The Fiancé, Pornography and a Mission - Part 2

Thank you Brother Jo,

We had talked again last night and it was really amazing. I haven't been the closest with the Lord recently, but I really could feel Him looking out for me last night. I had asked my, well, friend now why he wanted to go on a mission and was describing all these wonderful spiritual feelings (and really intense, too), something I honestly didn't want to hear.

Just when I felt myself "losing" him and all hope I felt the Spirit strongly say that what he was saying is true, that he needs to serve this mission and that I'll be okay. With the help of the Lord I was able to let go, right then during the conversation. We're no longer engaged, in fact we're "just friends". I told him I'm still going to be supportive of him, but that's all. The Lord has a reason for me not getting married to him right now and I need to use my own time now (not just "the time he's on his mission") to find out what my "mission" is and work towards fulfilling it.

During the conversation last night I found out something else he hadn't been straightforward with me about: Not too long ago he slipped up and looked at pornography again. It... hurt a lot to find out that he felt too embarrassed to tell me until now, especially when I've been so understanding and supportive of him. The only reason he said anything was because we were talking about when he'd be ready to leave and I had been under the impression that he'd be sending in his papers soon.

I had to read your letter twice, and my friends have been telling me similar things, but you're right.

He said he'd already talked with his bishop again about it, but I had the right to know that kind of thing (because we were engaged; I don't have that right anymore) and he hid it from me. Though I haven't wanted to admit it, there were several other really important things he never told me about until he absolutely had to, even to the point of putting my health at risk.

(Most personal note yet: After a long period of pressure from him I convinced myself that sex was okay with him because we were getting married. I knew he'd had sex with his last girlfriend, but he hadn't told me that he'd never gotten himself tested for any std's or sti's. I'd been shattered then, but I told myself he loved me and it was something that had just slipped his mind, a defense he told me that I accepted.) (After note: I'm commenting more on this topic later...)

And he is supposed to serve a mission.

One of the thoughts I'd been struggling with was "What if he decides to stay now? Why would he even do that?" and the thought of obligation had come.

I've had a transformation within myself. The pride has melted away, even the pride that was keeping me from including in my original letter to you another part of my relationship with his guy that was rather important. I haven't talked with my bishop about it, but I'm already moving forward with the full process of repentance.

I was scared and I still am, but now I know that the Lord doesn't hate me because of that mistake. In all honesty a letter on your blog just a bit earlier also scared me because I was afraid no one would ever want to marry me anymore. I can understand now, though, that there is someone out there, multiple someones because there isn't just one man for each person, even me, that will forgive me just as the Lord has and will allow my slate to be wiped clean.

(I understand consequences and I will deal with them, but I'm learning that part of the consequences is not that I'll never be married to a wonderful man a temple of the Lord.)

Last night I'd gotten caught up in everything and was going to still wear the engagement ring, but as a necklace, but I can't do that anymore, either. He keeps saying how he couldn't take the ring back from me, but it's not right to burden me with keeping it, either. That is something I'm truly going to make him take responsibility for, something I haven't always been the best at.

It still seems, at least to me, that I'm still a bit all over the place in my writing, but my thoughts are a lot more focused now. The Lord has a plan for me and now that I've accepted that I need to keep living my life because its value was not contingent on my ex-fiancé.

Thank you for helping me move on more quickly and more fully. I knew you would be straight with me and that I wouldn't have a chance to argue. That's what I needed and it has helped so much. Thank you, Brother Johnston.

Love,

Certain and Slowly Moving Forward


Dear Moving Forward,

Life is not a sprint, it's a marathon. Hang in there, and always trust in the Lord.

Oh, and tell him that if he doesn’t want the ring back, that’s fine (it IS your property since it was a gift and he’s the one that withdrew the proposal), but I think you should put it away with the idea that you’ll sell it when you get engaged to someone else or enough time has passed.

- Bro Jo