Jail Bait - part 3

Dear Bro Jo,

Thanks for taking the time to respond to the questions from "Perturbed." I appreciate your insights and her concerns. I spent some time looking over your website, as well as your response to her email, and think you generally give solid, smart advice to young people and their parents. Which is why I'd love to ask you a few more questions.

I'm going to call Perturbed "Mac" and my daughter "Cheese" ok? They've been friends since birth, and really have a relationship that's more like cousins than friends. I think you may have read something into Mac's original email that wasn't there, namely jealousy. Mac currently lives about 2000 miles away from us, and maintains friendship with our family via email and vacation visits. So I think it's highly unlikely that she's in any way jealous of Cheese--I think she really is just concerned about her.

I'm concerned about Cheese, too. She turns 14 this week, but it seems like every YM on the inside of the Zion curtain thinks she's turning 24. She has always had lots of boys (older, younger, same age) with crushes following her around like little puppy dogs, but has never been willing to give any of them the time of day before. She has a solid testimony, but is also beautiful (i know, i know, every mom thinks her little girl is beautiful...) fun, outgoing, talented, and, conveniently, has a brother 3 years older, which provides an excuse for guys that age to swarm around like flies.

Daddy and I have only had one of said swarm that gave us any heartburn, and that was because Cheese said, "Mom, he creeps me out. How do I get rid of him without hurting his feelings?" This is where suddenly "Boy #1" came in; he had been hanging out with Older Brother, and volunteered to help Cheese deep-six "Boy #2". He showed her how to block his phone #, and when that didn't deter him, eventually met him at the door and told him, in no uncertain terms, to leave Cheese alone. I know it seems dumb that I didn't see that as a problem, but "Boy #1" had always acted like a protective big brother towards Cheese, and Daddy and I were so worried about the other boy that we failed to consider him as a potential problem.

Which, I suppose brings me to the question part of the email. I'm not sure he really is a problem. He's a great guy, has never shown any romantic inclination towards Cheese, and definitely never gets any "alone time" with her (as you put it.) Cheese clearly has a crush on him (duh--he's cute, sweet, gallant, rescued her from Creep...) but that's normal 14-year-old girl stuff. I am just beginning to wonder about "Boy #1" as well. He's committed to "playing by the rules" (YAY!) meaning he wouldn't date Cheese because she isn't 16, and he casual dates lots of girls the right age for him (YAY!) and is very opposed to any kind of Serious/Exclusive Dating before his mission (and has repeatedly counseled Cheese's big brother the same way.) But he also seems to find a lot of excuses to be at our house. And there is a lot of texting between him and Cheese. I can't decide whether I'm being overprotective and paranoid, or whether there may be an actual problem here...

What to do?
(Name Withheld)

Dear NW

Thanks, for so many things.

One of the "most controversial" (and by that I mean that it tends to get the most responses) things I've written is my belief that "Men and Women Can't Be Close Friends" (a slightly modified quote from "When Harry Met Sally" - which I caution my readers to only see the edited for television version).

In short, the point is this: No Man (which this senior boy is) will spend large amounts of time (particularly alone) with any Woman (which he may soon see your daughter to be, if he doesn't already, which he probably does) unless he's interested in her (and by that, yes I do mean there's a sexual component, which is not to say that they are or will have sex, just that the attraction exists).

[And believe me, as the father of teen-aged boys and a coach at the local high school, I completely understand the reality that a 13 year old girl can come across as MUCH older, especially if she's tall.]

He may be a Big Brother-type now, but even so he wouldn't be doing what he's doing (including the Stand Up for Her stuff - which IS admirable) if he didn't like her. They're not THAT far apart in age . . .

So what's a parent to do?

At this point I'd say "not much more than you're already doing".

I don't advocate teen relationships, and often caution my readers to stay out of them; keep dating casual and appropriate, but do date (glad to read that this Young Man has is act together). One reality we sadly have to face as parents is that if we actively work to break a couple up, especially if we voice our dislike for an individual AFTER a relationship has started, all we succeed in is driving a wedge between us and our children.

And, let's face it, we're not talking about a BAD kid here; he sounds like a pretty good guy. Plus, ready or not, five years from now this may be the Man that takes your daughter to the Temple - and if he really is a Good Guy, that will be a Good Thing.

So if you and your husband Over React, you could find that marriage starting Too Soon (and I'm sure you know what I mean).

So my advice is to (with respect to President Hinkley) BE PRESENT. Just as you've said: no alone time. 

Ever.

No exceptions.

You should be limiting her Texting anyway, so perhaps you can find an excuse to back her minutes off (I advocate surrendering all cellphones during family time, Church time, and between 8pm and 6am, unless the child is out of pocket - but to be candid, we actually only let our boys have access to a phone if they're on an outing - or date - or coming home after 11pm from an away-game).

Be careful to not present anything you do as punishment for her crush or to focus your limits strictly on this boy, lest she get the wrong message ("well, I can't text Boy #1, so I'm going to show them by texting Boy #2").

And, if you're truly brave, give her excuses to have this boy at your home when lots of other kids are there as well - like video parties, Ice cream socials, stuff like that.

And just in case I haven't been clear: Ed (as you call him) HAS shown LOTS of inclinations that he's had romantic thoughts about your daughter.

  a) He's a guy
  b) He's alive
  c) He talks to her
  d) He's concerned for her and focuses on her
  e) He's over all the time

Ask your husband; only A & B are required for there to be an interest.

Thanks for Reading, Writing In, and Being a Parent that is involved in the life of your child. I can tell you as the writer of this column, I wish more parents were.

Best of luck!

- Bro Jo

PS - I should clarify the "jealousy" accusation - with out all of the facts - which I rarely get - I need to cover all the angles and, let's face it, what 13 year old girl isn't a little jealous that her friend is getting attention and she's not?