When Jerks Attack

Dear Brother Johnston,

My name is (withheld) I am 18 years old.

A few weeks ago I had an incident where I was coming home from a movie night at friend’s house and I was groped in my apartment building.

I was very upset about it and reported the guy and he got in a little bit of trouble. This is not the first time something like this has happened but it’s the first time I really told anyone and reported it (the first few times I felt to embarrassed and ashamed to tell anyone). I had two other incidents like this in high school (once while actually in class and another time on a school trip one of these boys was even LDS) and pretty much since I turned 14 I have had men and boys make inappropriate comments about my looks.

I was wondering I guess if you have any advice on how to get guys to actually show me a little respect. I am kind of shy and I have just felt so shocked when these incidents have happened that I didn't know exactly what I should do. I am kind of shy and confrontation freaks me out. Is there any way to politely tell someone to back off if they start getting out of line? Am I just too nice about it? What kind of things would make a guy think this behavior was ok?

I was not flirting with any of these guys I do get told I am kind a lot though and that I have a friendly face( I smile a lot I guess), I were modest clothing and I try and make sure that I don't go to places I feel uncomfortable at and I don't have a bad reputation so I'm not sure why this keeps happening but it makes me feel pretty crappy and I'm sick of it and I am sick of feeling a little bit scared when I am around guys. For most of high school I had no desire to date and for a while didn't even think I would get married cause I thought that pretty much every guy my age was a jerk.

I did meet an awesome guy though and we dated during my senior year he is currently on his mission now and I really do love him( I know you disagree with this but I am currently waiting for him) and if it weren't for him I am pretty sure I would still think all guys were jerks. But back to the point what should I do if or say if I think a guy is starting to be inappropriate or starts to make a comment that’s not ok?

Sincerely,

Annoyed and a Little Scared

P.S. Also just so you know I don't tell my boyfriend about any of this stuff in my letters I really try to be positive and encouraging I know he doesn't need to stress about stuff like this while he is gone.



Dear Scared,

I understand that you've felt embarrassed, but you shouldn't be. Unwelcome groping is a physical assault, and should be dealt with appropriately. In general I advocate punching, slapping and yelling. Unless you're married and the action is welcome, no woman (or girl) should be groped.

The fact that this has happened to you often raises some questions. Who are these guys? Strangers? Dates? And what is the situation that is making them feel its okay to grab you?

You said this last one was in your apartment; what is a guy doing alone with you in your apartment? Was he some random stranger walking by?

And, if you please, when you say "groped", what do you mean? What exactly is going on?

- Bro Jo


Dear Bro Jo,

The first time it happened I was 15 and in a science class.

I had recently moved to the town and the teacher had me sit in front of this one guy. Everyday him and his friends made comments about my chest. I tried to ignore it and I would were baggy sweaters for the whole class period a lot of times so that hopefully they wouldn't say those things to me.

One day the guy had said something and I just ignored him and he reached and touched my chest I turned around and told him off and him and his friends just laughed the trimester ended a week later though so than I didn't have to deal with him. The second time I was just barely 16 and I went out of town for an FFA competition with the school the first night we spent at log cabins.

We had a movie night with about half the kids in one of the cabins. I was talking to my cousin who was also on the trip and so I got there later than everyone else so all the couches were completely taken up and behind the couches there were two beds but each one already had a boy on it so I just stood up behind a couch.

A few minutes into the movie one of the boys told me to come sit down and pulled me over. I sat and it wasn't too weird at first and then he started to give me a back massage which I thought was a little strange since I hadn't really talked to this guy much. He stopped after about five minutes though and we just watched the movie and then at one point one of the characters said something about "Bro's before hoes" to his friend and the guy on the bed says I would have picked the girl and pulled me down onto the bed so that he was to the side of me and he put his arm around me. It went from feeling a little awkward while watching this movie to me being completely uncomfortable.

I tried to push away but he would just hold me down tighter and tighter I tried to tell him I couldn't see the movie so he should let me go and he just said " Well you will have to come watch it at my place than". Nobody knew what was going on cause they were in front of us though. Also I am really tiny I'm only 5' and weighed about 110 lbs this guy was about 6' and weighed a lot more than me. The guy started to move one of his hands up and down my thigh I tried to push away a few times more but he would just hold tighter I stopped pushing and just put both of my hands around my chest so he couldn't touch me there at least, one of the girls in front got up and got a drink of water and then glanced over she went and sat down and didn't say anything than though. He let go of me a few minutes before the movie ended and I left back to my own cabin.

The next day at breakfast he wolf whistled when I walked in and said something to the guys at his table that I couldn't hear and they all laughed. We got on the bus soon after and he told me I should come sit with him I told him I was going to take up front.

The girl who had gotten up to get some water the night before came up and started to talk to me she started to ask me if me and this guy were going out I told her no and I didn't why he had done that. She told me she would look out for me too. The rest of the trip was not fun at all every time we would go out somewhere he would try touching me somehow.

There was a group of girls around me at all times though from that point so he didn't try much besides trying to give me back massages and try to get me to go on walks with him. This guy was a complete creep he even somehow tracked down my number and called and asked me on a date. I said no and to this day I still have no idea how he got my number.

The third guy was with his friend in the lobby of the apartment building I got there pretty late around 11 and those guys had obviously been drinking (I live in college housing in Oregon) I walked in and one of the guys came up and tried to talk to me.

I got my mail and said "ok, goodnight" and the guy said he wanted to talk to me more and followed me as I walked up the stairs I got to my floor and again said k goodnight. The guy asked me if he could come in with me and I told him no and that I have a boyfriend he said please and I said no. He then tried to kiss me and I backed away. And he said fine than and tried to give me a hug and as I backed up he grabbed my chest I told him that wasn't ok and he just laughed and said sorry.

I went into my apartment and set my stuff down and told my roommate what had happened. And then I went back downstairs and told this guy off in front of his friends who were kind of just laughing at him until I told them I would be reporting them all. I did report them and they got a warning and he apologized to me in front of the office people. This was the only situation I ever told my parents about either they still don't know about the others. This guy was a stranger and by groped I mean grabbed my chest.

Thanks for taking the time to read all of this and answering back by the way.

- Scared



Dear Scared,

Like I said, no woman should be groped, but you've got to stop being a victim.

Seriously. Take a self defense class, or better yet, coordinate a class for all of the sisters in your ward or women in your building.

What these guys all did was wrong, but your reactions have all been way understated. You need to learn how to slap a guy, carry a rape whistle, and figure out how to notify authorities.

The instant boys tease a little girl about her figure she needs to stand up for herself, telling them to stop. If they don't she needs to go to a teacher, principal, parent or Bishop.

A girl should never sit on a bed with a guy that isn't her husband, especially in the dark. Whether on a date or at a party, if a guy touches her in an inappropriate way she needs to tell him clearly, forcefully, and in no uncertain terms to knock it off. If he doesn't she needs to get out of there and get somewhere safe (I'm an advocate of what we football coaches call "using violent hands" in these situations - that means slap, punch, scratch, whatever is needed to reinforce your point if needed).

Before a strange drunk guy gets close enough to cop a feel, put your keys between your fingers, poking out like claws, and turn and face him. Tell the piece of human toilet paper that if he doesn't go away you’re going to scream for help and you're prepared to permanently scar him if he comes any closer. If he takes one step closer, start screaming for help, drop anything you're carrying, and brandish those keys like this won't be the first eye you've removed.

No joke.

Unless you stop giving off the aura of a victim, you're going to continue to be attacked.

Stand up for yourself!

Now, I want you to understand that I'm not blaming you for these incidents. What these jerks did is not your fault; I just want you to be ready to take care of yourself in the future. The person attacked never deserves to be assaulted.

Be Strong.

I'm praying for your safety.

- Bro Jo