey Dear Bro Jo,

I have written to you before, and thank you for your previous answer. But I have another question for you now. I have now moved away from where I was before, and just started my senior year in high school on Wednesday. For my question you'll need a little background info first, so here it is:

When I was in ninth grade I lived here and went to school and seminary with this guy. He was awesome and all the girls had a crush on him at one time or another in ninth grade, even the nonmembers. I talked to him a couple times in our history class that year and I saw him at all the youth dances. At one youth dance he asked me to dance with him, but I didn't think much of it, since we were only 15 and lots of the guys from seminary asked me to dance. In fact, I was asked to dance by most of the young men in my stake that year.

Anyway, by the time he asked me to dance I had told everyone I no longer had a crush on him, which I thought was true. After that year I moved away and where I was I turned sixteen and seventeen, but all the guys I knew there were paired off with girls and weren't really interested in me. The only guys that ever talked to me only talked to me because their girlfriends were my friends and they couldn't not talk to me without seeming rude.

This summer I moved back to the town I lived in ninth grade and I am now seventeen, almost eighteen and have never dated. I have a couple classes with the guy I had a crush on in ninth grade and during the second class I had with him we were working on an assignment and he got up and walked over to me (clear across the room) to ask me how I liked the other class we had together so far. We talked for a couple of minutes and laughed about a couple of things, then he walked over to the hand sanitizer and walked back to his desk. Anyway, I told my cousins about it and they remembered ninth grade and how I had a crush on him then and they keep teasing me about having a crush on him once again, and I keep saying I don't even though I know I do. They seem to think he must like me too, but I don't agree.

What do you think?

And if he does like me, what can I do to convince him to ask me out on a date and to find out if he really does like me?

I was thinking I'd ask him out for Sadie-Hawkins in January if I still like him and I know he likes me. I usually feel shy around guys, but I've never really felt shy around this one. I talk to him like I would a normal friend that I've known my whole life. What does this mean?

Anyway, I know you probably get alot of emails but can you please reply soon? I don't care if you post this on your blog, after all I read your blog all the time and maybe some other girl has these questions as well.

Thanks,

~Girl with a Crush

PS: I know I like him, but what should I do if he does like me? I want an RM, so I don't want to become too close to a guy before he leaves on his mission, I want him to be able to concentrate completely on his mission when he leaves.


Dear Crusher,

I don't know if he BIG L "Likes" you; isn't it possible he's just a nice guy?

And let me ask you this: does it matter whether or not he likes you?

I do think you need to get some dating in. Do the kids in the stake you're in now date? What have the experiences of the other girls been?

As you're pondering these things, let me suggest this: you need to date, but not to find a boyfriend, and you seem to be hinting that's what you'd like this boy to be. I think you should avoid that for now.

It can be very awkward for a Good Guy when a girl confesses her feelings, especially if he’s Mission-focused. Sometimes a girls can take herself out of the “Potential Casual Group Date” list by being too forward. I’ve known boys to respond by deciding to never take out those “too forward” girls. Ever.

Be Nice, but Be Casual.

(Hmm . . . maybe I need to Create "Bro Jo's BE's" - that's not disrespectful, is it?)

- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

It is possible he’s just a nice guy, though most of the girls I've talked to about him (let me tell you, there are too many girls who like him... hahaha) say that he just says "Hi, --insert name here--." He doesn't usually ask how they like a class, even if he happens to be walking past them on the way to the hand sanitizer.

No it doesn't really matter whether or not he likes me. I guess mostly I just want to get to know him because he’s such an awesome guy. (I don't use the word awesome very often... it’s a sacred word in my opinion, only the very best people I know are associated with the word in my mind.) He’s really popular because he is very nice, so maybe he just saw me sitting there and decided to talk to me since I was right there, I don't know.

I have talked to quite a few of my friends here and let me tell you, they hardly ever date. In fact, if what I've heard about the girls having "no luck with guys" is anything to go by, the guys just don't ask. Either that or everyone around here is paired off.

I agree, (and so do my friends) on the staying away from the "boyfriend" scene. (At least until college in a year.)

I've told a guy I liked him before and it turned out badly, so now I don't usually tell anyone at all that I like a guy. In fact I usually stay away from even talking about a guy I like because I don't want it to get around that I like him and for him to hear about it. So usually only my confidants know that I have a crush on a guy and I know they'd never tell anyone. I never write poems or notes or anything. Mostly I just talk to them and get to know them if I have an excuse or they come up to me first.
I'd love it if you made Bro Jo's List of BEs. It'd give me something to go by.

I thought of most of this stuff after I wrote the letter. I do need to date but I get really shy around guys and unless they come up and talk to me first I don't usually even talk to them.

Thanks again for reading my email.

- Girl with a Crush

PS: I always did hate crushes... they make you irrational and I like being rational...


Dear Crusher,

Ha! I can understand how you feel, but there’s something wonderful about being in love and a little irrational.
At some point Confessing Your Feelings will be more appropriate. For now I think it’s wise to only confide in a small group of close friends. You’re also on the right track to be using this time in your life to get to know people better. That’s what Casual Group Dating is all about.

I’m sorry to hear that so few of your peers date.

It’s a delicate but important balance for Teens to strive to achieve,: Dating but not Seriously, being Casual without gaining the reputation of being “easy”. Playing without being a “Player” . . .

The key is to hold back on the physical stuff; to see Teen Dating as developing important social skills, not as a path to a committed relationship.

And then for many an even greater challenge is to completely shift your dating purpose when you cross that magic line as a Young Single Adult where Dating is exactly for the purpose of finding a spouse.
In our world those two different types of Dating are muddled and confused.

So let’s tackle that issue: getting you and your friends to be asked out on some Casual Group Dates.
First of all, as a group of girls you need to let it be known that you don’t believe simply going on a date constitutes any kind of Boyfriend-Girlfriend commitment.

Secondly, create casual group situations where you can all get to know each other better, like video watching parties. Boys are more comfortable asking out girls they know. Have lunch at school together.
Third, be the type of girls that seem like it would be fun to date. Be Positive and Be Fun (there’s some of those Bes again).

Fourth, if the boys still don’t get it, as a group of girls ask a group of boys just exactly why it is that they’re not Casual Group Dating. When you ask, LISTEN to what they say. As I’ve so often said, Communication is the Key.

- Bro Jo

PS: If “awesome” is truly a “sacred word” for you, I don’t think you should apply it to a guy at this point in your life.