Too Young to Marry? (Take 2)

[Readers' Note: The following conversation took place via email over a couple weeks, with several of the emails being quite short. Rather than add all of the salutations and signatures, I've assigned the writer and I different colors to help you keep track. I've edited the conversation for clarity. - Bro Jo]

Dear Bro Jo,


Me and my girlfirend have been dating for a year and half im still in high school a senior and she has graduated last year. I truly feel like she is the one. She helps me in everything that i do. We go to the temple once a week. we are planning on getting married next year once i graduate. i was wondering if you think that is to young i will be 18 and she will be 19 we want to get married in the salt lake temple. just wondering if you could give me some advice. thanks

What about a Mission?


- Bro Jo

I've really thought about it. but i cant leave her for that long nor my family. i guess i just have a soft heart ha. i get home sick really easy. i have 4 brothers and all of them have gone on one. I have a brother right now serving in (witheld)

Why do you think you can't leave her, or your family, for that long?

Because when i go on trips i get sick and i cant stop thinking about them. i always try not to go place where im gone longer than 3 days. cause i get so sick. its more leaving her than it is leaving my family. ive prayed and have asked heavenly father if she is the right one. and i have got my answer and i know she is. i can feel it and i can see it. she completes me. she has all the standards that i have looked for.

OK, I'll buy that she may be the right one (or at least A right one - there's no such thing as "the") - I totally believe it's possible to meet someone who will make a good spouse when you're young - so the next question is: is now the right time?


And perhaps we follow that with: are YOU ready?


I've got to tell you that I'm concerned with the anxiety issues you have about leaving home. I love my wife, I hate it when she and the kids are gone on a trip with out me or when I have to travel for work; I'm lonely, but not nauseated.


To be honest, it sounds like you have some dependency issues. One has to wonder if you're mature enough for others to depend upon You yet, like a wife . . . and children . . .


If you're not emotionally stable enough to go on a mission, and I mean this with sincere respect, then you shouldn't go.


Consider this: what if, to support your wife and children, you need to leave town for work . . . for 6 months. It's not unheard of. Could you do it?


I'm not saying she's not great, and I'm not saying that the two of you shouldn't get married some day, but I AM suggesting that you, at least, aren't yet ready, and that the things that make you hesitant about a mission are things you'll need to overcome before you propose.


That said, should you choose to ignore that, what are your plans for school and job? Where will you live and how will you support her?

I'm planning on getting my masters in computer science. I curently make 17 bucks a hour and she is going to school to get her doctorates in psycology. She makes 12 a hour. we were talking about just living in an apartment for a few years until we can aford a condo or townhome etc... when you say support her what do you mean?

Those are both good plans. Will you both be attending the same school? What's the "when she gets pregnant" plan?


When I say support I mean temporally, spiritually and emotionally.


We haven't really talked about this, but I'm guessing that you're worried that if you leave on a mission she'll find someone else . . .

Yes we will both be attending the same school. im going to wait a year before i start so that we can get up on are feet better. I never thought about the pregnant plan. but i guess we will just have to be way careful. and if we have to we can move into mine or her parents houses. and I'm not worried at all if I go on a mission. She feels the same about me as I do her. I know she wouldn't leave so I don't worry about it. But I guess their always is a chance I just look past it.

Well there are a few realities you need to address.


First of all, there's no such thing as "way careful". I'll be candid with you: I have 7 children and more than one was conceived while we were using more than one type of contraceptive at a time. So if you get married, you better expect that at any time she may be expecting. That means you'll be the sole bread winner and it may mean no school for her and limited if any school for you.


Moving into a parent's house is an option in extreme cases, but to me that's more like having your Girlfriend sleep over than a marriage.


I'm very curious about what your parents (both sets) have to say about your marriage plan . . .


And I'm having trouble buying the "homesickness" as a real thing . . . other than immaturity.


Plus, I think if you really thought she wouldn't find someone else, you wouldn't be in such a hurry to get married.


Unless you're just eager for sex . . .

So in other words you think its to young?

(That's a pretty interesting response to my challenge that you're focused on sex . . . )


I think it's more that you're not ready.


I think you may be using marriage as a crutch to avoid other things in your life, including some very specific things you need to deal with.


For a marriage to work it requires putting our spouse's needs ahead of our own - all the time. It just doesn't seem like you're there yet. I think you will be some day, perhaps some day soon, but you're not now.


And I think it's very telling the questions I've asked that you've chosen not to answer . . .

You didn't ask any questions is why. but I have been putting her first ever since we started dating. Even before I met her I didn't want to go on a mission. Does that mean im not mature enough? No, I think not. Do you think Pres. Monson [being] immature is why he didn't go on a mission? 


I will just tell you my opinion. I think if we are finacialy ready we can make it. but if we arent finacialy ready we were going to wait until we are.


Also we still have another year to become ready.

OK. I'll use a question mark.


What do your parents and her parents say about your plans?


Why are you so eager to get married?


Is the "homesickness" real? A diagnosed clinical problem? Or are you just using it as an excuse?


Are you both Temple Worthy?


At what age did you decide you weren't going on a mission? (And, as I said, at this point I'm not convinced you should go, either.)


Have either of you ever gone on a date with someone else?


Further, I didn't say you're immature BECAUSE you're not going on a mission, I wrote that your reasons for not going on a mission may be immature, and that those same reasons indicate to me that you are not yet ready for marriage.

My parents I haven't told yet.  My all my brothers and sisters think its to young. her parents said its fine but it would be better if I went on a mission. and yes we are both worthy.  We attend the temple once a week. And I guess the homesickness is just an excuse. but I really would be home sick. but I guess I would have the Lord's help on that. but I just cant imagine 2 years with out her. and we want to get married so fast cause we have been together for so long we want to move to the next step. and yes I have dated other people.

Just imagine the all the years of your life when you weren't her Boyfriend - that will help you imagine the 2 years.


You can't have dated That Many other people . . . 


I'm impressed with your weekly Temple attendance, but wonder: when do you go? I mean, you've got school, right? Do the two of you go, just the two of you, as a date?


So, if the Homesickness is just an excuse, can we now say that she's the reason you're choosing not to serve a mission?


You're what, 17, 18 now? You shouldn't have started dating until you turned 16, and if you've dated other people . . . I'm wondering just how long you've been "together"?


Why do you think her parents are suggesting that you go on a mission first?

I'm 18 now and we go at night after school some times its just me and her. but then their are times when we go with friends to. we have been dating a year and half. ive always had girlfriends throughout jr. high and high school. even though you arent suppose to date until 16 I have gone with girls just as big groups to hang out. But the thing is even before i met her i didn't want to serve a mission. But now we are getting closer and closer it makes it even harder to leave. So yes and no thats the reason. Well i know if i do go i would become closer to god and have a greater testiomy. and be more ready to be married since i have been away from home for 2 years.

you've mentioned twice now that you've known "even before [you] met her" that you didn't want to serve a mission . . . can you elaborate on that?

so she plays apart of it now. but i never have had the will to serve one. i dont know what else to say about it.

Why?

I dont know i just never have. there is no reason. just besides i dont want to leave everyone.

there's always a reason


and I'll bet you're thinking it's inconsequential, but I think uncovering this issue will help answer the other


so . . . what is it?


and one more question: why aren't you in school today?

i just dont want to leave for 2 years. I want to get married so i can spend more time with her.


I'm at lunch. and since i take computer classes at college i can check my email there to.

sorry "I just don't want to leave for two years" is not an answer


you said you're still a senior in High School . . . how does that work?

I have always had the thoughts of not going on a mission even before I had her. I am scared to leave her. I don't know if I could do it. I'm not afraid she will leave me even though there is always that chance. I know she will be there no matter what. we really love each other and want to be together. 


It would be so hard to leave her. She's the reason I struggle with the choice of a mission even though leaving my family does play a major part too.


I'm a home body; I have never been away from home that long. I just don't know what to do. and I am in high school but I take college courses at a college so that i can have a better job when I graduate and start on my education.

Taking the College courses is a good idea.


But you still haven't answered the question: why have you "always had the thoughts of not going on a mission?"


What have been your concerns? Your reasons? Your fears?


You say you had those thought BEFORE her, but have yet to come up with a reason why.


Then you say you're scared to leave her for two years; why? You say you're not worried about her marrying someone else . . . fine. What IS IT that you're afraid of?

I've just never had the desire to go on one. Just like I never have had the desire to live in Brazil. its just one of those things that I don't want to do. I don't have any fears of going on a mission. Not really any concerns either. At least none that I can think of.

yeah, that doesn't add up

we're not talking about sticking a pin in your eye . . .
. . .
. . .


There are lot's of places that wouldn't be on the top of my list to move to, but I have reasons (I like snow, my kids are in school, work).  However, sometimes we have to move somewhere that isn't our favorite simply because it coincides with what we need to be doing right now.

[Note: I never got another response - probably made him mad . . .]

Dear Too Young,


So here's what I think: You've got three main issues:


A) Are you too young to get married?


B) Despite growing up in the Church and a family full of missionaries, is it OK that you don't want to go?


and C) What should you do about your abandonment issues?


As I've implied, I think all three are tied together. Let's take them backwards.


Abandonment? I don't believe you get physically-nauseous homesick. I think it's an excuse you toss out to justify behavior. If it is real, get some professional counseling. I miss my family when I go away, too (we all do), but it doesn't imobilize me. Frankly, I think you just tossed that out there to dodge the Mission Question; you wrote in hoping you could prove to me that you've got it together enough that I'd give my blessing for your wedding - you've probably either gotten away with this "excuse" for years, and aren't used to having it challenged - and when I pushed for more information, I think you started making things up. It's tough for me to help people who aren't either honest with me or themselves, which gets us to . . .


The Mission. You're only 18, so you haven't done anything "for a long time", and that certainly includes a Life Long realization that you don't want to go on a Mission. You started by telling me that you were going to miss your family too much, but a man that gets married LEAVES his family to be with his wife . . . (another reason I think the "anxiety" is bogus) . . . you certainly don't feel the same way when it comes to leaving them for her (except that your "backup plan" includes moving in with them - OK if it Has To Be Done - but never a great choice). But you eventually confessed that you don't want to Leave Her for two years - which I suspected but, again, it took you a long time to get to it.


She's The Real Reason you don't want to go. We can all see it. In fact I'll bet your family has discovered this very thing, and given you lot's of grief about it, so you figure I'll do the same thing here (and you're probably right). You try to divert the conversation from addressing what's really going on, and that makes it difficult to help you.


The bottom line is, whether it's Love, Infatuation, Horniness, Fear of Loneliness, The Need to Possess this Girl (which may include the fear that she may marry, and thus have sex with, someone else) or some combination of those, She's why you've decided not to go. Those are all Very Real feelings . . .


But whatever the reason, in my humble opinion, you're not ready to go on a mission.


Now, I do think you should talk to your Bishop and Stake President to see if they agree; knowing you better, they'll be better able to assess your readiness.


If you go, will you lose her? Yeah, you probably will. Maybe not, but probably.


One thing you (and many people your age and slightly older) need to realize is that there's more than just one person in the world that will make a good eternal companion for each of us. No one is Destined to be with anyone else. (I'll let you readers wrap your heads around that for a while.)


If either of you were to ask, I'd tell you to "break up" until you got back from the mission, giving her the freedom to see if there is someone else out there for her, and you the freedom to focus on the Lord's work.


But, as I said, I don't think you're ready to go. I think you've got some issues either with dependency or honesty that need to be addressed first.


The Wedding. Yeah . . . you're Too Young. Or, more specifically, you're too immature. That's not an insult, it's a fact of life. I think your "Temple Dates" have distorted your perspective - (I love, and fully endorse, going to the Temple, but I think "dating" at the Temple as an unmarried couple is a Bad Idea. With respect, I think you're abusing your Limited Use Recommend, and whomever gave it to you should rescind it. We go to worship and serve, not hangout with our Girlfriend) - mixing the Spiritual feelings you have while there with your "love" for your Girlfriend.


If you actually go, which I'm not sure is true, either.


Bro Jo believes in Short Engagements, and in your case I suggest you Court for quite a while longer before wandering down the isle. I say give it at least one year BEYOND your High School graduation.


If you're still in love with her a year from now, propose sometime between Halloween and Christmas 2010. Set the wedding for June 2011; that's soon enough.


Perhaps by then you'll have grown enough to be the Husband and Eternal Companion that she needs . . .


Just remember that getting married isn't about you; it's about the other person. Her needs, her happiness, her Spiritual and Temporal support need to be more important that you and your needs.


- Bro Jo