Do Not Procrastinate - Part 1

[Readers – once again I share with you a deeply personal letter I received about a very important subject. I think this letter writer is brave for sharing what she does, and I applaud her efforts to do the right thing. The letter is at times graphic. If at any point the Spirit directs you that this material is something you don’t need in your life at this time, close the blog and return in a two weeks when it’s no longer part of the main page.]


Dear Bro Jo,

This is a pretty heavy subject that I'll be talking about and asking questions about. You can post it on your blog if you'd like and feel free to edit things out if you deem it necessary.

Just first to let you know, I am a girl. My whole problem began when I was just thirteen years old (I am now almost twenty). I've been a member of the church my whole life. At thirteen, I was curious about my body and the changes it was going through. I was also more curious about sex. I was very naive and I was also very confused; I'd heard so many different things from my friends at school. And no way was I going to ask my parents all the questions I had. I think I was afraid that I would've gotten in trouble if I asked.

So I turned to the internet.

Yup. Worst decision of my life.

At that age I also enjoyed reading romantic fiction on the internet. One day I came across a story that contained explicit descriptions about sex. My curiosity got the better of me, and I read the whole story. However, my curiosity didn't seem to be satisfied. So I read more stories that contained similar descriptions. Everyday I would get on the internet and find more and more stories to read. I felt bad about reading it, but I wasn't sure if it was really wrong. I had heard several church leaders give talks about pornography, but never once have I heard of a woman struggling with it, nor that it could be found in other places besides images.
I don't think my parents had any idea this was going on. When they would come upstairs to the computer room, I would hear them, and quickly close down the site. They were both busy with church callings, and my dad was especially busy at work. My parents weren't internet-smart either, and didn't know about checking your internet history. When they did find out that you could check the history, I had already started deleting my history so that they couldn't find it.

From reading this stuff on the internet, I began to notice feelings I got when I read it. They were completely knew to me and kind of exciting. This lead to self-stimulation. I didn't even know that self-stimulation was wrong, because it's not something commonly addressed to young women. Especially when you are thirteen, no one thinks a little girl does things like that.

I struggled with these two problems for almost two years, well into my high school years. Eventually along the way, I came to grips with the fact that they were indeed wrong and very serious sins. I would try to commit to stop reading the pornographic material online. I would make it two or three days and then cave in again.

But one day, I don't know what it was I and I can't exactly remember, but I just told myself that I would stop.

And I did.

I haven't read another story since. It's amazing that I so easily broke from that addiction, when I know that with others it takes months and even years of counseling and whatnot. I also temporarily broke away from self-stimulation, but other things soon led back to it.

I got my first boyfriend when I was fourteen. He was sixteen, and I thought that I had struck gold by getting an older "man". We would only see each other at church dances because we were in different stakes (he also couldn't drive). Often before the dance ended, we would sneak outside the building and kiss. Which led to making out, which led to necking, and then one night he felt me up. I didn't really like that, and I think that's the only time it happened with him. But I felt so guilty and awful inside. I still refused to tell my parents, bishop, or anyone what had happened. I was so ashamed, and afraid that if I confessed, I would also confess about the pornography. Looking back, I can't help but think how stupid my parents were. I wish they had intervened more. They kind of knew that I liked a boy and he liked me back. My boyfriend called my house everyday to talk to me (I didn't get a cell phone until my senior year). But my mom never took the phone away and never limited the time that I talked to him.

After almost a year of with this guy, I broke up with him. Because I liked another guy at my school. He wasn't a member of the church, but I liked him a lot. Soon after I broke up with my first boyfriend, I got together with this other boy. We did the same stuff that I'd done with my ex, even the feeling up part; I didn't mind it with him, because I'd already done it before. My mom usually picks me up from school, and one day she saw him with his arm around me. She was furious. Especially because he wasn't a member. But, I still talked to him on the phone and saw him at school.

A couple months later, that relationship ended. I still continued the self-stimulation by recalling the memories of kissing my now ex-boyfriends and the feelings I got. I dwelled on those feelings quite often, and that's why the self-stimulation continued.

Two years later, I'm seventeen. I met another guy at a church dance, and he too is two years older than me, soon to turn 19. We hit it off, but I decided I didn't really like him and I had told myself that I would wait until I was 18 to have another boyfriend. Eventually though, we became "friends with benefits". I now could drive and I had my own car, and I would drive over to his house to "hang out". What usually happened is we'd watch a movie at his place and end up making out. I developed the habit of lying to my mom about where I was going. I knew she wouldn't approve at all, especially since this boy and I would often be alone in his house.

One night, I felt that this boy and I crossed a line. I don't know how to talk about it without being explicit. We were on the couch, alone. We had our clothes on, but while we were kissing, he moved his body on top of mine. We moved our hips together for a bit, but then we stopped. I think he asked me if I was sure if I wanted to do this. I said no. Guilt and shame overwhelmed me. I left soon after, and when I got home, I cried for hours. What had I done? How could I go to the Bishop? (The Bishop was actually my next-door neighbor and old childhood friend of my mom.)

Again, I told no one of what had happened. The next month I left for college which was out of the state. I hoped to run away from my problems.

This whole time, even from the time I was thirteen, I have gone to church and partaken of the sacrament. I continued to do so when I was at college. But I desperately wanted to change. I wanted to stop these awful cycles of sin. I then committed to this change. Every time during the sacrament, I would pray ferevently to my Heavenly Father that He would forgive me and give me the strength to change. I desired to be closer to Him and to be free of my sins. Every Sunday for months I prayed to Him during the sacrament. The second week of school, I broke off communication with the boy from back home. I also stopped the self-stimulation. I started to study the Book of Mormon. And occasionally I would say my morning and evening prayers. When I came home for Christmas break, I felt like a changed woman. I continued to pray to Heavenly Father for strength, guidance, and forgiveness.

Eventually, I did feel that the Lord forgave me. But I still worried that my repentance wasn't complete because I hadn't confessed to my Bishop. Also, when I had been asking for forgiveness from the Lord, I was only asking for forgiveness for my recent happening with the boy alone in his house.

When I came home from the summer (this past summer), I started talking to that boy again (stupid, I know). We went to a movie together. I hoped that since we were in public, nothing would happen. But then again, the movie theater was dark and not many people were in attendance. We ended up doing something new that time. He felt me up. I don't know why! I hated myself for doing so, for giving in after all the progress I had made! I also committed self-stimulation once more. Then again, I vowed to myself that I'd stop. I refused to see the boy at all. I got busy with working during the summer, and I stopped studying the scriptures, I stopped praying all together, except for maybe three or four times.

I am now back up at school. I have started studying my scriptures again and I desire to go to the temple and do baptisms for the dead. I got a limited-use temple recommend right before this school year started. When I was asked about the law of chastity, and when I was asked if there has been anything that should've been resolved with priesthood authority, I think that I have already repented and that I don't need to bring up an old sin that I repented of. So I told the member of the bishopric that I was worthy. And my dad happens to be a member of the stake presidency. He asked me the same questions, and I told him the same thing. But then again, technically I committed the sin again, even if not so serious.

Also, I have never officially repented of the reading of pornographic material, nor the self-stimulation. I just stopped both of them. They don't cross my mind when I think about if I've kept the law of chastity. I only think about the stuff I've done with boys.

This may be a stupid question, and I'm sure that anyone else who does read this will think I'm stupid for asking this, but do I need to talk to my bishop and turn in my recommend? I want to be done with wondering what I should do. I've wondered for seven years. I want to be better. I want to change.

Please help me.

--Lost in Idaho.


Dear Lost,

Yes. You need to go talk to your Bishop.

Will he ask you to turn in your recommend? I don’t know. He’s the one who has been called by the Prophet of God to be a Judge in Israel over the people in your Ward at this time.

(Did you know that ALL calls to be Bishop are approved by Salt Lake?)

I don’t think I’ll edit your letter much before publishing; I think you’re brave for writing and I think that our mature reading audience can handle what you have to say and can profit from your story.
If you go back and read what you’ve written with open eyes and an open heart, I think you’ll see what I see: that every time you’ve tried to conquer these temptations on your own, even though you do really well, you feel horribly and eventually fall back into the same pattern.

Masturbation is masturbation whether you’re a man or a woman, boy or a girl. Because the physical reaction is similar to sex the endorphins can be addictive, much like any other drug (which I think you’ve realized).
Like drug use, it’s often accompanied by pornography (which includes the books you read), but not always, and like drug use we’re compelled to give in to the short term “feel good” even though we know we’ll feel bad after.

Unlike drug use, pornography and masturbation is largely excepted (and encouraged) by our society. It’s depicted as a victimless crime or not even a crime at all. After all, it feels good, and no one is getting hurt, right?

Wrong.

People who endorse pornography and masturbation will tell you that the guilt you feel is because you’ve been raised with oppressive beliefs and that “the church” has no right to make you feel guilty for what you’ve done.
But they’re denying the Spirit. The Spirit doesn’t “make you feel guilty”, he communicates to you the will and wishes of Heavenly Father for you in your life. You “feel bad” because, deep down, you know that what you’re doing is wrong.

Why is it wrong?

Because it distorts our perceptions and expectations of sex. You’re essentially cheating on your spouse (or future spouse) with yourself and your fantasies. Those feelings, emotions, and sexual responses are best when shared with an eternal companion.

(Note: many police officers have told me that on drug raids they find piles of pornography. Isn’t that interesting? I’m sure it has something to do with making the decision that all behavior is OK and the nature of addictions.)

How you feel, your desire for sex and your enjoyment of sexual things, in and of itself, is not wrong; just your timing and your method. Find yourself an eternal companion, get married in the temple, and then entertain each other as much as the two of you can stand.

Remember that Heavenly Father wants us to be together as eternal families. I believe that things like self-stimulation and pre-marital sex can remove or lessen our drive to get married; they’re part of what’s breaking down our society.

An equally large issue that’s buried in your letter is your lack of testimony of you Bishop’s calling and ability to do his job to help you. I can understand the hesitation you feel in revealing personal issues to a man you’ve known for a long time that is suddenly now your Priesthood Leader. (Imagine what it must be like for people who need to talk to their Bishop and their Bishop is suddenly their spouse’s father or Girlfriend’s dad or their mom’s brother . . .)

We need to develop a trust in the Lord that He is the one that calls these men to this sacred position. Is every Bishop perfect? Of course not. Are there Bishops that maybe shouldn’t be Bishops? Sure; it’s a big church, and not everyone is right with the Spirit, properly repentant, or truthful n their interviews (sound familiar?).
But our job is to Trust in the Lord. People who are in positions of authority that should not be will be held accountable; we’re blessed for our efforts to repent, and that’s not tainted by the unworthiness of the authority to whom we confess.

I’ve worked with many Bishops. Everyone I’ve ever seen in action has been deeply moved by a desire to help his Ward grow closer unto Christ, remarkably able to separate the need for repentance from personal ties, stunningly confidential in their ability to guard the secrets of members.

So, “Yes”, you need to go talk to your Bishop.

Set the appointment right away (do it now!). Do not procrastinate the day of your repentance for the coming of the Lord is nigh.

Know that whatever we’ve done we’re still loved. There’s nothing we endure that Christ does not know of or understand. I care for you and pray that this burden will be lifted from you as you chose to do what you know in your heart is right.

Go back and read through this letter. Notice the things you’ve done that have helped in the past: Prayer, Scripture Study, Church Attendance. They NEVER fail!

Take that extra step, the one you know you need to take but have avoided for so long. Whatever the consequences, you’ll be comforted by the knowledge that you’re on the right path.

Remember also that the Lord tells us that He will forget the sin, not that We will forget the sin (this is, I think, a common misconception in the Church). The memories may fade, but I believe we can be blessed by always remembering those things which we’ve done wrong so that we know not to do them again.

May the Lord bless you in your efforts to become closer unto Him,

- Bro Jo