Can ex-Boyfriends Be Friends?

Dear Bro Jo,

For quick background information, I'm a girl and I'm 16 years old.

I was on Facebook when I saw your ad about Dating Help for LDS Teens, and I figured, why not. After reading a few life experiences from other people and seeing the help and advice that you gave them, I too realize I need some help and advice...

Almost a year ago, I started liking a boy who is one grade older than me. We had a couple classes together, we would always talk, have lunch together, and we would go on a few dates here and there. After about a month, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes. I wasn't always steady dating him though; I occasionally went on other dates with other guys because I knew that's what I was supposed to do. He didn't like that I did that, so after a while, I stopped dating other guys.

I invited him over to my house a lot with parents permission, my parents were always home when I invited him over, and I wanted it to be that way so nothing bad would happen. My parents liked him a lot, and his parents liked me a lot. If I could, I would always go to support him at his basketball games and anything else he was involved in, and if he could, he would always do the same for me. I was glad to be with him, we always had so much fun together, and he was one of my best friends.

About three and a half months into our relationship, I was told by my boyfriend's best friend that he had gone to a party and made out with a girl there. I was infuriated that he would do that to me, to his girlfriend. I talked to him about it and he denied it. He said that he would never do that to me. He told me that people were making up rumors so that he and I would break up. He was crying when we were talking about this... and I beloved that he didn't make out with another girl. As the week went on, people were still telling me that he made out with her, and then I'd had enough. I told him that I just needed a break, and that I was tired of everyone telling me that he cheated on me... So I broke up with him.

We were still friends after the break up, and we still acted as though we were together, but without a title. I traveled 5 and a half hours to watch him play at state basketball, and he traveled with me to watch me play at piano competitions. He asked me to prom and we still hung out a lot.

Then one day, he admitted that he did make out with that girl at the party, so then I told him off completely, I was extremely heartbroken, that not only did he cheat on me, but he lied about it too. By this time, it was summer vacation and I rarely saw him or talked to him. Then I got a job and he would visit me almost every day I worked there. I forgave him for what he did, and so we became good friends again, which was all I wanted.

I started to like him again, and he still claimed to like me. The first two weeks of school were good; we talked and hung out a couple times at the football games. Then everything happened so suddenly, it was like he just started hating me. He wouldn't talk to me, and he wouldn't let me talk to him. He wouldn't even look at me when we passed each other in the hallway... I gave him some space for a couple weeks, hoping that maybe he would just forget about it and we could still be friends, but the space didn't help.

Now he calls me bad names and he says he doesn't want anything to do with me and he doesn't care anymore. He's told other people that I'm a bad person and they all come to me and chew me out for supposedly being a "bad girlfriend" to him when he and I were together. I hate that he hates me, and I don't know what to do. All I want to be is friends with him; he says he doesn’t want to be friends at all. He says that I did something wrong, that I somehow hurt him, but he won’t tell me what I did. He says that I'm all drama, that all I do is create drama and I either need to control it or straighten out my life. He has hurt me so much, and he's pulling me down. All he does is tell me what a bad person I am and how everything is my fault and how he didn't do anything wrong. I don’t understand why he just started hating me, how we were best friends, then suddenly we're worst enemies.

What should I do?

-Battle Field


Dear BF,

Welcome to the group; I tell it like it is (or at least like I see it) and I don’t hold back, so brace yourself.   Know that while it may be harsh, it’s written with love.

What you should do is VERY clear: move on.

First of all, “Men and Women can’t be friends”. It’s a movie quote, but it’s also true. You see (and I should mention that this is one of those things I write that is the most “controversial”, particularly with my teenage girl readers) guys typically just CAN’T (not “don’t” or “won’t”) spend time with a girl unless he’s attracted to her. That’s a fact.

Now as we’ve discussed this in the column, and on the “Dear Bro Jo” Facebook Fan Page (click here for the Page – click here for the Discussion)  a more accurate statement may be “Men (which may include Young Men, but not “boys”) are never Close Friends (meaning “hangout with one-on-one, call late at night, go to dinner one-on-one”) with any Dating Range Age Woman (which includes Young Women, but not “girls”) that they’re not romantically interested in”.

Now that’s a mouth full but, again, it’s true.

And therein is the truth about your relationship with this guy. He was never your friend and he’ll never be your friend, so you can put that notion out of your head right now. He was FRIENDLY, but that’s because he wanted to date you. You broke up and he became friendly again (now read this carefully) BECAUSE HE WANTED TO DATE YOU.

(And, let’s be honest, by “date you” we may just be saying that he wanted to touch and kiss you. For all we know the “lack of touching”, or advancement of things physical, is why he’s telling people you were a “bad girlfriend” – and that’s just sad. Sisters, NEVER NEVER NEVER give in or give up or give away to “keep a boyfriend” – do that and I promise the only thing you’ll do is loose respect – from him and you – plus, and I promise this, it NEVER works.)

He’s not “your friend” anymore because the possibility of dating you whether forever or, in his mind, just for now, is gone.

My wife is my Best Friend, but I have no Close Friendships with other women, and haven’t since we’d been dating long enough for me to realize that I wanted to marry her. Look back at the definition of Close Friends, and you’ll realize why.

You will be friends with guys in the future, and I pray that one of them will be a good spouse for you. Once you find that man, all of your other Guy Friendships will, by necessity and definition, go away.

Secondly, I don’t think this guy was ever that great to begin with. Look at the story: his first move was to ask you to be his girlfriend, and then your whole relationship was about him manipulating and controlling you. He lied, to your face, more than once. Did he come clean because he wanted to clear his conscience, get back together, manipulate you further, or all of the above?

He even cried! What was that about? Was it guilt? Or was he simply manipulating you again?

Sure, he was a good guy once in a while, but it’s not like he’s the only guy your age within 500 miles now, is it?

(That’s a good thing!)

Everything you’re feeling is so much of why I tell kids your age to stay away from the Boyfriend-Girlfriend Thing; those relationships bring with them the “drama” that you just don’t need at this point in life. (For the record, I know we’re only reading this story from your perspective, but it sounds like your boy here has demonstrated a little drama of his own.)

So Cheer Up!

You’re still young, you’re a Daughter of God, and you have a lot going for you!

Go on lots of Casual Group Dates with friends who have similar standards and will follow the Dating Rules and have fun!

As far as your ex-Boyfriend is concerned: take the High Road. Don’t stoop to backbiting, be kind, but as far as dating him again, I recommend you tell him “no thanks”, at least for the next several years.

- Bro Jo